Old Fashioned Page #2

Within reason.

What does that mean?

Well, out in the open,

in public, that's okay.

Anyway, it's just

a small part of my theory.

Which is?

I don't believe

that dating trains us

to be good husbands and wives.

You know, life partners.

It just trains us to be

good dates, that's it.

It trains us to be

skilled in the superficial.

Who talks like that?

I do.

Dating is fun.

Seeing the smile

you bring to another's face,

holding hands for the first

time, learning new things.

Yeah, but what do we learn?

We learn to be witty,

charming, romantic.

Yes, yes, yes.

Right, but it's all icing,

no cake.

It's not enough.

Nothing magical happens

when you walk down the aisle.

I mean, like it or not, what

we do when we're single is...

it's what we'll do

when we're married.

What about sex?

What about it?

That takes practice too.

No comment.

Not having sex does not

make you a good husband.

No, but learning

to control myself might.

I mean, I don't know

if you know this,

but half of all marriages

experience infidelity.

I never want to be divorced.

Love should come first,

not the other way around.

So do you mean sex-sex only,

or any other stuff?

Eh, I'm an all or nothing

guy, you know.

Your body's a temple.

You noticed.

Not even a little kissy kissy?

Just right there,

'til the wedding bells.

How long have

you had this theory?

Nine years.

Yikes.

That's not normal.

No.

No, it's not normal.

You don't believe that

there's a right person

out there for each of us?

A soul mate?

I don't believe

our job is the looking.

It's the becoming.

Once you are the right person,

when you're ready, you know?

And hopefully, God willing.

But if you don't date,

how will you ever know?

Hey, I make fire.

Ah, my hero.

Bless you.

Bless you.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Anyway, that's my theory.

You asked for it.

Thanks for the enlightenment.

Hey, I know how weird it sounds.

I know making you

wait out in the cold,

wrapped in a blanket

seems ridiculous.

But a lot of the boundaries

that used to be common,

that we've thrown away,

are there to protect us.

We don't have to go around using

each other, hurting each other.

It doesn't have to be that way.

That's all.

Good night.

Good night.

Hello?

I'm here to pick up

that little rocking chair.

Oh, there she is.

Everything okay?

I do okay?

Excellent job, young man.

You fixed it.

Good as new.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

You have no idea.

There was a fire

before I was born.

Mom was pregnant

with me, you know?

You don't want

to hear that old story.

No, I do.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Yes, sir.

All right, then.

This is the day

the Lord has made.

I'll rejoice and be glad in it.

Thank you, Aunt Zella.

You've done this before?

Once or twice.

Uh-huh.

Inspiration, after

the Greek goddess.

A message is waiting.

You're hired.

Awesome.

Tonight we party then, yes?

So, tell me all about it.

Why don't you

tell me all about it?

Did you bring us any

of our canned tomatoes?

He forgot, Lloyd, again.

It creeps me out

when you do that.

Then don't listen.

Well, I rented the upstairs,

the walk-up.

No, Lloyd wants

to chat about tomatoes.

To a girl.

Oh.

Oh!

Finally, I thought the old bag

would never kick off.

I wonder where she

keeps her valuables?

It's a miracle.

It's a miracle!

Is she a pretty girl?

Nah, let's talk about tomatoes.

How are they?

Here.

Give me your hands.

Who's first?

Everybody signs.

Love, Trish.

Carol?

No, I don't sign anything.

I'll sign.

I'll sign anything you got.

Hey, back off, Tarzan.

Clay Walsh?

Yeah.

Old Fashioned Clay Walsh?

That Clay Walsh?

I just rented

the apartment upstairs.

What?

Has he tried to dazzle you

with any of his theories yet?

Do you know him?

No.

I only met him once.

He is a real trip.

Used to be quite

the player, though.

Player?

Well, some of the girls

that used to work for me

used to date him in college.

They had quite a few stories.

Lewd stories.

But never like

those DVDs that...

They might just matter most.

Pucker up

and get your lips ready.

The kissing contest is next.

You better be good at it,

or I'm walking.

Oh, I've got game, believe me.

I mean, there's a lot of

things that the other girls

have competition on me,

but I mean, they better be

worried about this one 'cause...

Hey there, stress boy.

Hey there, pretty girl.

Did you just flirt with me?

No.

You did.

No.

Look at that,

three for a dollar.

Oh, are those coupons?

Yes.

Excuse me.

Do you mind?

Shoot the ball.

Fact.

Most people know more about

someone after a job interview

for delivering pizzas than

they do after most dates, so...

Where do you

get this stuff from?

Please, by all means,

shoot the ball.

Goodness.

You see what happens

when you hurry things?

Hurry things?

You're the last person to be

worrying about hurrying things.

Hurry things, you?

Our first date.

This is not a date.

You, you are so romantic.

However did you find this place?

How do you know

if I'm romantic or not?

Trust me, you're not.

I like cinnamon.

Is sugarless cinnamon gum

romantic?

Oh, it can be.

- What you got?

- H-O-R.

Goodness. Hurry things.

Yeah, yeah.

And mama called it

paralysis by analysis.

Thank you.

A little louder, please.

They didn't hear

you over on Hummel.

Wagon wheel pasta.

No.

Candlelight, jazz, sand

between your toes, all romantic.

Wagon wheel pasta?

Not romantic.

Not everyone needs

to have someone just to be...

People are different.

Some people don't need to...

Yeah, of course, sure.

I do okay on my own.

What?

I do.

- Who told you that?

- Shut up, man.

Clay, you don't look

happy to see me.

Who's your new friend?

- I'm Amber.

- Lisa. - David.

I... We just ran into

each other here, that's it.

Besides, man, what

do I know about her?

I just want to be smart.

What do you know...?

Dude, you're so smart,

you're an idiot.

Pickup on aisle 4.

Amber, Lisa and I are

having a huge shindig.

Check this out.

Two birthdays, one party.

Our birthdays

are on the same day.

Me and my honey.

In fact, Clay is

gonna be there, too.

Aren't you, Clay?

Tonight?

Dude, how many times are we

gonna have this conversation?

Okay, all right, all right.

Listen, listen.

Stop looking for a formula.

She's not what I expected.

Okay, that's great.

So you think I should...

Oh, no, I'm through.

I'm done with this.

Ah! Look at that. Huh?

See, I knew you were

rubbing off on me.

There you go, son.

Ah! I saw that.

Yeah, don't deny it.

The whole aloof,

glance-across-the-room

thing there.

Very nice, very nice.

Subtle, mm-hmm.

Don't you need to take

Cosie to driver's ed

or space camp or something?

Good ideas.

Honey?

Yes, dear.

I'm on it. No problem.

Thank you.

Might wanna make a move, man.

Seems as if the real estate's

moving pretty fast.

Who are you, my agent?

That's not a bad idea.

Hey! Everybody.

May I have your

attention, please?

Welcome again to

our humble abode.

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