Once Bitten Page #4

vampire.

I'm not wearing a costume.

You nut.

- Pinocchio, you look great.

- What are you supposed to be?

I was going to be Gandhi,

but I couldn't find glasses or a mustache...

so now I'm Yul Brynner.

- That's a great vampire...

- I'm not wearing a costume.

I gotta get some punch.

- Hi, Mark.

- Hi, sir.

- Damn that girl!

- If I've been wrong, revise our plan.

There's more than one way to skin a cat.

Excuse me. May I have your attention

for a moment, please?

Thank you. I'm pleased to announce...

that the winner

of the best-costume contest is...

Mark Kendall as a vampire!

I'm not wearing a costume!

- Robin.

- What happened?

I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.

It was just... All those kids were

yelling and screaming and freaking out.

They were just glad for you that you won.

I know. It's just... I don't know.

It just felt weird for a second.

- Mark! What is it?

- Look! I'm not there!

Look!

I swear, I wasn't there a minute ago.

It's her. It's that woman.

The one that bit your buttons?

I think she's a vampire,

and I think she's turning me into one.

Turning you into a vampire?

That's why I couldn't see myself.

Vampires don't have a reflection.

But you're there. See?

Oh, my God!

Vampires?

Vampires? Did you say...

Yes! Do I have some books on vampires!

Goodness gracious! Just follow me.

You know, it is most unfortunate...

the shocking reputation

that vampires are having these days.

You know, most people

are basing their opinions...

on those silly vampire movies.

What is this doing here?

Is there such a thing as a female vampire?

But of course. The result of a vampire bite,

just the same as any other vampire.

You know, there are even cases

of cat and dog vampires.

Don't worry about it. The cleaning lady

will fix it when she comes next week.

As I was saying, cat and dog vampires.

And I even remember, once in the 1960s...

a gerbil was bitten in the hind leg...

Could a woman vampire

actually exist today?

Like, maybe in Hollywood?

That's the ideal place.

You see, she can blend in with the crowd.

Could one of these lady vampires

actually bite a guy?

You know, like, a teenage guy?

- How old would he be?

- Like, 18.

I seriously doubt it.

You see, the female vampire

needs the blood of a virgin.

And an 18-year-old boy

would hardly be a virgin, now, would he?

Just hypothetically, what if he was a virgin?

Then I think he has a lot bigger problems

to worry about than female vampires.

If he got bitten, how would you know?

You would then just look for a bite

on the inside of the thigh...

like this one, piercing the artery.

Apparently, attacks so close

to the source of...

In the case of a virgin,

untapped sexual potency...

is what the woman vampire needs

to retain her youth and beauty.

I have over here, somewhere,

a book of plates showing color...

Hello?

Goodness gracious.

Wait up! I have to talk to you about Mark.

- What's going on?

- Mark's been acting strange lately.

- Don't we all?

- But I did some research...

and what I found out is that Mark

may have contracted some sort of disease.

- Like a venereal disease?

- Sort of.

But I need you guys to find out for sure.

What do you want us to do?

I need you to check his inner thigh

for two little sores.

Sores?

- I don't know.

- Yeah.

I thought Mark meant something to you.

If you're really his friends, you'll do this.

All right, we still on for tomorrow night?

I need soap.

The water is too cold!

I need hot water over here.

Now, Jamie, look!

What the hell are you guys doing?

Fags in the shower!

Fag alert!

Great!

This is terrible.

I can't believe this happened.

It's the most humiliating experience

of my life.

This is awful.

This is the suckiest thing

that could ever happen.

The whole school thinks we're gay.

Don't be such a twerp.

Our past histories speak for themselves.

- No one's gonna think we're gay.

- I don't have a past history.

And neither do you. This is it.

We might as well move in together

and get his-and-his towels.

Who cares what those a**holes think?

What were they doing in the showers

in the first place?

They were washing.

We were enacting a prison rape scene.

What was that scene in the shower

all about?

That's the thanks I get

for trying to help out a friend?

You're a big help. Thanks a lot.

Did it ever occur to you guys

that maybe you could have asked me?

- Oh, my God!

- She told us to look!

- I knew it. We enjoyed it.

- Jamie, would you shut up?

No, that's it. We're homos.

We're rump rangers.

No!

What the hell?

Why don't you shoot off a cannon? Jesus.

Be careful.

- My stomach is starting to gurgle.

- Will you shut up?

God! Come on!

I got to go to the bathroom.

- Tough sh*t.

- Tie it off, man.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Goddamn it, will you forget

your function for five minutes?

I can't! This always happens to me

when I'm scared.

Wait.

Help!

Are you okay?

Why did you go with that creep?

"I needed you." That's all he said?

I got to go.

The sooner we get her loose,

the sooner you're gonna.

Work on her feet. Come on!

Sorry.

Mark, you're still a virgin.

She never made love to you.

She just took your blood from...You know.

Can't I have any privacy?

- I hate this whole thing.

- Come on.

Quiet, please.

Gentlemen and ladies...

welcome to this most auspicious occasion.

And now for the unveiling.

Okay. That's not funny now.

Guys, I mean...

All right. Now I'm angry.

Great.

Dearest Mark...

twice, we have shared a mystical experience.

Tonight, the holy third!

Hear, hear.

Please don't bite the buttons off this jacket.

It belongs to my father.

Besides, you might chip a tooth.

They'll hardly bother these.

I don't want to be a vampire.

I'm a day person.

Move away from him! Up against the wall!

Mark, it's me, Robin. Do you remember?

We've known each other forever and ever.

Mark!

I'm the owner of the pants you've been

trying to get into for the last four years.

- Robin?

- Yes.

How would you like your crotch set on fire?

Rough trade.

Stand back!

Put down the cross.

It only works in movies.

Besides, I'm an atheist.

Fire, on the other hand...

Back off!

Come on!

I can be yours, Mark...

forever...

showing you joys

you never dreamed possible...

in your most fevered adolescent slumber.

Mark doesn't want you,

because you're mean and evil.

He wants me,

because I'm nice and sweet and pure.

So f*** off!

After that virgin!

Come on!

- Run!

- Are you crazy? They'll kill you.

They want you, not us. We'll hold them off.

- We will?

- Go!

See you in school tomorrow.

- Hurry up!

- Can I put my pants on?

Holy sh*t.

All right, they're not here.

You come with us.

The rest of you go that way.

Hello.

Look what got left behind.

Could one of you please show me

where the bathroom is?

Don't let them get away!

- We'll go back this way.

- But...

Trust me, we've got them

right where we want them.

After them!

You bungling idiot!

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