On the Double Page #6

Oh, my dear.

Now, what can we

do for you, eh?

What would you like?

Oh, the usual.

( thuds )

WOMAN:
Good heavens.

Lady Vivian.

I was hoping she wouldn't

find out about the party.

She'll ruin everything.

Come on. Let's meet her.

Yes.

Yes?

What have you got

to say for yourself?

Head blown off.

Oh, Aunt Vivian,

I'm so sorry.

Larry's favorite aunt

and I forgot

to invite you.

Yes. A complete oversight,

but my apologies, dear auntie.

Auntie?

You've never referred

to me as auntie.

I didn't?

Old Iron Drawers

was the kindest word

Yes. Iron Drawers.

I know this was

a deliberate slight.

It wasn't at all,

Auntie Drawers.

I mean the Larry,

what's wrong with you?

Wrong with me? There's

nothing wrong at all.

You know when I walk into a room

your eye always twitches.

You see there I finally managed

to over come it.

I don't twitch at all

now that.

There's something strange

about you.

I can't quite

put my finger on it.

Well, you see,

Iron Drawers, I mean auntie,

I'm not quite

myself tonight.

Oh, I have

noticed improvement.

( stammering ):

Yes. I, uh, um...

A drink?

Well, I can't have.

Where's the bar?

What's wrong?

My contact lens.

She knocked it out.

No. Who are you?

Head blown off.

Must have gone under the

table. -Everybody's looking.

Drop your earrings

so we can go after it.

My goodness. I lost my

hearing. -Oh, you clumsy fool.

You've dropped

your earring?

Oh, where's the table?

Left rudder, you fool.

( cat meowing )

Pss. Pss. Pss.

Puss, come on.

Give me that lens.

I'll buy you a monocle.

( meowing )

Would you gimme. Gimme.

Pss. Pss. Pss. Pss.

What are you?

A German spy?

There you are.

Did you find it?

Where's the other

contact lens?

But wait a minute.

There's a car in the street

blinking its light

and I think it's a signal

of some kind.

Don't worry. I'll see to it.

Go and get the lens first.

You join the others.

Yes. I will.

Oh, good heavens. The cat.

Ooh.

No.

Where have you been

all this time?

I have

your drink ready.

No, but I'm not

thirsty actually.

Yes.

A toast?

Eh, to the king.

ALL:

To the king. God bless him.

( coughs )

I shall be going

back there then.

Come back.

God bless him.

I've forgotten, sir.

Eh, favorite what?

Why Captain Patterson,

everyone knows Sir Lawrence

only smokes these.

Eh.

( gibbers )

Binky, you always had the finest

taste in cigars and women.

Another toast.

To the, uh, regiment.

No.

To the regiment.

( all singing indistinctly )

You have to sing

something.

Okay.

The regimental song,

Larry.

Don't you remember

it, sir?

Of course I do.

Yes. He always

leads us into it.

( mumbling )

Come on, love.

( all singing indistinctly )

( coughs )

Drink a toast

A toast, Larry.

To the regiment!

ALL:

To the regiment!

( speaking indistinctly )

To the regiment.

ALL:

To the regiment!

( band playing music )

( crowd laughing )

I tell you.

I think he's marvelous.

Yes. Isn't he?

Gracious heaven.

Larry! Larry!

( woman speaking

indistinctly )

Stop, Larry! Stop!

You're making a travesty

of the regiment.

And of our native land.

One thing you never made fun of,

Larry, was Scotland.

Well, look at me.

What?

There's something

strange going on.

WOMAN:

Do you know what I think?

I think you're not even--

Not even sober.

Larry. How can you

disgrace me like this?

Night after night?

Look here old girl.

I've had about enough of this.

I'll drink how I want,

Oh!

You sober fish wife.

No, I.

How dare you do that to me!

( crowd speaking

indistinctly )

Ooh, that's our Larry,

all right.

One thing Scotland knows how

to make and that's whiskey.

( chuckles )

and you missed me

and you hit Lady Vivian.

No, I was cheating.

I could see a little.

Heh, and what was the

last thing I hit you with?

( in low voice):

The cat.

( both laughing )

Yes.

Uh, is your eye

all right?

Oh, no.

No, it's quite all right.

Just like old times.

( coughs )

Em, do you know that

song I coughed tonight?

Yes.

It, eh, it's very much

like a song

we used to sing

in the 4h grade.

Well, that's quite possible.

Many of these old Scottish

heroes were used

over the years

with different person.

How did it go back

in the 4th grade?

I wonder

If I can remember it.

When the fine mist of

Scotland

Is over the land

I am dreaming of making

And remembering when

We would stroll

Here together

With her eyes

Like the heather

She had sole my heart

Many the year

That has past us

Since we've been apart

But my wee darlin',

Maggie

Is still in my heart

With her eyes

Like the heather

And skin fresh as dew

To my wee darling Maggie

I will e'er be true

Why not?

Well, it was all

right before,

I don't think I should

sleep in this room.

That doesn't make

any sense at all.

It's not supposed to.

( phone rings )

MacKenzie Smith here.

Oh, hello,

Colonel Somerset.

Well, that's wonderful.

Fine.

Good work. Yeah.

Well, I think

they've got their man.

Tomorrow at this time,

they think I'll be able

to back to being

Private Ernie Williams again.

Just a minute.

Will you tell me something?

Do you want to go back

to being Private Ernie Williams?

You can get used

to almost anything.

( cat meows )

Sorry. Go find a louse.

Yes.

the entire show

magnificently.

would ever have been.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not as brave as Larry

I'd be brave enough to do

what I really want to do.

And what do you

really want to do?

But I'm too much of

a coward to do that.

This.

( bell rings )

ERNIE:

Who is it?

Sergeant Stanhope, sir.

An urgent message

from Major Houston.

Ernie.

The eye patch.

The moustache.

Thank you, sergeant.

Hmm.

Ordered to headquarters

immediately.

The car's waiting down below

with the major, sir.

I'll be down directly.

Thank you, sergeant. Press on.

Well, I guess they got him.

and the general's eye patch

and the general's wife.

Well, for taking advantage

of the situation just now.

I, uh, I guess we both had

a little too much to drink.

Oh, uh, would you

do me a great favor?

Of course.

Well, after the war,

if you ever get to Brooklyn,

Yes?

Don't look me up.

Nobody'll ever believe it.

( engine revs )

( door closes )

I say, this is

silly bother,

scurrying about at night

like a ruddy obstetrician.

I'll wager there's no

emergency at all.

Would you care to risk

a fiver?

Three sheets

of the wind, eh?

Aw, what you need, young man,

is some, uh, tomato juice,

raw egg,

Worcestershire sauce and...

Head blown off.

I say, the Major is dead.

Uh, would you stop...

The Major...

I say. Would you...

Uh, the Major is quite dead,

you know.

I say. Would you stop...

Uh, look, the man...

Well, here, please.

You're out of uniform.

Uh, um...

The Major is quite...

Say something.

Say something else.

Don't attempt to escape

or the Major will have company.

but not quite clever enough.

You'll never get away

with this.

I say, Stanhope,

turn the car around.

Not tonight, General.

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