On the Double Page #4

That's a rather good one.

Rather I'll have it fixed

straight away.

Now what, darling?

Oh, you are a bit slower

this evening.

Quickly, dear.

On the double.

Oh!

You seem so different.

You've changed.

What's happened

to all the passion?

Passion. Poetry.

Yes. Good night.

Good night.

Parting

is such sweet sorrow

that I say good night

till it be morrow.

Oh, Larry!

In dreams

I kiss your hand, madame.

But drink to me

only with thine eyes.

I'd be down to get you

in a taxi, honey,

but you'd better be ready

Yes! Here, dear!

Sorry, I took so long.

I had a bit of difficult,

but it's all fixed now.

Eh, dreeded it for.

Uh, drewed it for you.

Difficult language,

isn't it?

Oh, capital idea.

Absolutely capital.

Yes.

Uh, I'm a bit

fagged out myself.

I think I should turn in myself.

Come over here, Larry.

Come here.

What ever for?

Well, I want to talk to you.

Yes.

( sighs )

How are Toronto Maple Leafs

doing this season?

( sighs )

And how is your dear mother?

Gears lock.

Absolutely smashing.

Received a letter

only yesterday.

My dear Larry, your mother has

been dead for over two years.

Well, the mails are terribly

slow these days.

and traffic lights

and that sort of thing.

Who are you?

What are you doing here?

Twickenham!

Twickenham!

Your Ladyship.

You'll excuse my forwardness but

I took the liberty of calling

MI-5 military intelligence.

Colonel Somerset's on the line

he'll explain everything to you.

Well, I certainly

hope so.

Don't let him out

of your sight.

I guess

I didn't fool her at all.

Don't worry, sir.

The general

never does either.

Larry's where?

Yes, I did return unexpectedly.

Project 402?

Dead Pigeon?

What is this soldier

supposed to do?

Now, Colonel Somerset,

are you serious?

Does he know this?

He should be told.

Well ,yes, Colonel,

if you say it's top secret,

not a word.

Poor unfortunate fool.

Uh, her Ladyship.

Ah, sorry, sir.

She'll expect this.

That will be all,

Twickenham.

Ah, yes, my lady.

I'm sorry

about all this.

or I was supposed to try

to convince you I was Larry or--

Oh.

You may

put your hands down.

Oh, thank you.

I, uh, wouldn't like

to cause any embarrassment.

I could sleep outside

on the couch or something.

No, heh, we'll play

the game to the hilt.

You sleep in Larry's bed.

He seldom used it anyway.

I still have

the gun, soldier.

( chuckles )

I hope you'll forgive my

being a bit shaky, but, uh,

I mean

I've met a lady, but

I had a peculiar idea

that you'd be wearing

a crown or

coronet or a halo.

Something like that.

Oh, I haven't worn a halo

in years.

You could have

fooled me.

Lady Margaret, I'm curious

about something.

Did I play the part

well enough to fool you?

I wouldn't mean

permanently,

but momentarily

when we first met.

Oh, that's when you made

your first mistake.

Because Larry hasn't kissed

me hello in ages.

He hasn't?

he never bothered

to hide them from me.

That might be an expression

of an inferiority complex.

It could mean that he loves

you very much.

I wish I could

be as forgiving as that

but I came back

from Canada

to ask Larry

to give me a divorce.

War hero or no.

Oh, I'm sorry

to hear that.

Maybe all he needs is to go

and see a psychoanalyst.

I once had an uncle

who hated my aunt.

He went to see an analyst

every day for six months

at $25 a visit.

He learned to love her

all over again.

Then he ran out of money,

so she divorced him.

I don't know why I'm

telling you all this,

except that it has

absolutely nothing to do

with your

situation at all.

If you're supposed to have

fooled Larry's friends

and I presume you are,

you've got an

awful lot to learn.

You have?

Yes. I've been down

to the headquarters,

and they've been showing

newsreels of him

and I've been

reading biographies

and I've been

practicing too.

Yes.

Limping and

swagger-sticking.

I ever put a mark

on my eye

where the patch is

supposed to go over, heh.

Larry doesn't need any patch

any more than you do.

He doesn't?

It's just that

one eye has a tendency

to become quite bloodshot

after five or six brandies,

his usual condition.

I don't like

officers like that

They think

they're winning the war.

You're winning the war,

Private Williams.

No, not me.

I'm not doing

anything much.

I'll be finished

in a few days.

I think you'd better

get some sleep

Yeah.

Uh, good night,

Your Ladyship.

Good night,

Project 402.

NARRATOR:

Our man from Brooklyn remained

a perfect gentleman all night.

( suspenseful theme

playing )

( speaking in Russian )

What'd I say?

Ah, you said, "My old

friend, Marshall Zlinkov.

It's been a long time since

those gay old days in Moscow."

Yes, I've got that phrase

down pretty pat, but

suppose the general asks me

something else in Russian.

I can't keep telling him about

the gay old days in Moscow.

I shall be on

the platform with you,

and I shall tap you

when you must answer.

Once for nyet, meaning no.

Twice for da, meaning--

Three times for mozhet byt,

meaning yes.

We're getting close to the area.

Once for nyet, meaning da.

Once for da. Two nyets for

mozhet, meaning--

Here, here. How about a spot

of brandy for the nerves?

No, thank you. I don't.

You don't happen to have

any yogurt in there?

Yeah.

None.

You better have the brandy

yourself. Ah, twice for yeah.

I get out of the car

and everybody cheers.

I step on the platform.

Everybody cheers.

I deliver the speech.

Everybody cheers.

I get back in the car,

and they go out of their

minds, cheering, heh.

We're here.

Ah, Twig, we're here.

Ah, Twickenham.

It's no time

to fall asleep.

I've got to remember

the nyets and the--

Twickenham!

Twickenham, say something.

Take him out.

Hurry, they're cheering you.

What's the matter?

Yes, yes.

Poor Twickenham.

High blood pressure.

And a touch of malaria.

Malaria, I believe.

But he had such

a good complexion.

But he also had cirrhosis

of the liver and a weak heart.

Cirrhosis.

You never know who's gonna go

next, do you?

Sometimes you do.

You take care of him.

Go on. They're waiting.

Good luck.

Uh, maybe if he'd been

on a fat-free--

I don't think

that would have helped.

Look, I can't go out there.

Look at that crowd.

You've got to.

You can fool some of the people

all of the time

and all of the people

some of the time.

But the first fellow

who said that was shot.

( suspenseful theme playing )

MAN ( over PA ):

May I welcome you on behalf

of the United States Army.

Also on behalf of our

distinguished visitors,

Marshall Gregory Zlinkov of

the Army of the Soviet Union,

General Sir Lawrence

MacKenzie-Smith

of the British General Staff.

( all cheering )

We gather here

on the eve of the invasion.

You men will

spearhead the attack

and rest assured

in the knowledge

that today

as we launch a new drive

for the plasma

that will bring to the floor--

Tovarish, doctor.

( speaking in Russian )

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