Onion News Empire

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1

- Cameron is out in 30.Tom, give me 15 on the 20.

Get the "b" deck double-decked in cde125.

Ready the squab.

- Mr. musgrove?- Not now.

Dribble the crawler.Snaggle that popper.

I said snaggle, not winkle,goddamn it!

And swab it.

- Sorry, sir.She wants to see you.

- Contrary to previous reports,

the FBI says after spending years

posing as ordinary Americans,

the members of the terrorist sleeper cell

became too fat to carry out their attack.

- When the day of vengeance came,

we could no longer fit into our suicide vests.

Zihad tried to explode the bomb.

His fingers were too greasy to use the detonator.

He had just eaten a filet-o-fish.

- Yes, exclusive coverage when the mine collapses.

Tuesday is fine.

- Ed Musgrove for you,Ms. Zweibel.

And here's lunch for both of you.

- Good.It's small.

I like to keep him hungry.

- Are you upset we're showing unattractive people?

I know the policy.

- No, I'm upset

because the ratings report came in this morning.

Even CNN is gaining on us.

Look at these numbers.

Down.

Down.

Down.

Even our market share

down.

- But--

- ed, my father didn't build the Onion

into one of the world's most powerful

media, lumber, computer,

and fake Christmas tree manufacturing conglomerates

by accepting second best.

I won't, either.

- I'm sorry, Helena.

- Don't give me excuses.

I get enough of those from my handicapped son.

- Well, listen.

We did get you the missing girl story.

- She's chubby.

No one cares about a fat missing girl.

- Right.

Well, there's also the special on the secret sex life of Jesus.

- Okay, now go in closer on his abs.

Oh, ed!

And make sure you can see his cock bulge.

- We're projecting very good numbers

for America's most shocking shark shootings.

- You said the same thing

about the zero-gravity political debate room.

No one watched.

- We could finally air

the Al Roker sex tape weve been saving.

- Ed, get us a hit or I'll make you

our news director in Latvia.

You know what the number one hobby in Latvia is?

- Uh-uh.

- Sadness.

- I'll get it done, Helena.

Boy, it hurts that you didn't remember

it was the anniversary of our second wedding, though.

- Did you say something?

- I was talking quietly to myself about my feelings.

What do you want?

- I've got that copy for the story about the mall shooter

who was shot by a second mall shooter.

- Are you okay, boss?

- I've got numb liver,

recurring bat rabies,and only one lung,

so no, probably not.

- Ed Musgrove?

Sam West from Indiana.

- Oh, you're the new local reporter.

You broke that story about the boy scout troop

that fell down the well.

- That was you?

That story went national.

- Hi.

I mean, yes.

- Now you're gonna have to do a little better

than a couple dozen dead boy scouts

if you want to make it around here.

Jillian, show him to his desk.

- Fine, but--- thanks.

Kid, you be nice to Jillian.

Might be a romantic connection.

You never know.

But hey, you kids bear in mind

any children the two of you may have

are automatically the property of the baby news division.

- Can you walk and talk at the same time?

- Yes, I took a class.

- Come on, then.

- When we come back,

NRA members in Washington today called on congress

to give fetuses the right to carry assault weapons.

Stay with us.

- Back in five.

- Oh, that's David Bryant.

Cronkite and him are my biggest news idols.

I even did my thesis on his report

about the glory hole in the Berlin wall.

- Yeah. He's a pompous egomaniac.

He makes us keep a small man under his desk

to hand him scotch whenever he's off camera.

- This is room temperature.

- So you're a reporter?

- No. I'm just a segment producer.

I always wanted to be a reporter,

but I failed the facial symmetry test.

Only scored 97%.

I'm sure you could tell that my right eye

is 3/10 of a nano-milimeter lower than my left.

- Oh, it's not that bad.

My dad was a local reporter like me,

but he always wanted to be a national anchor.

One day, he was covering the unveiling

of the world's largest ball of twine.

A freak windstorm kicked up,

and the twine broke its moorings.

My dad was crushed to death under that giant twine ball.

But I worked hard,

and today, here I am,

so close to realizing his dream.

The moral is, beware of freak windstorms

and never give up.

- You know, the last guy that sat here

wanted to be an anchor too.

This is his resignation letter.

Staff meeting in five, kid.

- I've interviewed 14 presidents, the pope,

even Osama bin laden back when we liked him.

I was Bill Clintons personal guest at Camp David.

Over 22 people have taken the audio tour of my office.

And now you're telling me this pile of abs broke my streak?

- This award is for a little african boy named Balloo

with no legs

that I interviewed for this story.

So in honor of Balloo,

I will not use my legs for the rest of the night.

- Seven consecutive gimme awards.

That eighth should've been mine.

Order must be restored at this network.

- Let's cut to the chase.

You want dirt on Cameron Grey.

- I want to bring him to his knees

and pour wet hot dirt all over his face.

Now...

I know, technically,

you're Helena Zweibel's assistant.

But I've heard you also have certain ethical lapses

I might find useful.

- I do.

But if I help you,you are going to owe me a favor.

Anything I want whenever I ask.

- Anything?

Well, uh--well, what if you ask me to punch someone?

- You'd have to do it.

- What if you ask me to dress up as a woman of distinction?

- You'd have to do that too.

- What if you ask me to dress up as a woman of distinction,

take a young male lover--a professional dancer perhaps

or an olympic swimmer--

get married and be happy for the rest of my life?

Would I have to do that too?

- I guess so.

- Then I accept.

Go forth, my little Shiva,and destroy.

- All right!

Everybody, gather round! Everybody!

Gather round!

All right.

I'm gonna get righto the point.

In the past month, we have had exactly one story

that got above a six-point share,

and that is because it was a cable news trifecta.

It was sex, violence,and animals.

I'm referring, of course,

to the bear mauling at the porn star charity car wash.

Cameron brought us that story.

Well done, Cam.

- Three porn stars and a bear named Harvey

died that day.

They are the real heroes.

- I found that story.

- Back in my day,our porn star mauling stories

had more substance.

- Folks, we need a hit.

We need a story that is so enticing

that when even the most moronic,the most ape-like

of our loyal viewing public see it,

they put down their microwavable burrito,

they stop beating their illegitimate kid

for 2 1/2 minutes,

and they pay attention to the news.

Now get back to work and don't let me down

and don't let down our mindless viewers.

- I'm gonna get that story.

- Yeah.

Right.

- Sir, I have an important story to pitch you.

Inner city schools.

I pose as a streetwise student named Ramon.

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