One, Two, Many

---

orchestral

horse neighs, collapses

rock

Well, she's gone

And l won't be coming home

l heard that a broken heart

ls better left alone

After1,000 miles

Maybe l'll get by

There's just

one thing to say

lt's just a matteroftime

lt's just a matteroftime

lt's just a matteroftime

Yeah

lt's just a matteroftime

lt's just a matteroftime

Yeah, yes, it is

lt's just a matteroftime

lt's just a matteroftime

Yeah, yes, it is

cries

You know, they say

with every life experience,

there's a lesson to be learned,

and, man, did l learn mine.

See, that was me,

fantasizing about

every woman l saw.

See, l was what yo

might call a horn dog,

a playboy, a gigolo.

l'm what you ladies

might call, well...

a scumbag.

See, l wasn't a bad guy,

it's just that every

girl l saw,

ljust-- ljust had to

get into bed with.

panting

Oh, yeah.

screams

Unh!

Uhh!

Excuse me.

Well, almost

every girl l saw.

Uhh!

Anyway, l always

wanted to get married,

be a dad, have kids,

but how could l do both?

l mean, how could l

keep on being with women,

and start a family?

Than l had this

brilliant idea.

bell dings

l need to find a girl

that wold be willing

to bring otherwomen

into bed with me.

Well, what

happened to Kelly?

l broke up with her.

Well, she

broke up with me.

Actually, she hitme

overthe head

with a nine iron ,

then broke up with me.

Unh!

She hit yo overthe head

with a nine iron ?

Actually, it was

a fouriron,

but who's counting?

Unh!

Why?

Because l was

cheating on her.

Oh.

See, l had this

wandering penis problem.

lt's like a vagining rod.

All right, and she was

upset with you, right, Tom?

sobbing

No, l don't think so.

Mm-hmm.

See, every time

l see a new girl,

l gotta get her--

Acceptance.

Acceptance?

You can't say no, Thomas.

You cheat because

you wantthe constant love

and approval from others

because you nevergotthose

things from yorfamily.

Yoursiblings ridiculed you,

yourdad beatyou,

humiliated yo ,

and neveraccepted you.

Well, not exactly.

Doc, how can my penis

have anything to do

with the family?

Then, when you get

these women to love you,

you wantto get rid ofthem.

Why would l do that?

You question their credibility

if they could love

a loserlike yourself.

l do?

Yeah. Yorfamily

considered you

a loser, Thomas.

And that's why you

seek the constant love

and affection from others.

To prove them wrong.

Doc, couldn't it

just be that l'm horny?

Doubtful, Thomas.

Look, yo push people

away who love you

because you feel

unworthy oflove,

happiness, self-respect.

And we're seeing

these same things happen

in yor relationships.

You try and

create obstacles

that'll keep yo from

having a happy relationship.

For instance,

rememberJasmine?

Yeah.

Well, yo dumped her.

She had hygiene problems.

Hervagina was shaved

like the Hitler mustache.

Every time l went down on her,

l thought of the Third Reich.

What abot Charlene?

She had nine fingers.

Well, Debra.

Please.

Look, at least

when l take a dump,

and there's people nearby,

l have the courtesy

to flush to

drown outthe noise.

farting

Thomas, don'tyou see,

you create these problems.

What do you mean?

Well, this one...farts,

this one has nine fingers,

and this one has

a funny-looking...

hoo -haha.

lt's not that.

ljust need to find a woman

that'll allow otherwomen

into bed with us.

That, Derek, is my idea

of the perfect woman.

Well, cold be hard

to find a woman

that accommodating.

Perhaps we should call her

the hard to find woman.

laughs

Sorry, Thomas,

it's, uh...

Time's up.

chuckling

l'm telling yo , man,

l'm gonna find her.

Good.

l mean, there's gotta

be a girl like that

out there somewhere.

Right, right.

We'll see you nextweek.

All right, man.

See ya, doc.

Right.

What do you

think of monogamy?

Well, my father used

to have a coffee table

that was made out of that.

No, no, no.

Monogamy. Not mahogany.

Oh, oh .

lt's absolutely horrible.

lt's so disgusting.

You mean you've neverbeen

in a serious relationship?

Well, yeah, of corse.

l love my boyfriend.

Wait a minute,

if you love yor boyfriend,

why don't yo like monogamy?

Look, pay me

forthe dance.

So, why are yo here?

See, l figured

if l fond a woman

who's already into

being with women,

well, then,

l'm halfway there.

Listen, a**hole,

the sight of a penis

makes me gag.

What?

Yes, that's right.

Single white male...

...seeks bisexual woman...

Justthink, l could be

having sex with you

while the girl's

having sex with you, too.

laughs

You're kidding, right?

stammers

...who seeks

relationship with man...

l think we're a part

of the earth, yo know?

We're born in the earth,

and we die in the earth.

l love everybody.

No, l love everything.

They're all so

beautiful to me.

Everything excites me.

l-- Do yo

look at people?

Look at everyone.

Look at everyone.

All people excite me.

Oh!

...but allows man

to have sex with

otherwomen with woman.

Hey, do you want to see

my impression

of a monkey?

Sure.

whimpers, screeches

like chimp

Likes tennis...

l have a hard time

getting it up after

doing that crap.

Really? l dated

a guy like that once.

lt was so funny.

He was a real whacko

He used to punch

himself in the head

because he got

so mad at himself.

l've had some

wacky boyfriends.

My last boyfriend

drank all the milk

from my tits in

the middle ofthe night.

My newborn was starving

the nextmorning.

l was forgiving though.

My fathertold me

l'm a very forgiving person.

ln fact, right before

he died, he told me

dialogue speeds up

l was his favorite child,

which really

pissed my sisteroff.

She fond out

because l was telling

Well.

my motherand she was

in the otherroom.

The walls were paperthin.

Speaking ofpaper, did you

read The Post this morning?

l did. lt had

an article abot

That's funny--

a guy who made love

to his dog.

Speaking ofwhich, my dog

passed away when l was seven.

Oh, really?

l cried so hard.

l think itaffected me

later in life.

Nowl can't deal

with loss,

which is why l won't

go to Atlantic City.

See, part of me likes to gamble,

but anotherpart of me doesn't.

Which part of you

shuts the f*** up?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Woldn't it be great

if we were with another

girl right now?

Yeah, you would love it,

wouldn't yo , dirty girl?

Come on , let me in!

l was kidding!

l was just kidding!

Okay, great!

Okay, great!

Gerald is bigger.

No wonderyou need a walker.

Let me in!

Let me in!

Ernie, l think l found

my mission in life.

So what's your

big mission,

to rob a bank?

No, l think l figured ot

howto make this

relationship thing work.

Relationship thing?

Dude, howmany times

l have to tell you,

bang prostitutes.

Fora fewhundred

bucks a night,

you'll save

thousands on alimony.

Yeah, and blow it

on STD medications?

Nah. Dude, what l need to do

is find a girlfriend

that wold allow

otherwomen into bed with me.

You gota better chance

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