One, Two, Many Page #3

---

with at least 20

some-odd cast members,

there'd be at least

one that's my type.

You mean to tell me

not one guy was yourtype?

Very funny.

What do you care, anyway?

You gota legitimate

actingjob

instead of playing a clown

forsome dopey kids.

Yeah, l know.

ljust had the feeling

l'd meet at least

one decent chick

in the whole play.

l gotta get in shape.

What do you think

l should give up first,

drinking orsmoking?

Howabot eating?

So why do you

come to the gym anyway?

Forthe chicks.

Everybody knows

the hottest chicks

hang out at the gym.

That's how they stay hot.

Hey, chicks.

See me training

forthe Olympics?

Really? So soon.

l thought the Special olympics

didn't starttill June.

Nowwe have the wedding

These two loving hearts

They love one another

l'll break--

Nope.

And nowwe have--

Damn. Ow!

God .

Hi.

Hi.

l hearyou wentto NYU.

Uh, yeah.

So did l.

Oh, yeah. Great.

Okay. well...

Nice meeting you.

Thomas

Yeah, great.

Oh, damn.

What an a**hole.

Who does he think

he is, De Niro?

Everything looks fabulous.

Butwhere are the balloons?

Jimmy, where

are the balloons?

Look, Rocco, it's

a long story, okay?

Jimmy, where

are the balloons?

Look, yesterday

l went overto Rocco's,

and...l'll go

check the rectory.

You check yourrectum.

God , where are the balloons?

Don't worry about it, Rocco.

lt'll be fine.

lt's just balloons, all right?

Look at Mrs. G.

She said she lost 30 ponds

forthe wedding.

lt's like throwing a deck chair

offthe Queen Mary.

laughter

She's like Barney.

l love you,

l love food

laughter

Oh, my God.

lt is so nice

to finally meetyou.

You look just like

that, um, actress

from The Poseidon

Adventure.

Oh, my God,

what's hername?

Um, uh...

gasps

Oh, yeah.

Ernest Borgnine.

You don't say.

That's a really

beautiful hat

you're wearing.

Well, l never.

Hey, Eddie Gaga.

Howyo doin'?

When'd you get out?

How's the family?

You gotmy money?

We celebrate the wedding

OfVito and Valerie

Yi yi yi yi yi yi yah

Cmo ests?

Brooklyn in the hose! Hey!

Dear brothers and sisters,

we gatherhere today

to celebrate the love

of Vito and Valerie.

speakingforeign language

And let's make it quick

because l got a funeral at 9.

Please kiss the bride.

So, how' d you feel

about doing the show?

l was a little nervous, man.

Okay, l guess.

You had a better

first day than Edgar.

l think he pissed himself.

Paul, l gotta ask you

a question.

How come there's no

hot chicks in this show?

l mean, who cast it?

Rocco?

laughs

Aw, there's a cople.

Not Gillian.

Danielle is a whacko

What abot Jennifer?

Jennifer.

Who's Jennifer?

The girl that

plays Marilyn.

You mean the ditz?

Oh, come on .

She's notthat pretty.

l don't know , man.

Jennifer is one of

the hottest girls

in the show .

No, that's the chick

that plays Marilyn, man.

She's way too

trashy looking.

Okay, yeah.

The trashy ditz

not so pretty,

that's nice.

l'm out of here.

Yeah, all right.

Wait, it's you.

You're Marilyn?

Oh, my God,

you were great.

No, l'm Jennifer,

the girl who plays Marilyn.

Also the girl who tried

to talk to you earlier.

You kind of blew heroff.

Nowl knowwhy.

Why?

'Cause yo 're a jerk.

Take care, Paul.

Later, Jennifer.

Yeah.

Hey, wait.

sputters

That was beautiful.

sighs

Hi.

Hey, howare you?

Fine. How are you?

Good.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Stop, stop , stop, stop , stop!

Please, please.

That was you.

You know, the guitar,

the string, the eye.

And then you were

in character,

you have

a ditzy accent...

Yeah, l was acting.

And you were great.

Big fan. Big fan.

Don't kiss up.

Look, l'm sorry.

Whatever.

We are getting off

to a bad start here.

Cold we start again,

please?

Can we start again,

please?

Yeah.

Cold we start again,

please?

Looks like yo 've made

yourpoint now

Hey, l'm leaving.

Oh, no, no, no

l'm just kidding.

l promise,

no more singing.

Butwhere are yo

going tonight

My little angel?

laughs

Okay. You're a whacko

l'm an idiot ,

actually, but...

A little bit.

He's the idiot.

This guy's an a**hole.

l'm a good guy.

So where are you going?

Uh, oh, God.

Afew of us from the cast

are going to try and get in

a scar party at Tattoo.

Tattoo ?

Are yo kidding me?

l knowthe boncerthere.

l can get us on the list.

No, don't try

and be nice now.

l am nice.

Just gotta

get to know me.

l grow on people.

Like a fungus.

scoffs

dance

Thanks forgetting us

in the club.

No problem.

So, am l forgiven orwhat?

Ohhh...almost.

Well, how can l complete

youract offorgiveness?

Wow , this dance is,

you know , not hurting,

but, uh,

how about a drink?

What do you want?

Whiskey, baby.

You got it.

laughs

Can l get a whiskey,

please?

Trying to get

this girl to like me.

Want a tip?

Sure.

Stop dancing.

Very funny.

Excuse me, sir.

Excuse me.

Sir?

Excuse me--

Man, get away from me.

Sir, if you don't mind,

l'd like to cut in here.

l mind.

Nowback off ofme

before l kick yourass.

Oh, l see.

Big mouth

to overcompensate

my tiny little penis.

Excuse me, a**hole--

l mean, sir--

but l am with her.

And if you don't take

yourstinkin' hands off her,

l'm gonna kick yorass

all overthe dance floor.

Oh, willyou?

Yes. l think.

B-b-b-b-b-b...

So, am l forgiven?

laughs

Yes.

Thank you.

So do yo have

a boyfriend?

Oh, not really.

Not really?

We're kind of

on the outs right now.

Oh. How come?

Uh...he treats me

like a sex object,

he, yo know, neverlistens

to anything l say,

he doesn't care about

what l do or howl feel.

l don't think he's heard a word

l said in the last two years.

And you?

What?

laughs

l'm kidding.

l'm so kidding.

laughs

Ohhh.

No. ljust ended

my relationship

with my last girlfriend.

l'm sorry.

Oh, no, no, no

l cheated on her.

Man, l meetall the winners.

That's horrible.

Yeah, l know,

but she was never

rightforme anyway.

Uh-huh.

French fries

and brown gravy.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So, yo were saying?

Well...nevermind.

No, come on, say it.

ljust don't think

l could be happy

in a monogamous

relationship.

l mean, l'll never

cheat oranything.

l felt horrible

after doing that.

l'll-- l'll never

do it again.

So what are yo saying?

Are yo sure you won't

think l'm a schmuck

forsaying this?

l betl will think

you're a schmuck,

but yo should

go ahead and say it.

Well, in one second

you might be needing this.

See, in a perfect world,

l would like girlfriend to be

with otherwomen with me.

There, l said it.

l don't think

that's that weird.

You don't?

No.

Lots of girls have been

with otherwomen,

orat least, yo know,

thought about it.

That's totally something

l would do if l were

in love with a guy.

You would?

Yeah. l mean...

Wold yo let the woman

be with othermen in this?

No way!

Absolutely not!

Oh, God, first of all,

l'm way too insecure,

and the thought of touching

another man's naked, hairy ass

would make me puke.

And there's nothing

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes