One, Two, Many Page #2

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of robbing a bank.

l'm gonna get

something to eat.

Again.

Yeah, l'm fat.

Want some peanuts,

stuttermonkey?

Here ya go

My...mom says you...

guys are j-just jealos.

That jealosy line

neverworks.

l know.

Yeah, stutter-face,

we're alljealous.

We all wantto be

stuttering idiots.

Hey, kid, come here.

Who are you?

Who am l?

You gonna tell him,

Joey, orshould l?

l'm a warlock.

A male witch.

And if you ever

pick on Joey again,

next time yo 're

trying to go to sleep,

l'll be in yourroom,

watching you.

ln the corner,

in the closet,

underthe bed.

And that night,

when you finally

do getto sleep,

you'll have the worst

nightmare of yourlife.

You might

not even wake up.

Come on , we don't

believe in warlocks.

Oh, yo don't believe

in warlocks? Do you?

No.

No? Well, watch this.

You see

that guy overthere?

Unh!

coughing

choking

coughs

Now get ot ofhere

before l turn you

into a bunch of frogs.

What's up, Joey?

Hey, thanks, but now

my only friends are gone.

Friends?

Joey, those kids

ain't yorfriends, man.

Let me tell yo something.

You'll be lucky

in yorwhole life

to have three

great friends.

And that's

in yorwhole life.

l only got one.

Moms don't count, Ern.

No, l'm serious, Joey.

l mean, you need

to find kids

that share yor

interests, you know?

Kids that you have

something in common with.

That's where you'll

find a real friend.

Thanks, Dr. F***in' Phil.

bedsprings squeaking, moaning

Ah, come on, guys.

Jeez, l'm trying

to sleep here.

Man

Move to the right.

moaning

Even l can't

last that long!

telephone rings

Hang on,

l'll be right there.

rings

Don't hang up.

Hello?

Thomas.

Hey, Johnny, what's up?

Hey, dude, l got

some sh*t going on.

Yeah.

Fill in forme today.

Sh*t. Again?

Come on , Johnny.

lt's Saturday.

l know, l know.

Why can'tyou do it?

l gota commercial.

You gota commercial?

Yeah, national.

National?

Guinness.

Guinness?

Oh, yo lucky bastard.

So then

why are you crying?

My girljust left my, bro.

You're crying because

yourgirl left yo ?

Are yo kidding me?

No, dude.

l'd trade a chick

fora national commercial

any day of the week.

Come on , there's

a million other

chicks out there.

l don't think

l can live without her.

Oh, give me a break.

Jesus Christ, Ken!

What are you doing?

Sorry, l need movie time.

Haven't yo ever

heard ofMoviefone?

Oh, God!

Oh!

What was that?

Nothing. Ken's on

a sexual rampage again.

l should go gay.

l'd get more ass that way.

Come on , bro.

All right, l'll do it,

but yo owe me.

funny voice

Hey, kids, how ya doin'?

Come on over.

kids

Yay!

How's everybody doin'?

kids

Good!

What's the difference

between snotand spinach?

kids

What?

Kids won't eat spinach.

kids laugh

Hey, you guys

wanna see a trick?

kids

Yeah!

Well, l'm gonna

need an assistant.

Who should

l get over here?

Howabot the birthday

girl Shelby?

Shelby, l'm gonna

pick yo to volunteer.

Well, how can she

be a volunteer if

you're picking her?

Who are you, Judge Judy?

What am l supposed to do?

Why don'tyou come over

here and hold this hat?

Hey, get over here,

you varmints!

Shelby, give him

his nose back.

Get over here!

l'm gonna get ya!

Get over here!

You knowwhat,

you keep that one!

l'll take his!

Besides, his is

funnier looking.

Get over here!

Give me that nose!

kids shouting

Give me that face!

l only smoke when l drink

l only drink when l breathe

They're some great kids, man.

Thanks.

l always wanted

to be a dad some day.

burps

ls it hard?

No, man, being

a good dad's easy.

lt's being

that good husband thing

that gets a little tricky.

l know, right?

lt's hard being

faithful, isn't it?

Well--

telephone rings

Nah, you know what?

lf you're really in love,

you find the right girl,

then afterthat,

you don 't even pay

attention to otherwomen.

Oh, my God, you're

such a big guy.

Oh, Seamus!

Woman

Seamus, pick up the phone!

Hold on. Hello?

Yeah, Edgar.

Are yo kidding me, Edgar?

You're f***ing leaving me

fora cruise ship?

Look, l knowthatyou've

done me a ton offavors--

Motherfuckerjust

put me on hold.

What an a**hole.

F***.

Yeah, Edgar.

Look, l'm sorry,

but there's no way

l'd keep it available

foryo till yo get back.

Fine. Think Titanic. Bye.

God damn.

F***er.

You know, my wife tells

me you're a good actor.

Hey, thanks, man.

Great with the kids.

You know, l'm a producerfor

Vito and Valerie's wedding.

Really? Get ot ofhere.

l'm a big

fan ofthat show.

A big fan.

Yeah, right. Anyway...

What would you think about,

just fora little while, now,

taking overthe part

ofDanny, the best man?

l would love to

Doesn't mean

you're not gonna pay me

forthe party, does it?

No, man, l'll still pay.

Butyou gotta know,

Vito and Valerie's

is one weird place to be.

What cold be

weirderthan this?

Vito, you can

forget about it

because l'm not

marrying you.

Butwe're already married.

Well, nowwe're

officially unmarried.

Nowwhatwe'd like you

to do is talk to

some ofthe actors

who are going to be main

characters in the show.

Jillian plays Valerie.

Paul plays Vito.

Edgar, who you are

replacing as Danny,

and his showgirl

friend Natalie,

played by Danielle. okay?

Okay. Great.

Look, it's all about reality.

Acting is about reality.

Yeah, l know, l'm an actor.

l don't know

what you heard before,

but acting is about reality.

Yeah, dude, l know,

l'm an actor.

l took acting lessons

foryears.

You gotta be real.

You have to be real,

do you understand?

The moments,

they need to be real.

You'll be great.

That's what acting is.

lt's based in...

Reality.

lt's about reality, isn't it?

Okay, Valerie is

the star ofthe show .

Danny is not the star

of the show, okay?

Danny's the best man.

Now, Valerie and Danny,

they don't get along.

Danny does bestwhen he

stays out ofValerie's way.

Okay.

Danny deals drugs,

sells stolen carstereos,

but best of all,

Danny gets to f*** around.

What do you mean?

Well, yo know, gets to

flirt with the audience,

talk about his

sexual escapades.

ln fact, Danny tells 'em

one time he banged

this blond bimbo

on the pooltable

at Mr. Angelino's club.

Wow .

Yeah, shoved a pool cue

straight up herass.

Think...pig.

The sell is good.

Danny and Natalie

have the best relationship.

The most important

thing to remember

is that we are really in love.

We believe that

we have one ofthe best

and most wonderful

relationships in the show.

l'm a little confused.

Edgartold me

that Danny

gets to fool

around all the time.

What?

Yeah, in fact, he told me

he banged a girl on the pool

table at Mr. Angelino's club.

Are yo kidding me?

No.

That...motherf***er's

cheating on me?

Look, l don 't know

what he told you,

but Danny is a faithful guy

in a happy relationship.

l won't even tell you what

he did with the pool cue.

l don't get it, Ern.

There's, like,

nobody attractive

in the whole

frickin' play.

You would think

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