On the Double Page #5

( speaking in Russian )

General MacKenzie-Smith, you

speak the marshal's language.

Would you explain

to your old friend

We're not taking

any blood samples.

( both speaking in Russian )

I believe he said

this reminds him

of the gay

old days in Moscow.

I say, what are they

doing there?

Da.

( groans )

( chuckles )

MAN:

Hero.

Carry on.

Men, we have

further good news.

After intensive research,

the medical corps

of the United States Army

is passing along

to its allies

Those two enemies

of seaborne landings

mild burn exposure

have finally been conquered.

One shot

of serum D-104,

and seasickness

becomes an old wives' tale.

( speaks in Russian )

( speaking in Russian )

( chuckles )

We have also developed S-604,

a new anti-influenza vaccine.

Gentlemen,

never has the army had two

such distinguished guinea pigs.

Not at all.

Ready? Oh, yes.

Uh, pardon me.

Ah, no, sir.

These are in the arm.

Oh, terribly sorry.

I say, do be gentle.

Thank you.

Uh...

( grunts )

Molodets, heh.

Men of the invasion forces,

the hero of Dunkirk,

El Alamein and Tobruk,

General Sir Lawrence

MacKenzie-Smith.

( all applauding )

As you are, men.

Men...

no longer the discomfort

of seasickness.

As you men are the spearhead

of the invasion

disembarked

from your landing craft,

you will be so healthy

and so fit

that your condition will come

as a complete surprise

to the German army.

And so I say

to our gallant allies, hip, hip.

Achoo! Pardon.

Let me hip, hip, achoo.

( gunshots )

( man groaning )

I'm afraid

I'm not much of a cook,

but this is the best

I could do without Twickenham.

Twickenham.

That was the fastest case

of cirrhosis I've ever seen

in my whole life.

What about that stray bullet

that knocked my hat off?

Boy, that was really close.

You'd better

eat properly.

I'm supposed to ride through

Trafalgar Square in an open car.

They want me to sit up

on the back

so that the people can

see me when they cheer.

I'm a symbol,

you know.

You're a target.

A target.

A sitting duck.

Do you know what

the code name for you is?

German Secret Service

has been trying

to kill my husband

and you've been set up

to take his place.

No, no. He's going to Yugoslavia

to open a second front.

All the English troops are going

to Yugoslavia because he said

that when he went to Yugoslavia,

all the troops would be able to

be able to attack

behind the Danube.

Dead Pigeon?

Do you know why we're giving

that party tonight

for the officers of

Larry's old regiment?

No. You mean the MacKenzie

First Highlanders? No.

They've learned

that the chief agent

And tonight,

they've invited everyone

they suspect of wanting

to kill you.

( objects clatter )

I'm sorry. I'm getting out

of here right now.

I'm turning in my eye patch,

sir. And my mustache.

I figured out your

whole cold-blooded scheme.

Pretty clever, wasn't it?

If they don't get me

at the party,

at Trafalgar Square.

You can have your pips back.

I'd rather be a private

in the front lines under fire

from shot and shell, sir.

Don't take that literally,

too, sir.

I'm sorry, Colonel Somerset.

I suppose I've broken security

but I couldn't

let you do it to him.

That's all right.

I understand how you feel,

of course

but it's a matter

of military necessity.

But there's been a change

in the situation.

Why? Are they

switching to knives?

No.

I'm sorry to have to break

this news to you,

under these circumstances.

What's wrong,

Colonel Somerset?

The aircraft that was taking

General MacKenzie-Smith

supposedly to Yugoslavia

was in point of fact headed for

invasion headquarters in Kent.

He was going a roundabout

route to confuse the enemy.

It was, I regret to say,

Everybody lost, including

I'm afraid, your husband.

You have my very deepest

sympathy, Lady Margaret.

Are you all right?

Yes, thank you.

I'm all right.

It's strange

that at a time like this

you only remember

the good moments.

So you understand our strategy

has completely changed.

The sad death of

General MacKenzie Smith

will delay

the second front for weeks.

You must be at the party tonight

for the general's old regiment.

Even though you think

somebody at the party

is going to try to

knock me off?

We're sure of it, but this will

make the whole thing work.

When they expose themselves,

that will give us opportunity

of breaking the spy ring.

I see. Before or after

they try to kill me?

Oh, before, naturally, heh.

We hope.

Oh, look, sir.

I like to go to parties,

but I'd like

to go home afterwards.

Under the circumstances,

Williams,

the decision must be yours.

This is not an order.

Oh. well, in that case--

But you must realize

thousands of Allied lives

may depend upon you.

We have no right to ask you to

commit what might be suicide.

Well, in that case--

But the whole of the

United States Army is at stake.

Williams, what do you say?

Help!

Don't forget for a moment

that you're in danger.

Be careful.

Heh.

Don't trust anyone.

Um, ahem.

Remember, if you want

to convince them

you're really Larry.

Fine.

How's it going, vicar?

At the end of the evening

you'll get boring drunk.

And you and I must have

a large family brawl.

How do you do?

We may even strike

each other.

You must try.

How do you do?

Mm-hm?

If anything happens

to me tonight,

I want you to know these

have been nicest two days

I've ever had

in my whole life.

Mm-hm.

( car horn honks )

MAN:
And there he was

General Biff Browningham

with only one chukka

to play.

And I.

Pardon me.

Excuse me. Who's the gentleman

that just arrived in?

Oh.

He was in the

MacKenzie Highlanders.

Just an acquaintance

of Larry's -Mm-hm.

Been in the Middle East.

Hmm.

Well, that's good because

I couldn't stand all details.

MAN:

A drink, your ladyship?

No, thank you.

Um, look here, sergeant.

( coughs )

( gulps )

WOMAN:
That's General

Brown Wiffingham.

Commanding South Hampton

Staging Area.

Oh, yes. I recognize him

from the regimental photo.

Uh, we're supposed to be

very good chaps.

And he calls me, oh,

um, he calls me Binky,

and I call him Puffy.

Puffy.

It's kind of nauseating.

Isn't it?

Well, you're very

fond of him.

But you're not crazy about him.

Oh.

Binky, heh!

Hello, Penelope.

How are

all the children?

Didn't you get my letter

from New Delhi?

Oh, yes.

That was too bad.

What is too bad?

I mean,

I was absolutely overjoyed.

About what?

Em, eh, I save stamps,

you know.

( all laughing )

You can have you head blown off

and still say something witty.

Have your head blown off?

Oh.

Good evening.

It's a pleasure,

Lady Margaret.

I don't think

you or the general know my wife.

How do you do?

Head blown off.

We intercepted

a radio message.

They've changed their plan.

I don't know

what they're trying now.

No, no, no, no.

Uh, I'm following it up.

Nothing could possibly

happen.

Oh.

I know everything

about everybody.

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