Onion News Empire Page #2

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- Nope.

You're headed to South jersey to interview a man

who just turned 100 and still goes fishing every day.

- A fluff story? Sir, shouldn't I be focus--

- new reporters get the old people stories.

That's the system.

Now get going.- Yes, sir.

- Jillian!

I need somebody to watch the young lady we kidnapped.

- I'm really busy.

- You don't look busy.

- Can you alphabetize these,honey, and then throw them away?

- Can you do this for me? Thank you.

- Bill died.We need a grave dug.

- You need to learn to multitask.

You know what that means?

"Multi" means "many" and "task" means

"do what I tell you."

Courtney.

- Okay, come on, honey.

I'm very busy.

- Don't call me honey, dick bag.

- Excuse me, sir.

I'm looking for a very old fisherman, Kip ORourke?

- Oh, wow! That's me! I'm him!

I'm ORourke! I'm a man!

I'm a happy man!

I'm as happy as a snail all curled up in his tiny shell!

I feel like I'm sweating but I'm not!

- So tell me about--

- oh, there was one time i caught a 50-pounder

in the Gulf of Mexico back in '74.

You want to see an old mattress?

It's over there in the bushes.

I think a hobo lives there.Come on, I'll show you.

Is anyone else's heart racing?

- Bull's milk energy drink.

Blingo.

- Could little Courtney Carter have been kidnapped

by Muslim extremists

and forced to become a terrorist?

That's what some experts are saying on an Internet.

- Do you have a boyfriend?

I bet you don't.

- I need to work, Courtney.

- I bet you're so lonely.

I bet when you go on a roller coaster,

you don't even have anyone to go with.

- I don't need a boyfriend.I'm very busy.

- Busy sucking.

- Look, what do I have to do to get you to just be quiet?

- I'm like a Tsunami.

There's literally nothing you can do.

- Great.

- When we come back,the nation's poor

have pooled their money and started an oil company

in hopes of finally receiving support from the government.

We'll have all the details when we return.

- Vivian!

Can you come in here for a second?

Can you read this for me?

- Sure, honey.

It says, "microwave for three minutes on high,

then enjoy your steaming hot salad."

Here. Let me do it, baby-cakes.

- And in Ohio, a controversial new law

defines rape as anything Gary does to a woman.

- We're going live to new jersey in ten.

You ready, Sam?

- Yeah, yeah.Yup, yup, good to go.

10-4.I'm aces.

- Take a breath, kid.

- Could your teen be texting with the devil?

We'll have technology expert reverend Todd Graham on

to give us all the details.

But first, what would you do if you were 100 years old

and still not dead?

Sam West has the story.

- Thanks, Nikki.

What keeps a man of 100 from settling into retirement?

How about 60 million gallons of taurine

being pumped into his water supply?

A massive corporate scandal is unfolding here in New Jersey,

where a bull's milk plant

has been dumping thousands of gallons

of excess energy drink into the river.

- My husband just started dancing one day,

and now he can't stop.

- I feel good!

Oh, you got to love it!

- He says he feels good,

but it's clear that bull's milk

has been making this community feel very, very bad.

Sam West, Onion News Network.

- And though my father was dead,

I felt the urge to just kiss him on his lips.

So I did.I just--I just kissed him.

Yeah?

- Busy?

- Oh, I'm just talking to my listening intern.

Stop listening.

What did you find out?

- I think Cameron Grey is illiterate.

- That's why his teleprompter is just pictures.

- The car chase lasted for three hours

and ended in a fiery, exciting wreck.

- All right,we need hard evidence.

When you go after the top dog,better bring a big gun.

Trust me.

I know a lot about killing dogs.

- You want to be a reporter, right?

But you cant because of your eye.

- Shut up, Courtney.

Wait.

How do you know that?

- I found your diary in your desk.

Then I burnt it.

- How did you even...

What the hell is wrong with you?

- I blame society.

- Listen to me,you little b*tch,

I am going to be a reporter someday, but first,

I'm gonna beat you senseless

with a picture of an ugly man's family!

- Hey!- Whoa.

Having trouble here,francine?

- It's Jillian, Mr. Bryant.

- Oh, right, right.

Say, jory lin,why don't you let me

take this little scamp off your hands?

- Yes, please, thank you.

- Hello, little...Human.

- You smell like an old couch that got medicine spilled on it.

- Listen up,you fleshy little sack

of corn syrup and cheeto grease,

you might be able to push around spineless worms

like jo liran there,

but that's not gonna work on this worm.

I'm a worm with a big-ass spine.

I'm gonna ask you to do something,

and if you don't cooperate,the police are gonna dredge

your bloated body out of the river,

and we're gonna have three days of pundits speculating

as to the motives of your killer.

Do you got that, son?

I feel good!

- Hey, honey.

Your story's all over the place.

That was pretty ballsy.

- Oh, what can I say?I have huge, huge balls.

- West!

Get your buttermilk ass over here!

I've got some churning to do.

I told you to interview a very old man

and talk to him about being very, very old.

- But this is a huge story.

- Bull's milk is our biggest sponsor.

- Whoo-hoo!- Party!

- Haven't you ever seen the brooch

that Helena Zweibel wears all the time?

- But our job is to report the truth.

- This job hasn't got anything to do

with informing people,damn it!

This job is about making people think they're informed

while you're selling them mufflers and reverse mortgages.

- But the old days.Cronkite.

- Cronkite? Jesus, kid!

Cronkite only covered the Watergate scandal

to help sell burglar alarms to liberals.

- I didn't know.- Well, of course you didn't!

That's because youre so naive!

You didn't--

ah! Sh*t.

Oh, yeah.

Heart stopped.It happens.

Sorry.Where was I?

Oh, yeah.You're hired.

- Really?- No, I misspoke.

You're fired.Get out of here.

- Sam.

- My father would be rolling over in his grave,

except he can't,'cause that giant twine ball

just crushed him flat as a pancake.

- Hey.

- I guess you'd have to flip him over,

maybe with a spatula.

- Hey.

What ever happened to "never give up"

and freak windstorms?

- I was wrong.

I couldn't handle the big time.

I'll just go back to Indiana,

the worst state in America.

- Look, you made one mistake.

You know who else made one mistake?

My mother.

You know what came from that mistake?

You're looking at her.

Remember, the news isnt about facts.

It's about telling people what to think.

- But how?

- I already wrote you up some copy.

- Why are you helping me?

- Your first day is like riding a roller coaster,

and no one should have to ride a roller coaster alone.

- Watch out.That's a door.

There you go.

- Hello, friend.- Hello, you.

Sorry to interrupt whatever it is you're doing

in this bizarre woodland office, but...

This is Annie, my niece,

and she's a big fan of yours.

But she's--she's blind.

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