Old Fashioned Page #3

This celebration,

Lisa and I, 8 long years.

Still going strong.

Getting older, as you can see.

Still living in sin.

It means so much to have you

all here to share it with us.

We really appreciate it.

Hey, has everyone met Amber?

Yes, Amber, raise your hand.

Mm-hmm.

Yes, yes, yes.

Amber's new here.

Uh-huh.

And dig this,

Clay really likes her.

I mean, a lot.

Aww, a little baby dump truck.

Aww!

Oh, man.

Look at that.

Well done, Clay.

Classic, man.

Thank you, sir.

I like his hat.

Only two left.

One from me to you,

and one from you to me.

No, no.

You first.

Taking orders.

That's right, mister.

I saw him in a restaurant

last time I was in Chicago,

but I was too nervous to ask

for his autograph in person,

so I sat and waited 3 hours

for him to finish eating.

Then I had to beat

the busboy to the table.

Not easy.

You stole a half-smoked cigar

and a credit card receipt?

Oh, baby, if that's not love,

I don't know what is.

It's perfect.

All right, and you, my dear.

This better be good.

What's this?

That would be

an engagement ring.

You want to get married?

I figure I'll make

an honest woman out of you.

I am an honest woman.

- It's just an expression.

- I don't like it.

So, was that a yes?

I thought we didn't

need a piece of paper

to prove anything.

Well, we don't.

Listen, listen, listen.

Look, we're not kids, okay?

And some things have

started to matter more to me

now than they used to.

It's not about proof, baby.

I know you love me.

I do.

Unfortunately.

And I love you.

And I'm not going

anywhere, okay?

Paper or no paper.

I'd just love the chance

to see my baby

in a wedding dress.

Now that is sexy.

It's what he

gives me every year.

Show off!

Hey, are we

gonna have a honeymoon?

Honeymoon?

If we must.

Any thoughts, recommendations?

The ideal honeymoon?

Clay!

David.

Yes, yes, the ideal honeymoon.

What you got in mind?

You really want me to do this?

No doubt about it.

The ideal honeymoon.

Cabin in the woods,

a case of bottled water,

and not a single distraction

from building

a foundation of intimacy

with my lifelong bride.

You know, I don't know

if you know this, but...

That's enough.

- The percentage...

- No, no, no.

The percentage of...

- Would you just...

- Not a word!

That's what I'm talking about.

Live from the City of Angels

in the heart of Hollywood

and syndicated nationwide,

you want him, you got him,

Lucky Chucky!

You can't save someone

who doesn't want to be saved.

How true it is.

A friend of mine,

we'll call him Moron,

has lived with

this broad for years.

Strike one.

Oh, oh yeah.

Strike two, he knocked her up.

No longer content with

only partial self-destruction,

strike three, bingo,

you guessed it,

they're getting married.

What is the point

in all this pain?

I am awash in ruin.

He was a friend of mine,

a good friend of mine.

We were in the same

fraternity in college.

I bet you didn't see

that one coming.

I used to be a frat boy.

You listen to this?

Sometimes.

He's hilarious.

He says women are stupid.

When there's a wedding,

there's a bachelor party.

Okay, let's turn that crap off.

Sorry, Carol,

didn't know you were here.

So, how was the weekend, girls?

I had me one big date.

So did Amber,

with Mr. Old Fashioned.

You did?

Details?

It was a birthday party.

Lots of people were invited.

He didn't even

invite me himself.

My theory is he's gay.

He owns an antique shop.

Hello?

I don't think so.

Then he's got a disease,

or some other... tiny problem.

Oh, sheesh.

You like the freak show?

For now.

Light load this week.

Love seat's solid.

Vintage.

Yeah, it needs

some work, though.

Hey.

Look at that.

Got it dirt cheap.

Auction down in Eustace.

Nice, right?

Was that a car?

Is.

Is a car.

It's my new hobby.

Oh, when I get done with it,

you look out.

Hey, George?

Yeah?

How long you been married?

Ooh, 36 years.

How did you... know?

Know what?

Come on, man, know.

Know.

Ah, good question.

Have a seat.

- Here we go.

- Yes, we are. - Buckle up.

We grew up together.

We went to the same

grammar school,

junior high, high school.

Sophomore year, she asked me

to a Sadie Hawkins Day dance.

I don't wanna go, but I don't

wanna hurt her feelings either,

so I said yes.

It's only one night.

Well, after the dance,

she decides to kiss me.

So I kiss her back.

Oh, not so good.

You know, she still

can't do it right.

Point is, now I gotta date her

for almost a month

because I felt guilty

about kissing her.

And I didn't want to make

her feel cheap either, so.

So, about a month passes,

and just when I am

getting ready to dump her,

her mom gets diagnosed

with tuberculosis.

I mean, she starts

freaking out, man,

I mean, crying all the time,

calling me.

Just didn't seem fair

to break up with her then.

I mean, my people

knew her people.

Then there's her birthday.

Then Valentine's.

Then senior prom.

Graduation.

Then I'm 19.

I'm getting inducted

into the army.

You want the love seat?

People like the governor

and that fellow there

can stop worrying.

I'm not gonna talk about them.

I'm gonna talk about us,

the average guys,

the John Does.

If anybody should ask you what

the average John Doe is like,

you couldn't tell him because

he's a million and one things.

He's Mr. Big and Mr. Small.

He's simple and he's wise.

He's inherently honest.

He's the man

the ads are written for.

He's the feller

everybody sells things to.

He's Joe Doakes,

the world's greatest stooge

and the world's

greatest strength.

Yes, sir, we're a great

family, the John Does.

We are the meek

who are supposed to...

Do you care

if I sit down out here?

No.

You know, I had

a crazy dream last night.

It was about you.

About me?

Yeah, sure was crazy.

So, well, I got up out of bed

and I walked right through

the wall here,

right straight into your room.

You know how dreams are.

Why antiques?

My great aunt, Zella,

her mother's mother's sister,

she used to own this place.

I worked for her part-time

when I went to college.

I drove by the front

of some university

when I first got to town.

Mm-hmm, Bolivar.

That's where David teaches.

Zella, too, before she retired.

So you and David

both went there?

Yeah, we did.

We had the same major

for a while.

We were in the same fraternity.

You were in a frat?

I was.

I never finished college.

Seven years on and off.

I could just never

seem to focus.

Everything except

my language requirement.

I'm only three credits

in Spanish away from a B.A.

in, like, six degrees.

So, you bought this place

from your great aunt

when she retired?

She gave it to me.

For graduation.

That's some present.

Yeah, it is.

You could say I owe her.

She still alive?

Is that why you keep it?

She is, but I keep it for me.

Senior year, everything changed.

My goals,

what I want out of life.

What do you want out of life?

To be decent.

That's it.

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