Once Upon a Crime... Page #2

Thank you.

Madame Van Dougen? This

is Julian Peters again.

No, we just got held up...

because we had to have a

veterinarian examine him...

because we didn't have his papers.

A veterinarian, uh, to

ex... a doctor de puppy.

Right, so we can cross the border.

No, he's in perfect health, he really is.

Of course he's here. No, he's at a cafe.

You want to talk to him? All right, sure.

Hang on. Nice life.

You hear that? He lit up at

the sound of your voice.

Listen, we missed the last

train, so we have to take a bus.

A busso. Bustee. Bussee. The bus, right.

So we'll be there in a while, about 1:00.

We can come over, but isn't

that a little late for...

Madame Van Dougen? Are you sick?

Is she having sex now?

Are you OK?

Can you just talk a little slower?

I'm having trouble understanding.

Madame Van Dougen? Hello?

Neil, you're missing this!

It's so beautiful!

- It's so romantic...

- Romantic, right.

Look, honey, you're going to take forever.

Why don't you just meet me in the casino?

I'll only be a couple of minutes.

Marilyn, don't torture me.

You make me sit here...

while you figure out

what you're gonna wear!

Come on, I'm itching to hit the tables!

Neil, is that our trip money?

I'm not leaving $5,000

in cash in a hotel room.

We're in Europe. These

people rob you blind.

Neil, promise me you won't

gamble with our trip money.

- I promise, I promise!

- OK!

Like I'm going to blow $5,000 gambling.

Like I'm some kind of idiot or something.

I'm thinking about wearing

the Versace sample...

the black one with the sequins?

Dream on, Mare. Maybe 5 years ago, huh?

- Don't forget to hide...

- The garment bag under the bed.

And don't let the hangers stick

out this time, all right?

And listen, don't order more

of that bottled water...

at 14 bucks a pop. You can

drink out of the tap.

Have I since the day you met

me ever done anything right?

Of course, doll. You married me.

Thank you, Neil. You're always

so supportive, so giving.

Baby... wish me luck.

Merci.

700,000, please.

Monsieur.

Thank you.

- 50 francs.

- 50?

I'll have to get the smaller markers.

They use them in the children's casino.

- Just give me the markers.

- 50.

Wait, you made a mistake. I said 5,000.

- Francs?

- Dollars. U.S. Dollars.

The guy thought I said 50 francs.

- Are you finish?

- No. Are you Swedish?

Am I finished? I've just begun!

Am I finished? No way, big boy!

- Cigarette?

- No, thanks, I don't smoke.

It is a weakness, I know.

For me, one of many...

I'm afraid, not the least of

which is a beautiful woman...

- such as yourself.

- Thank you. I'm married.

Interesting... the married woman.

One of life's misunderstood creatures...

to whom no man is truly worthy.

Peron de la Pena at your service, madame.

I think I'd better find my husband.

You may call me Alfonso.

The ugly American is betting on red!

Red, baby! Red, baby! Red, red, red.

Rouge.

Yes! I love it, I love it, I love it.

Bring it over here. Come on. Hey, I won it!

I just want to make sure

because I'm American.

I know you hate Americans,

but just remember...

if it wasn't for us, you'd be

speaking German right now!

So gimme my chips! Martini?

- Yes! Martini, yes.

- That's 100 bucks, buddy.

That's a damn good tip for a martini, huh?

All right, we're cooking now.

Thank you, sir. This is for you, my dear.

Get a t-shirt for those, will you?

Let's see, what's in my system?

Hey! Keep your face out of my system.

This cost me a fortune. Oh, boy, Marilyn...

- This is working like a charm.

- Hello, Neil.

Voulez-vous miser, monsieur?

Yes, I'm betting on black.

American on black.

Well, what do you think?

It's not you, honey. It's

not you, that's all.

But that's what I like about it.

Honey, you're hanging

out all over the place!

You're going to catch something.

- What?

- Rouge.

Rouge? Rats! Honey, I

knew you'd do that to me.

Don't hang around, OK? You're jinxing me.

The look is jinxing me.

That thing's jinxing me.

Go, go. Will you go? Go play the slots.

Get a drink or something. Have fun.

This is Monte Carlo! Come

on, it's a gambling place.

Change your clothes! Put a t-shirt on!

Do you see the way she was hanging out...

all over the place? Black, black, black!

The married woman. One of life's

misunderstood creatures...

to whom no man is truly worthy.

- Do you like to gamble?

- Yes.

Do you have cash?

II ne va plus.

Dix-Sept. Nair. Un tellement.

It's merely a game of chance.

One gambles for the sake of gambling.

- You pick a number.

- Me?

- You.

- I don't know, I never did.

- Of course, I'll lose anyway.

- Really?

- You can do me no harm.

- You sure?

- Really, I'm sure.

- OK. 13.

- 13?

- It's no good?

Oh, no. 13 is fine! Lucky 13.

- You are American.

- Yes. New Jersey.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- It's really not that bad.

No, I mean I am sorry I

have not introduced myself.

I am Hercules Popodopoulos. From Athens.

Marilyn Schwary. From Newark.

- Treize. Noir.

- Fantastic! We win!

I won!

2,000 francs?

I'm sorry. Is the amount not adequate?

What, are you planning on bringing friends?

Listen, maybe this is what

hookers look like in Greece...

but I'm no hooker, I'm a housewife.

We do it for free!

But, madame. Cherie, please.

This is your share of the winnings.

It is customary. I win... you benefit.

Look, you must risk this marker

on a turn of the wheel. Please?

Please.

Monsieur, faites un jeux.

13. 43?

Rien ne va plus. Treize. Noir.

Extraordinary! Again! I don't believe it!

Nothing like this has ever happened to me!

- You now have 70,000 francs.

- In dollars.

That is 14,000 American dollars.

$14,000?

- Monsieur, faites vos jeux.

- Madame, the table waits.

And if I bet it all on

13 again, I'll have...

- Half a million dollars.

- Half a million dollars!

Or nothing.

Monsieur, faites vos jeux.

I can't.

At the gaming table, as in life...

risking all takes great courage.

I'm going to shoot the works on 13.

Madame, I admire your insouciance.

It's the dress. It shows everything.

I'm starving. If I had a

barbecue, I'd eat the dog.

Is that supposed to be funny?

Oh! You're listening! You know,

that's the first time...

she actually spoke to me

since we crossed the border?

OK, look... let's call a truce.

What do you say?

OK, how's this for an idea...

we get the reward money...

we come back here, I'll

buy us a lovely dinner...

a little champagne...

Look, don't waste my time.

There's absolutely no chance

I'd get involved with you.

It's beyond out of the question.

This is a business deal.

Let's stick to business.

Who said anything about getting involved?

Sweetheart, I got news for you.

I'm hot as a pistol, and

the last thing I need...

is to be seen with a woman

wearing tights from Chernobyl.

- Do you ever shut up?

- Oh, what a wit.

Rien ne va plus.

What do I have to do to get

a drink in this place?

Fart the French national anthem?

Black, baby. It's got to be black.

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