On the Double

( dramatic theme playing )

NARRATOR:

Berlin, 1944.

A secret radio message

from Adolf Hitler

personally to his spies

in Great Britain.

"Kill General MacKenzie-Smith,

please."

There was terrible headaches,

you know.

Here in London, this is how

the message was passed on.

It's only now that we of

British Military Intelligence

have been able to

piece together fully

from captured German documents.

We thank Paramount Pictures

in Hollywood

for having the courage

to put this on the screen.

I know we wouldn't.

The German Secret Service

didn't hesitate a moment

in placing Hitler's orders

into effect.

MacKenzie-Smith

was drawing up the plans

for the Allied invasion

of Europe

and had to be stopped

at all costs.

Here come General Eisenhower,

Field Marshall Montgomery,

General de Gaulle,

and Sir Lawrence

MacKenzie-Smith himself

wearing

the familiar eye patch.

MAN:

Stop! Stop or I'll shoot!

( gunfire )

( dramatic theme playing )

NARRATOR:

Dear, dear. We don't seem to be

catching up.

Well, after all, the Germans

are in a Rolls Royce

and our lads

only have American Jeeps.

Not that we're not grateful,

mind you.

Uh, it is better

than walking.

( gunshots )

( tires screech )

Oh, come, come. Let's get those

ruddy names off the screen

Never heard of any

of those chaps. Have you?

( police siren wailing )

MAN ( over speaker ):

This camp area is now sealed.

NARRATOR:

That night MacKenzie sealed

every military area in Britain.

Nothing could move

in or out.

Not even two American soldiers

assigned to a British base.

MAN ( over speaker ):

...permitted to leave this base

by personal order

of the General Officer

MacKenzie-Smith,

that so and so.

Boy,

you can say that again.

Cheer up, Joe.

So we can't leave for home

Pack up your troubles

in your old kit bag and smile.

Smile. Smile.

Sure. After all the trouble

to get the Red Cross

My poor wife having

My mother isn't desperately ill.

She's on Miami Beach.

She sent me a picture of her

in a bathing suit,

My poor sister

works for the Red Cross.

Want to get her in trouble?

No, I don't wanna

get her in trouble.

How many times have I told you

I'm on the salt-free,

fat-free, high-protein

low-calorie diet?

What's so difficult

about that?

It's not easy

to get it on a shingle.

No.

We don't even belong

in this teabag outfit.

Well, I know that.

The, the--

Our company was just loaned

to the British Army

to show them how to open spam

or something.

All right.

Why don't we see the captain?

We'll explain

the whole situation to him.

He's a nice fellow.

He'll cut some orders for us,

and then in a couple of days,

we'll be home.

Ernie, this is the army,

remember?

There are a couple of boys

trying to get home

from Gettysburg.

They'll make it.

Inspecting something,

I guess.

Why ain't they

out fighting the war?

What do you want?

Why aren't we fighting the war?

Because we want our

side to win. That's why.

Sit down, chaps.

We're all

in the same leaky boat.

Not us. We're supposed

to be sailing on one tonight.

Our sick ones

are waiting for us.

( all chuckle )

This military camp

is now sealed

by order

of the general commanding

by order of

His Majesty's government,

and by order of

the Prime Minister.

Uh-huh.

( imitating MacKenzie ):

Hey! We shall fight them

on the beaches. We shall

fight them on the streets.

But, uh,

how can we fight them

if we can't get out

of this ruddy camp?

Quiet, will you?

I've gotta think.

Now, there must be

somebody we know

that's got enough influence

to get us out of here tonight.

( in normal voice ):

There's only one man.

( imitates Hitler ):

Sieg heil!

( all chuckle )

( speaking in German )

Now he'll run his whole

Luftwaffe for you.

He has a gamut of three.

It's because he was raised in

the German section of Brooklyn.

( all chuckling )

( in English ):

There'll always be an England,

but they will be

driving Volkswagens.

We will have the--

Ernie, your mustache fell

in the potatoes.

It looks right at home.

( in normal voice ):

Yeah, well...

See, without my patch,

I have one good eye

with 20/20 vision

and one bad eye

uh, in case of

extreme myopia, you see.

And, uh, I wrote a letter

to my draft board about it,

He's jolly good, you know?

The life of the party.

Do an imitation

of the boat sailing

for the States

without us.

( in rough voice):

When the saints go marching in.

Will you quit

fooling around?

( all chuckling )

( normal ):

Honestly, we'll get going.

Of course.

I can just see

MacKenzie Smith,

that one-eyed

old slave driver

giving you permission

to go.

Yeah, so can I.

Yeah, here.

( clears throat )

( imitates MacKenzie ):

Uh, um, speak up, young man.

Huh, what's his mother doing

around in Rip Rolls. What?

Nuh-uh.

Good heavens, man.

Why didn't you

speak up sooner?

Oh, yes.

I say unseal Britain,

and let my people go.

Don't encourage him,

please.

Oh, that's the old bird

to a tee.

your duty is merely

to do your duty.

Do you understand?

Obey orders.

Now yours

is not to reason why.

Ours is not to reason

why either.

If any stops to reason why,

we should all be

in Miami Beach with Mother.

Ha, ha, I say,

that's a rather witty one.

Well, uh, what?

Carry on.

Come on, chaps.

On the double.

Ernie.

Well, what for?

We're going out

to the motor pool.

Grab a car. You'll sit

in the back seat

and I'll drive you out,

General.

I won't be impersonating

an officer.

That's what I mean.

I'll impersonate an officer.

Ernie,

it's dark outside.

Don't you see how you fooled

that limey captain?

wearing all that brass.

I'll make like your chauffeur.

It's a cinch.

You must be out of your mind.

You don't even know

how to drive.

The incredible just takes

just a little bit longer.

and categorically

no, no, no.

( tires screeching )

MAN 1:
Hey!

( tires screeching )

MAN 2:

Who goes there?

Oh, sorry, sir.

I didn't know you were

visiting the camp, sir.

But I have strict orders, sir.

Your orders not to let anyone

Quiet, sergeant.

( imitates MacKenzie ):

Um, very good.

But I've just revoked

the order,

and I am in a bit

of a rush.

Open the barrier.

There's a good man.

Sorry, sir, but you must

prove your identity.

Blasted man,

I have urgent business

at Supreme Headquarters.

I have no time to play

Tin Soldier. Never have.

Now you know who I am.

Open the barrier

or I shall have my man

drive through it!

Open.

( engine revs )

( in normal voice ):

Once we get out of sight,

I'll take the wheel.

I've got to hand it to you.

Maybe it was you

who had the IQ of 185.

( tire bursts )

I guess it was mine.

Listen, you better get out

and change that tire

before they try

to come and help us.

Where do they hide the tools

in these things?

I don't even know

where they put the motor.

I can't do that.

I'm the general.

So, be democratic.

Oh, stop worrying.

They didn't even notice us.

Hey, I think I found the jack.

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