One for the Money Page #5

It's gonna be awesome.

This sucks.

- Hello?

- Hello, dolly. How long till you're here?

I can't come, Gram. I'm busy.

She says she's busy.

- Put her on the box.

- No.

Gram, don't put me on speaker.

Everybody yells when you...

put me on speaker.

I'm making a nice big pot

of stuffed cabbages.

You should come home for dinner.

Work, Ma.

You're still chasing after Morelli?

This time, I'm waiting

for him to come to me.

She's gonna be waiting a long time.

I'm still on the phone, Gram.

I can hear you.

Of course.

He sends his cousin.

This is disgusting.

Stupid, useless...

I want my car and I want it now.

God damn it, Morelli!

Your car?

God, I thought you were Ramirez.

I thought you were here to kill me. Jesus!

I want the keys, the master fuse,

all of it. Now.

God.

Go to hell.

I'm kind of already there.

Quit looking at my tits.

Oh, come on!

- Ow!

- Actually, I was looking at your hands.

I'm going to lose my towel.

I wish I could stick around.

I'll be honest,

and trust me, I'm not proud of this,

but I fantasized about being handcuffed

and naked in front of Joe Morelli once.

Okay, maybe twice.

You don't have a car

because you have too many damned shoes!

Three words, "Grand theft auto."

Yeah? Like I said,

why don't you call the police, huh?

You know what I don't get?

How does a person eat like you eat,

and look like you look?

You know what I don't get? Why you

just can't come right out and say it.

"You look great, Steph."

"Gee, thanks, Joe."

Cheese balls? Are you kidding me?

No keys in here.

You haven't seen a master fuse around,

have you?

Hey, why are you messing

with my Tastykakes?

Why did you take my vehicle?

To draw you out. Obviously, it worked.

You're naked and shivering in a tub.

You're not capable of drawing me out, Plum.

So just remember that.

You know what?

Keep the wheels. I don't give a sh*t.

No, Joe. No!

But I am taking the towel.

No, that's cruel. You can have it back.

- Damn it, Joe!

- Sorry.

- I'll just leave it there for you.

- Great, thanks.

- You look great, by the way!

- Gee, thanks, Joe.

Crap.

If I call my mother,

she'll just send my father,

and, well, that would be awkward.

Come on, now.

Come on.

There's only one person I know

who would have a handcuff key

and could be here in 10 minutes.

Sorry, fellas.

Are you in danger?

Sort of. Not exactly.

I'm busy.

I'm naked.

I'll be right there.

- How'd he get in?

- Picked the lock.

- How'd you get in?

- Picked the lock.

Really? I'm that easy?

Vulnerable's more like it.

Look, get yourself a couple of dead bolts.

Lock that sh*t up.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

So that's two guys in one night

that have seen me naked and walked away.

Should I be worried?

- Eddie, thanks for coming.

- Make it quick. I only got a sec.

- Yeah.

- What the hell's that?

- Hey, that's my...

- Yeah.

SOC. "Scene of the crime."

Someone's watching too much TV.

A lot of stuff going on right around Shaw.

This is where Carmen lives.

She's missing. She gets an X.

Ziggy's dead. He gets an X.

- And over here is Stark Street Gym.

- Jesus Christ.

- You teaching me how to be a cop?

- No.

'Cause I don't think being a cop

is all that hard.

You got more resources.

Being a bounty hunter, on the other hand,

another story.

Anyway, I'm noticing a pattern.

Well, you drag me over here...

You know what? I got work to do.

A lot of Xs piling up on Shaw.

- Just saying.

- Either way,

no one's talking to the cops down there.

Good thing I'm not a cop.

If Eddie wasn't gonna follow the Xs, I was.

And they lead right to Carmen's apartment.

The scene of the crime.

What? Think we're gonna steal your car?

It's not even mine. Knock yourself out.

Carmen, Morelli's missing informant.

Funny, no pictures of the boyfriend.

Maybe she didn't like Ramirez

that much after all.

What, do you think you own the place?

Stupid truck.

That's a pretty fancy truck

for this neighborhood.

Hey, buddy.

- He yours?

- My daughter's. I'm babysitting.

You shouldn't be in here, papito.

You, too. Me, neither.

None of us should be in here.

Can I ask you some questions

about the night Carmen disappeared?

I don't know anything.

Well, actually, I'm going after the cop

who shot the unarmed man.

I still don't know anything.

But I know someone who does.

Talk to her.

Mmm.

No.

She's going after the cop!

So, I'm rounding the corner.

I have a bottle of whiskey,

a bag of ice, half an ounce of Kush.

I'm all about the chill.

When bam!

Gun! And I'm like,

"Oh, sh*t!" And that's when I see

what's his face.

- Morelli?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. The cop, right?

Yeah, and he's standing there

with his gun and sh*t,

and I'm like "Boom!"

with my bottle of Jack.

Right on the cop's head! Right? And then...

That's when

the flat-nosed guy came up, right?

No, wait, wait. What do you mean?

What flat-nosed guy?

The flat-nosed guy.

Oh, my God, dude.

Dude flew by me

like a freaking snow leopard, right?

He couldn't wait to get out of there

when he heard the freaking sirens.

- That's when the cops came?

- Yeah.

One more question.

The guy with the bullet hole in his head,

gun or no gun?

- No gun.

- Okay, one more question.

- Okay, you already said that.

- I know.

Did you see

Carmen Sanchez at all that night?

- I mean, at all?

- No, nothing.

Okay.

- One more question.

- Okay, you gotta stop saying that, please.

I gotta know. The snake?

Cabo. Wasted.

I woke up and it was there.

What are you going to do?

It's harsh, I know.

Sorry. Just one second.

- Okay.

- What's up?

- What are you doing?

- Making ravioli in my high heels.

What are you doing?

Got an FTA for you.

Ready to have some fun?

- Tell her, "Yes!"

- You can hear that?

Ninja ears. Whoo!

Lonnie Dodd.

Expect a scene out of Cops.

Skinny, shirtless, track marks.

- Got it.

- I got a call into Ranger for backup.

I got this.

- I know, but just in case.

- Okay.

Hey! Hey! You talking to Steph?

She got any luck with Morelli?

What's happening with that?

Hey. Connie.

How come you never listen to me?

All you do is you do that.

Who are you?

- Stephanie Plum.

- Plum? Like Vincent Plum?

- Get out of here.

- What? No, hold on!

- Really?

- Truly.

In that case, come on in.

- My gun.

- My gun.

Crap!

Hey!

Come on, now, Lonnie. Nice and easy.

All right, you know the drill.

No mountains, no molehills.

You and me, we're gonna go inside,

grab your shirt. You're coming with me.

125 pounds of angry female

can do a lot of damage.

- Clothesline, b*tch!

- F***!

Yeah, I saw that on TV.

Okay. 130, tops.

Ranger, when did you get here?

About 30 seconds

before your hillbilly shot me.

- What?

- Yeah. Wait a second. Is that your gun?

I totally get now

why he's always wearing Kevlar.

Yeah.

Jesus. Here, cuff this guy.

I'm so, so sorry.

- That's okay.

- Not you!

Got it? Here.

Now, look, I already called 911.

There's a squad car on the way.

Yep. And I gotta bounce.

Got a date with a bad guy. Good luck, Plum.

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