On the Double Page #2

Heh, look.

( car horn honking )

Look, I think I found a fuse.

( siren wailing )

( both nervously chattering )

Oh, what fender.

What to do?

Let me get out of here!

Lift up, so I can

put the jack under here.

( screams ):

Yeah, oh, God!

Get this thing up--

We have transport

for you, sir. Please get in.

We'll take you

to Supreme Headquarters.

I've got a better idea.

Take me to jail.

( dramatic theme playing )

MAN:

Yes, yes. A remarkable

resemblance to the general.

But we must be

absolutely certain.

The Nazis,

I'm sorry to say, escaped.

They've slipped through

our fingers again,

up our sleeve as

a last resort.

Finally, we seem to have

stumbled on a man

who has a chance

of carrying it off.

Yes, but yeah, you've seen

the report on this fellow?

He's a hypochondriac,

a malingerer,

a confirmed grouser,

he's got flat feet--

But it made a monkey

out of the Sergeant Le Garde.

Nonsense. At night,

and for a few seconds only.

Colonel.

We're both in intelligence

and both understand

that could get us committed

to a booby hatch

There's something in that.

Now sometimes the long chance

is the only chance.

Perhaps you're right.

Well, I'll tell you

what we'll do.

We'll have this fellow,

Private Williams,

brought in tomorrow and leave it

to the general to make

the final decision.

How's that?

The general himself?

Heh, one thing we've learned

from you Americans,

my boy, the higher

you pass the buck,

the longer it takes

to come back to you.

( upbeat theme playing )

NARRATOR:

Our code name for this chap

was to be Dead Pigeon.

Goodness, do you think

he heard me?

Okay, Corporal.

We'll take it from here.

Come along.

Sir Lawrence,

this is Project 402.

Good heavens.

Oh, please don't judge by

his present unprepossessing

appearance, sir.

Z-2 has investigated him

thoroughly, sir.

This man has an amazing

ability for mimicry.

Oh, jolly, we'll have

to make sure.

Step forward, man.

Step forward, damn it!

Uh...

Turn around.

Faster!

I can't turn around

any faster, sir.

If I turn around fast,

I get dizzy

and nauseous

and everything, sir.

Yes, sir.

It's like this, sir.

You see, sir.

It's a form

allergenic vertigo, sir.

It's, uh, a deviation

of the inner ear.

It's quite an interesting

problem medically.

I wrote a letter to draft board,

explaining the whole thing.

MACKENZIE:

What is this ruddy nonsense?

I say, stop it, you hear.

Halt!

I say there is a vague physical

resemblance, but I do say,

chaps, don't you think we're

going a bit near the knuckle?

Oh, excuse me. MI-5 have also

investigated this man, sir.

Tested him thoroughly.

His impersonation of you

is skillful even uncanny.

Please don't judge

too hastily, sir.

Yes, yes, yes.

Of course.

Mm, uh.

Uh ,what did you say

this chap's name was?

Williams.

Private Ernest Williams.

MACKENZIE:

Yes, of course. Uh, you.

Let me hear you play

General MacKenzie-Smith

in your uncanny

and skillful way.

( coughing and gibbering )

Would you mind

putting out that cigar, sir?

I'm allergic to tobacco.

My sinuses simply are not

equipped to handle it, sir.

It's all in that letter,

page four, paragraph three.

Look here, man!

I haven't got all day!

General Eisenhower

is waiting.

Oh, tell him not to, sir.

I don't do him.

( sneezes )

Of all the blithering idiots,

I give you exactly five seconds

to comply with my order

or I'll ruddy well have you

taken out and shot!

Or are you allergic

to that too?

( imitates Mackenzie ) :

Of all the blithering idiots,

I give you exactly five seconds

to comply with my order

or I'll ruddy well have you

taken out and shot!

Or are you allergic

to that too?

Rather good, me boy.

Rather good.

I say, that's quite

a remarkable resemblance.

I'm glad you think so, sir.

Yes, I do.

My congratulations,

dear fellow.

Yes, yes.

Quite remarkable.

Blast me

if I don't think he'll do.

( in normal voice ):

You're not going to shoot me

Have you been told about

your assignment?

Assignment?

We'll take care of that later.

He hasn't been told a thing.

Face the general.

Oh, excuse me,

Sir.

Uh, what will you have?

What?

I'm on a salt-free,

fat-free, high-protein,

low-calorie,

low-cholesterol diet, sir.

Blast it, man!

Anyone who wants to step into

my shoes better learn

to drink my brandy.

Yes, sir.

Oh, yes, sir. I think

they let me keep it, sir.

I have it. Oh, uh.

No, that's the Hitler mustache.

I can tell by

the mashed potatoes.

( imitates MacKenzie ):

All leaves casual forthwith

for the fortnight.

That's the wrong eye,

you idiotic nincompoop!

A mistake like that

might be tragic.

Well, you see, sir,

I have one good eye

and one eye

with very poor vision.

When I imitate you, sir,

I always put the patch

on the bad eye

so I can see.

But if you insist on it, sir,

I can put it on the good eye,

Here, man.

Here's your drink. Drink up.

Sir, I have

a liver condition--

There'll be steel

through it if you don't.

Alcohol makes the enzymes

in my blood have their own--

Be quiet, man,

or I'll have you hanged

for insubordination!

( stammers ):

Yes, sir. Very good, sir.

If that's

what you really want.

Sorry, sir.

I, uh, can't see a thing,

so I should always wear it on.

Ooh, uh, say, huh...

For heaven's sake, man,

drink up

and get out

of my sight.

Oh, uh, excuse me, sir.

( Ernest gibbering )

Yes, sir.

Uh, yes.

Take him out and try

to persuade him to desert.

Yes, sir.

Come along.

You've got him, Jeff.

MAN:

The enemy expect

the invasion here.

Now, at all costs,

we must confuse

the German high command as to

where the blow will really fall.

Already we've sent

an actor

who resembles

Field Marshal Montgomery

on a tour of North Africa

to convince the enemy

that the attack will be

launched from there.

Sound thinking.

Thank you,

Private Williams.

Very kind of you.

Now, General MacKenzie-Smith

will shortly take off by air

for Yugoslavia

where the second front

will really begin.

He must travel, of course,

in complete secrecy, disguised.

Disguised perhaps as a private

in the American army.

Private Ernest Williams.

I see.

And you want me

to impersonate the general

for a while so that

the German high command

will believe

he is still in London?

Sound thinking.

Uh, thank you, sir.

Very kind of you.

Uh, I've been doing

some more sound thinking, sir

and, uh, ah, I don't think

I want the job, uh, sir.

ERNIE:

Well, sir, doing it for

the fellows is one thing

but in real life, day after day

uh, heh, I'm not even British.

I honestly don't think

I could carry it off.

In that case, soldier,

I'll arrange

for your Court-Martial

immediately.

Thank you, sir.

Uh, Court-Martial, sir?

Uh, Court-Martial?

Impersonating an officer

is a capital offense.

I think the fellow

is quite right.

An American. How could he be

convincing as an Englishman?

You did, of course.

When does a colonel

listen to a private, sir?

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