On the Beach Page #2

if he's better off without her or not?

You've never even met her!

I'm just tryin' to help the guy

through the dark times.

It's not a problem.

You see, Zeph?

It's not a problem.

Change the f***in' subject.

All right. Let's talk about

how you spend an hour

in front of the mirror every day.

Oh, that's nice.

You know this guy?

He likes to wipe his ass

with tree leaves.

He thinks he's some sort

of jungle commando.

- i swear to God.

- whatever.

Damn.

I presume you know the story

of the Kentucky-fried mouse.

Yeah.

A woman bites into a chicken leg,

and it turns out to be a...

a mouse...

right?

- Right.

- A mouse.

It's an urban myth.

Exactly. It always happened

to a friend of a friend

of someone else.

So?

So, I guess there's this urban myth

goin' around here at the moment.

It's about a beach.

Yeah?

Uh-huh.

Huh.

And this beach is perfect, man.

It's on an island, right?

Hidden from the sea.

Now, imagine, you got...

pure white sand...

crystal-clear water...

palm trees.

Yeah. With coconuts and sh*t.

Yo, tell him the best part, dawg.

Plus...

enough dope, Richard,

to smoke all day every day

for the rest of your goddamn life!

Yeah! Mad weed!

There's only a few people

who know exactly where it is,

and they keep it absolutely secret.

Of course, no one's actually

ever met any of these people,

only met somebody who has.

You know what I mean?

Exactly. It's a Kentucky-fried mouse.

Although, I must say,

if l had a key

to a place like that,

I'd keep it to myself,

'cause you don't want

every f***ing a**hole

in Thailand turnin' up.

Yeah, yeah.

So what do you think

about that story, Richard?

It's good.

It's a good story.

- Hey, you!

- Jesus.

I got your key!

Now, I know it wasn't

a part of the plan,

but I made a decision

to leave a copy of the map.

I'm not gonna say it was

the best decision I ever made.

I told myself that spreading news

was a part of a traveler's nature,

but if l was being

completely honest,

I was just like everybody else...

sh*t-scared of the great unknown...

desperate to take

a little piece of home with me.

Richard!

Are you ready?

Yeah, yeah. I'm comin'.

Let's go.

Francoise?

Etienne will be angry

if l wake him.

He thinks I waste time

taking photographs of the sky.

Oh, God.

I think so, too.

Yeah?

Have a look.

One night, I will get

the perfect photograph.

Hi.

You realize that...

in the eternity of space...

there's probably a planet

out there, right...

just like this one...

where another you

is photographing

back down towards us.

I mean, essentially,

you are photographing yourself

in a parallel universe.

Incredible.

Yeah.

I mean, there are

infinite worlds out there,

you know?

Where anything you want to happen...

does happen.

Richard, you know something?

This is just the kind

of pretentious bullshit

that Americans always

say to French girls

so they can sleep with them.

Oh, God...

sorry.

I thought I was doin' pretty good.

It's just the sky, Richard.

Let's try.

Yeah.

Idiot.

Un, deux, trois...

quatre.

When you develop

an infatuation for someone,

you always find a reason to believe

that this is exactly the person for you.

It doesn't need to be a good reason.

Taking photographs of

the night sky, for example.

Now, in the long run,

that's just the kind

of dumb, irritating habit

that would cause you to split up.

But in the haze of infatuation,

it's just what you've been

searching for all these years.

Richard?

I don't know. I'm American.

So?

I think in miles, not kilometers.

Okay, so how many miles

do you think it is?

I don't know, but it

looks like a long way away.

If it's too far, we're gonna drown.

But if we don't try, then

we'll never know, right?

Right.

So let's go.

You guys all right?

Yeah. We're okay.

Yeah.

I think we're about halfway.

Oh, f***!

Richard!

F***!

What?

I saw a fin.

What? Are you joking?

No, no, no!

A fin.

Okay, a shark fin?

I don't know. Just a fin

over there, about 100 meters.

Well, was it big?

Yes.

Well, what the f***

do you expect me

to do about it?

Nothing. I just thought

you should know!

Well, to be honest, Etienne,

I'd rather you hadn't told me!

Okay, I'm sorry.

It's a bit f***ing late now, isn't it?

Francoise!

Francoise!

She's gone!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Okay, what happened?

I don't know.

She just went underwater!

She was pulled under!

Francoise!

Where did you go?

Francoise!

I don't see her!

Oh, f***! It's her bag!

Okay, was there a shark?

Did you see a shark, Etienne?

I don't know!

I don't know!

Oh, f***.

Oh, f***, man.

Oh, f*** you! Oh!

Oh ho-ho, yeah!

Oh, you Europeans

are so funny, huh?

You have such

a playful sense of humor.

No wonder your comedies

conquered the world.

Ha ha! What about Molire?

Who?

Oh, f*** off!.

Come on.

Wow.

Oh. Now, this is what

I call a lot of dope.

Huh.

Hey.

Okay. Okay.

We're gonna go this way.

Okay? Shut up. Shut up.

Come on.

Ay.

Sure, we should've turned back,

but I wasn't going to,

not now.

I just kept telling them

we'd get there.

Trust me.

It's paradise.

If we take this down,

it should lead us all the way.

Come on.

F***.

Oh, God.

Merde.

Etienne:
Well?

Well, what?

How do we get down?

How do we get down?

How am I supposed to know?

Do I have to decide everything now?

We'll jump.

F***. You wanted to be

in command, Richard.

I only took command

because you lost

your nerve, French boy!

Yeah, and look where

you've taken us!

We'll jump.

If you're not happy

with the way things are going,

you can just take over.

All right, sir?

All right. I will.

There. We'll

climb down there.

We can jump.

Francoise, look.

We're not gonna jump,

all right?

So just can it.

And as for climbing down there,

that is just an a**hole suggestion!

You calling me an a**hole?

Yeah, and that's

just the start of it.

All right, f***-face, let's do it.

All right, motherf***er.

Francoise!

Sh*t.

Francoise!

Come on, guys. It's okay.

It's not dangerous.

Come on.

Drop the bags down. Come on!

All right. So we'll jump.

Oh, f***.

Oh, f***!

Did you see that sh*t?

Oh, my God!

Congratulations!

Took me the best part of an hour

to work up the balls to do that.

Mind you, I was on me own.

So you have to make allowances.

You know what I mean?

I think maybe you

better meet up with Sal.

Jesus Christ!

We're f***ing here!

do you realize that?

Don't you go anywhere!

All right. Doing well.

Ciao, Sonja.

Hi.

Noisy kitchen.

How you doing?

What's for dinner?

One guess. Fish.

I don't know what we expected,

people living in a cave?

Maybe even a few guys in tents...

Gregorio.

but nothing like this.

How are you, Keaty?

Roll 'em. Don't smoke 'em.

It was like we arrived

into a lost world,

a full-scale community

of travelers,

not just passing through,

but actually living here.

I suddenly became aware

that we weren't even invited.

The guy who drew it--

Daffy.

Yeah. Yeah. He's dead.

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