Once Upon a Crime... Page #4

- Killer?

Yes. I saw his a-feet. 2 of them.

No, not 2 killers. 2 feet.

I'm talking to an idiot.

No, he is. They're tracing the call!

- Ciao.

- God!

Well, excuse me. I panicked.

I'm talking to the police!

To me, every authority figure

is still my vice principal.

A letter would've been faster. God!

Will you relax? I've worked

in enough police films...

to know they can't trace a

phone call that quickly.

So they weren't French.

Oh, God. He's giving them a description.

That's you.

I wish.

- Un petit chien.

- The dog.

We're dead. Let's go.

I can't believe we lied to the police.

I feel like a fugitive.

It's like quicksand.

The more you struggle, the deeper you sink.

I'll tell you... if we keep

walking around with this dog...

we might as well wear t-shirts...

that say, "Hi! We're the killers."

You're right. I really hate to do this.

- Sorry. Take care of yourself.

- What did you do?

I got rid of the dog. Let's go.

You also got rid of our meal ticket.

I could've sold him to that

guy on the train. $6,000.

My birth control pills.

Never thought I'd actually say this...

but there is a time and a place...

- They're in my suitcase.

- So?

- My name's on the prescription.

- You got a problem.

- We have to go back.

- What, are you insane?

The police are probably

swarming the place by now.

If the police are still there, we'll leave.

What about the killer?

You think the killer's going

to hang around all night?

I don't know what his social life's like.

We have no choice. We have to go back.

Let me be honest with you.

It's been a very interesting 12 hours.

I think you're a good chick

down deep, very smart.

But I wouldn't go back...

if my birth control pills were there.

- Fine. I'll go myself.

- It's nothing personal.

I just know that prison guards

and me are not a good mix.

I got it. So nice meeting you.

Yeah, you, too. Good luck.

Oh, God.

She's going to leave me. I

know she's going to leave me.

Yeah, she's going to leave me.

She'll divorce me.

She won't take me, though...

because I got nothing for her to take!

She'll get remarried.

Some handsome guy with a car

and a car phone. Suits.

Take her out for the

anniversary of our divorce.

She'll get remarried...

and be happier than she ever was with me.

And what do I become? Me... Neil Schwary?

The flaky gambler... loser ex-husband.

Yeah, I'll wear that the rest of my life.

God, it's me... Neil Schwary.

I really need your help.

I know I'm not a church-going

man, but if you want...

I'll switch my golf games to Saturday.

No sweat.

Look, I know you don't perform

a lot of miracles anymore...

but, boy, what I wouldn't give

for a suitcase full of cash.

Thank you.

- Hello, Neil. How'd you do?

- Me?

I'd say I broke about even.

- What's that?

- This?

This, uh, is, uh...

well, at one point, the

casino ran out of money...

and they started giving out luggage.

Giving out luggage? What

are you talking about?

Luggage. Bags. Suitcases. I stole it, OK?

I didn't break even. I lost big.

I lost everything...

our trip money, our savings.

Oh, Marilyn, I'm so sorry.

Please find it in your heart to forgive me.

I'll make it up to you, I swear.

I'll do anything you ask.

I'll listen to you when you talk.

I'll look at your little drawings.

I'll take you to the mall...

and never point to my watch again.

Anything you want. Foreplay. Anything.

Just don't leave me. I

don't think I can take it.

Why, Neil, would you steal a suitcase?

Answer, please.

I don't know. I don't know, Marilyn.

I thought maybe there'd be something in it.

- Cash. Something we could sell.

- I have some money, Neil.

Marilyn, you don't understand! Money?

- Where'd you get money?

- I put it aside...

knowing in my heart what a fool you were...

knowing you were capable of

gambling away our trip money...

knowing you had the

self-destructive nature...

to lose our savings and

come crawling in here...

with some lamebrain

scheme to save your ass.

You knew that about me?

Marilyn. You're brilliant.

Don't ever let me tell you

you're anything less.

You mean, like, don't ever let

you call me pygmy brain again?

Oh, Marilyn, how do you put up with me?

You are an angel, sent from heaven.

My brilliant, darling wife.

How much money did you put aside?

If you could lend me

maybe just a portion...

I could go back to the casino.

Stupid idea! God, you're beautiful.

We have to return the suitcase, Neil.

Yes! I know.

You're taking this very well, Marilyn.

What is it? Marilyn, what is it?

Turn it off! Honey, you're

not going to scream, OK?

Don't scream, OK?

Shut up.

Shut up, Marilyn! Be quiet, please!

Oh! Oh, my...

What are you trying to do, kill me?

Nu, ma-am'.!

You want 2 dead women on your hands?

No, definitely not!

I can't breathe. I need a glass of water.

- Get me a glass of water!

- Water.

How dare you! What an idiot!

I guess you could say this

vacation's shot to hell!

- Oh, God.

- What's wrong with this glass?

We got to get out of here. Dead body parts!

Calm down!

Help me pack. We got to get out of here!

Right! We'll leave the body

here and get the hell out!

- We're taking it with us.

- Marilyn, don't be an idiot!

You steal a suitcase with

a dead woman inside...

and you call me an idiot?

We can't leave the body here.

We're registered in this hotel!

Right! Very smart! Good thinking!

From now on, Neil, I call the shots.

- Understand?

- Perfectly!

I don't want to hear what

you think we should do...

or why you think we should do it.

Shut up and take orders. Is that clear?

Completely!

- OK. So what do we do?

- We'll ditch the body...

hop a train, and blow this pop stand.

I like it! I like it a lot!

- Neil!

- I'll shut up.

Look, OK, look, I don't know why I'm here.

I don't know why I came back.

I'm confused, but let's just

get the damn suitcase and go.

OK.

No, no, no. You... you...

you better stay here...

- just in case.

- I'll be fine.

No, really, you stay here.

If anything should happen... God forbid...

- Run, OK?

- OK.

You know, feel free to

talk me out of this...

if you want.

Julian... thanks.

- Stop right there! Police!

- Don't shoot! I'm an actor!

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

What are you doing here?

- How did you get in?

- Through the gate.

- It was open?

- It's always open.

- You've been here before?

- No, I...

- What are you trying to steal?

- Steal? Nothing. I'm no thief.

I'm certainly no murderer.

Murder? Who said anything about murder?

- I don't know. Stephen King.

- Where's the body?

I don't know. I only saw her hand.

- Whose hand?

- Madame Van Dougen's.

How do you know it was Madame Van Dougen's?

I'm just guessing. It's a common name.

- Where's the body?

- What am I, a mortician?

- Where is the body?

- In the garage.

- What is this?

- What, this?

This is an ankle bracelet, actually.

I like to wear it over my pants...

or thrown kinda casually in the cuff...

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