On the Double Page #3

I mean, uh, I've been doing

a lot of sound thinking

and I don't think

there's anybody else

You don't?

Yes, sir.

Uh, certainly on the surface

I may appear American to you

but dash it all, underneath,

my roots go back

to the Pilgrim fathers.

( imitating MacKenzie-Smith ):

You do realize I play cricket

every Whitsuntide?

For old Genenid...

( Ernest gibbering )

I don't know, sir,

but I do know I'd like the job.

Under those circumstances,

I'll be happy

to see that you get it.

You have nothing

to worry about.

We'll give you

a complete make up job.

Gray your hair.

We'll put you through

a whale of a training program.

You'll study

the general's actions,

appearance, friends,

the whole works.

When we get through, you'll

not only look like the general

That may be necessary too.

I can't do that.

You see, Colonel?

I'm on a salt-free,

fat-free, high-protein,

low-cholesterol

low-calorie diet.

We'll cross that alcoholic

bridge when we come to it.

Uh, I want you both

to know that

I'm very happy to do anything

that will make sure that

the government of the people

by the people

and for the people

shall not perish

from this earth.

Thank you, Honest Abe.

Four score

and seven years ago,

or forefathers brought forth

upon this land a low-calorie,

( sad theme playing )

cottage cheese,

which is the only--

( sighs )

Don't you think

perhaps we ought to tell him?

Tell him what?

That a spy ring of German agents

are operating

within our own headquarters?

That's already made

three attempts

on MacKenzie-Smith's life.

It may be wise

to risk someone else's life

for the generals but--

I don't altogether agree

with you Americans,

you know?

ought to be told the truth

and allowed to volunteer.

Colonel, in two years

of army service

Private First Class

Ernest Williams

has never volunteered

for anything

including volleyball.

My only regret is he only has

but one life

to give to his country.

Consider him

our rebuttal for Britain.

All right, Jeff, my boy.

You may be right.

Here you are, then.

Heh. To Lend Lease.

( upbeat theme playing )

Will you be needing the car

again this evening, sir?

Uh, no.

That will be all.

You're dismissed, sergeant.

Thank you.

Yes, sir. Uh, the usual tonight,

I assume, sir?

Uh, yes, yes.

Yes, of course.

Very good.

You certainly fooled

the general's driver.

Yeah.

How's the contact lens

we fitted for you?

I had a little bit of difficulty

with it at first, sir,

but I see out of it

wonderfully now.

Oh, good, good.

I was wondering, sir.

Can I have this contact lens

after I finish this job?

Don't quite know how we'd be

able to get it away from you.

By the way, have you got

the spare lens we gave you?

Yes. Yes.

I have it right here.

Where is it?

Don't lose it.

The general's suite

Yes?

Sergeant Twickenham and

his bad manners is waiting.

He's been told everything.

Tomorrow you make your

I do?

Launching the Joint

Allied Red Cross

with General Zlinkov

of the Red Army.

Don't forget

No, I won't, sir.

Go straight upstairs.

No, I won't.

Good night.

Good night.

I said "evening."

Pretty good, huh.

You should have caught me

at the airport.

Ahem! Men, we have

an enormous job of work to do.

the Allied victories

there is nothing in the world

that we must value

as highly as discipline.

Heh, pretty cute, huh?

The resemblance

is absolutely astounding, sir.

But if I might suggest?

Head back.

Not too far, sir.

Uh, slight trace of a limp

in the left leg.

Wounded in France.

Oh!

No, sir. Paris.

Lady in a spiked heel.

The general was barefoot

at the time.

They told me

he was married.

Yes, sir. That too.

Lady Margaret,

lovely girl.

She's in Canada, you know,

on a war savings

bond drive.

That's good. I'll have

to remember to keep my shoes on.

( doorbell buzzes )

You forgot your briefcase, sir.

As usual.

Yes. Thank you.

Uh, yes, uh, quite.

Thank you very much.

Good night. Pip, pip.

Cheerio.

Thank you.

Thank you very much indeed.

You may go back

to the motor pool, Sergeant.

Beastly night, though,

isn't it, sir?

Double beastly, actually.

Well, good night, sergeant.

Carry on. Press on.

Pip, pip.

Tally ho,

and, uh, you may fall out.

What?

What's wrong with you?

Of course, Larry.

You're the general.

Yes, of course.

Quite.

I must investigate

this absolutely thoroughly.

I think you'll find everything

where it should be.

Good night,

sergeant.

Good night, general.

Sergeant!

As usual.

( romantic theme playing )

Twickenham!

Comman--!

What's wrong with you tonight,

darling?

You're acting a little cold,

aren't you?

Cold.

Yes, that's what I have.

A beastly...

( coughs )

You had better leave.

You might catch it.

I know a lovely way

to break up a cold, Larry

or have you forgotten?

You were very distant

towards me

in the car tonight,

darling.

I, uh, hope you're not holding

what happened

last Thursday PM

against me.

Not at all.

Not a bit.

Not a smidgen.

Not a wit.

No, no.

Not even Wednesday AM.

Wednesday AM?

( both chuckles )

Larry, you mad fool!

( moaning )

Ah, you haven't change a bit,

after all, heh.

( both sigh )

( both kiss )

Do...

Do you really think she has

a cure for the common cold?

I wouldn't doubt it

for a moment, sir.

That's what my speech

is about tomorrow.

I did try to warn you,

sir.

Yeah. Well.

Uh, what am I gonna do?

It would be dangerous

to arouse suspicion, sir.

After all, the general has got

a reputation with the ladies.

I know that, but I'm on

a salt-free, fat-free,

high-protein, low-calorie

low-cholesterol diet.

You better get me

out of here.

Tell her anything.

Tell her something.

Tell her

I've, uh, gone to visit a war.

I'm engaged

in a secret conference.

Tell her anything.

I've got to get out.

( doorbell buzzes )

Oh, no, sir.

I once asked her.

( panting )

It's Lady Margaret, sir.

The general's wife.

Lady Margaret? You told me

she's in Canada on a bond tour.

What kind of a war

is this, anyway?

I thought we were fighting

the Germans.

Hey, you keep Margaret busy.

I'll get rid of Dr. Cronkite.

Sergeant. Sergeant?

Where are you?

Sergeant?

I say, Sergeant, where are you?

STANHOPE:

In here, Larry.

What? Oh!

Ah.

You impetuous beast.

I'm sorry, your baggage.

My wife, you know.

What am I supposed to do?

( panting )

Out of the bath,

into your clothes,

Hm, the usual.

( sighs )

Larry.

Maggie!

( gibbers )

I say it's absolutely wizard

to have you back, old girl.

Larry!

I--

Don't I do that to you?

I'm terribly sorry. I was

absolutely overcome, you see.

Been ghastly lonely, you know.

Just me and Ike and Monty

and Charlie de Gaulle.

Larry, you know I don't

find you amusing any longer.

If you don't mind,

I'd like to take a bath

( pants )

What?

I mean, there's been awful

trouble with the plumbing.

I had to pitch in myself,

you see.

Do you realize that all the good

plumber are in intelligence now?

That, ha, ha...

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