On the Beach Page #4

and the bad light,

it's very difficult to catch them.

It could last for days.

Sometimes...

we get really hungry.

Give me that.

Richard!

Richard! Richard!

Richard!

I can't hear you!

You can't hear me.

- Shark!

- Shark!

Shark!

- Shark!

- Shark!

Nnhh!

All right. All right.

All right.

All right, all right,

all right, all right.

Now, before I start, there's--

there's just a couple of things

you have to remember.

Number one,

you have to remain calm.

Right?

And number 2,

you have to show no fear.

Teach it. Teach it.

Because the sharks--

you see, the sharks,

they can sense that fear...

just as easily as they

can sense blood.

And so it went for me...

just as I knew it would,

just as nature had ordained.

Its...jaw... wide open.

Row upon row

of these razor-sharp teeth,

glinting underwater

like jagged diamonds.

Its tail fin sweeping

back and forth as it

surged in for the kill.

I swear to God...

my whole life

flashed before my eyes.

Really. I had nothing left to offer

except for pure reflex,

pure reflex and mankind's

basic drive for survival

that somehow shouts, " No!

I will not die today!"

And at that instant, man,

I knew it was

either the shark or me.

The shark knew it.

I knew it.

But, jeez, God...

it--it's nothing personal, right?

You know, it's just

the way the world works.

Right? It's nature.

But if l remember correctly...

in that last glimmer of its eyes,

there was a moment between us...

where he said,

" Hey, Richard, man..."

"enjoy your dinner."

Strange thing, killing a shark.

Isn't it, Richard?

Just a big fish, Bugs.

Just a big fish?

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe when it's just a baby

and it hasn't really learned

to kill yet,

then maybe it's just a big fish.

But when it's a

great white angry mother

with a taste of human blood

on its tongue,

now, that's a different story.

Oh, God, jeez...

I'm--I'm sorry, bugs.

Is it just me,

or does this wet weather

make everyone so damn tired?

Jeez, maybe we can hear

your very different,

and I'm sure very interesting,

story some other time, huh?

Very interesting. Keaty.

Vero interessanto.

Tim.

Hygie.

Molto interessante.

Good night, young lovers.

Shut up.

Good night.

For a while,

we were untouchable

in our happiness.

All right, everybody.

Quiet.

We have a situation.

It's not a disaster,

but as some of you

may have heard,

a couple of sacks

of rice have become

contaminated by a fungus.

That's 'cause we

keep it in that shack.

How many more times does

this have to happen?

Rice run.

Which means that someone

will have to come

to Koh Pha Ngan with me

to buy some more rice.

So don't all volunteer at once.

Richard?

Yeah?

Are you gonna come

to Koh Pha Ngan with me?

I don't know. I mean--

I'll go with you.

Don't worry, Bugs.

Richard's gonna come,

aren't you?

Am I?

Who thinks Richard should come?

All right. Then I'll go to

Koh Pha Ngan with you.

Good.

I want a toothpaste and--

and a toothbrush, yeah?

All right.

Ahem. A new pair of swim trunks

and a new hat.

Richard...

and 4 double-a batteries

and 20 condoms.

Make it 40 condoms.

And a bottle of vodka.

Oh, f*** this.

Smell it. It's a part of me.

I am becoming a fish, Richard.

Ordinary soap for ordinary

people is a waste of time.

I need something toxic,

something industrial. okay?

Okay.

A tin of beef curry. Yummy.

Yummy.

As many triple-a batteries

as you can find, right?

And a copy of...

the Daily Telegraph.

Just for the cricket, you know?

Oh.

Please fill this bag with a soft bog roll.

Soft bog roll?

Jasmine tea, tiger balm,

lip balm, tea tree oil...

a big box of bleach.

Hair conditioner, skin conditioner...

anything based on sugar.

cumin, saffron, cinnamon...

antiperspirant, and makeup remover.

Ahem.

What do you want?

Okay.

When you get to Koh Pha Ngan,

keep your hands to yourself

and your dick in your pants.

Ohh...sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

I'd really been looking forward

to air conditioning

and some cold beer,

but when we got to Koh Pha Ngan...

I just wanted to leave again.

And in one moment, I understood

more clearly than ever

why we were so special...

why we kept our secret...

because if we didn't,

sooner or later,

they'd turn it into this.

Cancers...

parasites...

eating up the whole f***ing world.

A couple months.

Maybe--Maybe a year, even.

Yeah, really.

Ri--

No. I like it out here, you know?

Things are different.

I said things are different!

Yeah.

No. I'll call again.

I'll call again.

I promise.

Okay.

All right, I miss you, too.

All right.

Okay.

All right, bye.

Bye.

So, how does it feel to be

back in the real world?

It's not

like I remembered it.

It gets worse every time.

It is Richard! Damn!

God! How ya doing, man?

Good to see ya.

Oh, Sammy, come on over, man!

Yo, Ricardo. What's up, bro?

Girls, I want you to meet the man!

He's the man.

Hil und Eva, deisem is Richard.

The man with the map.

Dermensch mit den wanderkarte?

Yo, yo, rich.

They're gonna come with us, bro.

They're coming with us.

Sorry it's been so long,

but, you know,

we're just chillin' out.

You know how it is, right?

Listen, guys.

I--I made a mistake.

Mistake?

What mistake?

What are you

talking about?

No. Listen to me.

There is no beach.

I can't believe to see you, dude.

There's no beach?

Yeah. No. Seriously, the map thing?

It was--It was fake.

It was just like

you said, dude.

- It was a story.

- Right.

No! It's--It's a myth.

Really.

I-it doesn't exist.

- Come on.

- The map,

- It was a fake.

- Yeah, yeah.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

You wouldn't be holding out on us,

would ya? Let me guess.

It's a f***ing

paradise!

It doesn't exist.

Oh, man...

what are you taking about?

I think, you know, Zeph,

he's just tryin' to f*** with--

I'm trying to tell you to forget it!

All right, a**hole!

Well, that's the last time

I buy you a f***in' beer.

So you told them

where you were going?

Yeah.

And they saw the map?

Do they have a copy?

No.

Okay.

Well, we can relax for a bit.

I doubt they have it in them

to get there, anyway.

But, Richard, I don't think we

should tell anybody about this.

Okay?

I think we should keep it

between you and me.

Thanks.

Don't mention it.

Whew.

Well, I'm going to go and play

a couple of games of pool

with Sumet.

Sumet? Snook?

So, why don't you go

and warm the bed?

Come on.

Sal?

Sal?

I just have a question.

It was very nice.

No. That's not it.

It's about Bugs.

Okay.

It's like this.

Bugs is my boyfriend...

my partner.

Okay?

And you are someone

I just had sex with.

All right?

Oh, th-that's fine.

That's absolutely fine.

Good.

Now get some sleep.

I may wish to have sex again

before we eat breakfast.

It was a deal.

She wouldn't tell anyone

about the map.

I had paid for her silence

and bought my ticket back.

But I didn't even want to

think about the real price.

All right, Rich,

we're ready to heave!

Okay!

Got it, Keaty?

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