On the Beat Page #2

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l wanted it for lunch.

Erm... lt wouldn't half

give you indigestion, sir!

Try turning on the water.

Oh... Cor...

No, no, no! Come back.

Turn it on at the nozzle.

Now, don't start larking about.

You're asking for it, ain't you?

- You little...

- No, no!

l'll never get your car done, Mr Ackroyd.

- Where are you?

- Here!

Are you going to give in?

You'll get yourself soaked.

You'll get soaking wet.

- Good heavens, sir! What's happened?

- That lunatic!

Get out. Get out of here!

GET OUT!

You've got my leather.

(Crash)

You're fired!

Hey!

Now what have l done?

One...two chamois leathers, one pail...

one spoke brush.

One cap, peaked, car park attendant,

for the use of.

All correct. And now, Pitkin, get out.

Pitkin!

Mr Bollington, l'd like your permission

to have another go at joining the police.

- Not here.

- lf you'll put in a word for me...

Pitkin, if you were six feet tall, 20 stone,

and were world weightlifting champion,

l still wouldn't put in a word for you.

You're not cut out to be a policeman.

You haven't got it here

and you haven't got it here.

- l'm letting my dad down. Do you see?

- Get out.

Yeah.

You know, Mr Bollington,

you haven't got it here either.

You can rest assured, one of these days

l shall be a policeman.

Just like my dad was.

l'd, erm, like to join the police, please, sir.

- Name?

- Um...Pitkin.

Haven't l seen your face

somewhere before?

No, sorry.

Well, you're a fine, tall specimen.

Wait here. l'll see if l can get you

a medical check.

All...all right.

(Whimpers)

You're lucky. The doctor was just going.

This way.

Well, close the door.

Good gracious!

Well, come on, over here.

Good Lord!

lt's been a shocking old day again,

hasn't it?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Now, then...

Seven foot one!

Hey, wait a minute, that's my fault.

You've still got your hat on.

Now...

Ooh, damn it. Any damage?

No, it's all right.

- Six foot eleven.

- Yeah.

Come on, over here.

Read that chart.

- Z

- Yeah.

- B

- Clearly.

- R

- Say that again.

R. Aaargh!

That saves time later. Go on, next line.

D, O, H.

P, J, W, E,

W, H, N...

- Hello.

- Hello. Er, D...

- W, Z, T...

- Never mind that for a minute.

- What?

- God!

- What?

- You've got a very good ear.

- Oh. Have l?

- Yeah. Are you fond of music?

Of course. l love music.

Then l might be able

to put you into the police choir.

Ooh! What? ln...

l'm the choirmaster.

- (Excited stuttering)

- Now, don't go away.

Now, then. Wait a minute.

There we are.

Now, see if you can read that.

l think l can.

Q, R, Z...

B flat? A natural?

L, B...

(Sings) C sharp.

(Both sing) G, B, C sharp...

- C sharp.

- And a D. D.

Da dee da-da dee-dee dee-da

la-la-la dee-dee

La-la la-la-tra la-la-la

la-la-la-la la-la-la-la la-la-la la-la lo

La-la-la dicky um-pum

pum-pum dicky-dicky um-pum

La...

La-la-la dicky um-pum

La-la-la

La la la laa-laa-laaaaaa!

- How do you like that tune?

- Oh, pretty, pretty, pretty!

lt's a little thing l knocked off myself.

Yeah? l thought l'd heard it

somewhere before.

Come over here.

Weight!

Come on, then.

Weight.

What is your...weight?

Oh... (Chuckles)

Nine stone 12 pounds dead.

How much alive?

- Oh, yeah.

- How's that?

Come over here.

Now, take your jacket off, roll

your sleeve up and sit down there.

Nine stone 12...dead.

Hold that under there,

there's a good chap.

There we are.

We'll soon get you fixed up.

There.

l don't like the look of that.

lt'll have to come off.

- What? Me arm?

- No, no, no, no. This.

(Air hisses)

The next thing is to test your reflexes.

That's the next item on the agenda, lad.

Now, then. Hold that up there like that.

There we are.

Feel that?

- Your elbow!

- Oh!

Take it away.

- Ow!

- Gotcha!

Cross your legs.

Gotcha!

Relax.

Come here.

- Me?

- Come on.

Got a bit of a limp, haven't you?

l'm sorry, son. l shall have to turn down

your application.

l shall fight it.

l didn't get away with it, Dad.

Why couldn't l be as big as you?

Officer! Officer! Excuse me, Officer.

l'm an American tourist...and l'm lost.

Could you direct me

to Grosvenor Square?

Erm... Grosvenor Square... Erm...

Well, of course,

you'll have to get to the high street first.

And, erm...

l'll take you up there myself.

Oh, that's very kind of you, Officer.

Have you been

to many interesting places?

Oh, indeed l have. Now, let me see.

There was Westminster Abbey

and Buckingham Palace.

And oh, that Bloody Tower!

Oh, yeah, very annoying.

There you are, madam.

Any bus'll do you now. 47, 23...

Do you think you could call me a cab?

Or perhaps you're not

allowed to, Officer?

(Whistles)

l wasn't speeding, guv.

Now, watch it, that's all. Just watch it.

Grosvenor Square, please.

Thank you, Officer.

You London policemen

are just wonderful.

(Man) Evening News and Standard!

All the winners!

Get your evening paper over here.

All the winners,

runners and riders for tomorrow.

Evening News and Standard.

Get your evening paper here.

Evening News and Sta...

Evening News and Standard.

(Subdued) Evening News and Standard.

- Yes?

- Tea, please.

Sugar, Chick.

Hey, copper! That's my tea you got there.

(Laughter)

(Car horn blares)

Hey!

Come 'ere.

You're not allowed to play football in

the streets. You know that, don't you?

But there's nowhere else to play.

l can't help that.

You're not allowed to play here.

But can't we just have one game

of football, please, sir?

Not here, you can't.

But we haven't got anywhere else

to play, sir.

- You'll have to find somewhere.

- But there isn't nowhere, sir.

- lsn't there?

- No, sir.

- Just a couple of kicks, then.

- (All cheer)

(All shouting)

Oi! Oi! Quiet!

Now, break it up, boys.

You've started to make a noise already.

He started it.

He kicked off before we was ready.

Sir, will you be our referee?

You got the whistle.

(All) Yeah! Go on!

All right.

Just five minutes each way, then.

(All cheer)

Go on, get in your places.

(Blows whistle)

(Whistle continues)

Hey!

l repeat, this information is to all cars.

Not too hard. Argh!

Oh.

25...

Ooh, there's hundreds.

- Aren't you going to play any more?

- Haven't you got me in enough trouble?

(All) Stop!

Oi!

- Where did he go, sir?

- l don't know. What does he look like?

- Don't know, sir.

- l don't know, sir.

What do you mean?

You've seen him, haven't you?

No, sir.

Somebody must know

what he looks like. Who gave the alarm?

Who blew the whistle?

- l thought you blew it.

- Not me.

- Well, who did? Was it you?

- Oh, no, sir. We were playing cards, sir.

We were standing by in S Division, sir.

- Who did?

- l was on duty at Tottenham, sir.

(All muttering)

There he goes, down the alley.

Quick! Come on!

You mustn't cross on the stairs.

lt's unlucky.

Come on!

Spread out!

Are you going to be our referee again?

No, l'm not!

Don't worry, we've got our own whistle.

Have you?

Oh, don't blow it! Argh!

That's my dad's.

(Sings La Donna Mobile)

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