Onion News Empire Page #3

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- I totally can't see anything.

- Nothing.

- How tragic,

to be so young yet so blind.

- Yes, it's very sad.

Uh, but, you know,one of her fondest wishes

has always been for you to read to her

from her favorite book.

You would do that,wouldn't you?

- I would love that.

I-I love to read.

Oh, that's my phone.

Hello?

Yes, Hillary Clinton.

Sorry, David.I got to take this.

- It's not a phone.

- Oh.Right.

Stapler.

Yes, well, then.

I would love to read to you,

little blind girl.

Okay.

Once upon a time,

there was a dog

who had a hat on.

And he walked--no, he danced to the store.

- Okay, now, brick the sizzler and riddle the duck deck.

Okay, double deck "z"and Nikki,

get ready to throw to Sam west.

- Are you out of your mind?

I just fired him.

- He's got a good story.I promise.

- Jillian, if this goes bad,

I have to kill you.

I can't fire you.You know too much.

- I understand.

At just $4.99, many are calling

the McDonald's veal meal deal a real steal.

- Go to three.Swabber it.

All right, Sam, you ready?

- Ready.And Jillian?

Thanks.

- Don't thank me just yet.

Going to you in three,two, and swabber.

- Thanks, Nikki.

New information indicates

the bull's milk contamination I reported on earlier

may have actually benefited the community.

Individual productivity is up by 50%,

and the bull's milk is already reducing childhood obesity.

- I can't feel my face!

- And don't forget skateboarding, Sam.

- And scientists are telling us

that bull's milk-infused water

may actually make you an awesome skateboarder.

- And drink.

- Ahh. Tasty.

Sam News, Onion West Network.

- The military has...

- And we're out.

- Oh, my eyes are dancing.

I'm all right!

It feels good!

Ah, namaste, David.

- I don't speak gay.

- I'm just putting the finishing touches

on my spirit animal.

- Yes, well, I'm about to make your spirit animal very sad.

- That's more letters.

That's more letters, then--oh.

Oh, there's that one that looks like the sign Zorro makes.

And, uh, that's it.

What's that?

- Do I have to spell it out for you?

Oh, wait.That wouldn't help.

- I connect with people.

- You don't have to know how to read

to know how to feel.

- Listen, pal, if I decided to release this tape,

you won't even be able to anchor a workout video.

- What do I have to do?

- Give me your gimme award.

It'll be a symbol of how from now on,

I own your rock hard ass.

- Au revoir.

In what many are calling a miracle,

Courtney Carter has been found alive and unharmed.

The little girl,whose disappearance

kept a worried nation glued to the Onion News Network...

- Sam, where have you been?

- I've just been walking around.

I made some friends,

but then I said the wrong thing,

so now it's awkward.

- West!

- Well, it looks like youre about to learn your fate.

- Just in Helena Zweibel's office.

She's been on the phone with the bull's milk people.

Apparently,since your story aired,

the mayors of ten cities have requested

to have bull's milk pumped into their water supplies.

Bull's milk is so happy,

they sent you a real live bull.

It's in your office.

- But I don't have an office.

- Well, then,

there's just a bull in someone's office.

- So does this mean...

- You aren't fired, kid.

Hey, I am tough old news bird,

but what you did today,

it gave my tiny news bird heart its wings back.

Where'd you get the idea to spin that story positive?

- Just came to me,

'cause I'm such a good journalist.

Well, that's why I'm sending you to Oklahoma.

Tornado just hit a bullet factory there.

Hundreds of people dead!

Pack your bags, kid.

- Jillian, I--

- you're just like the rest of them.

- Hello?

Helena?

- Oh, it's you.

I was expecting assassins.

I'm having a disagreement with the Russians.

- That bull's milk story bumped us up to a 6.5 share.

- Good.

- Uh, by the way--

- happy anniversary of our second wedding.

- I thought you forgot.

- I should be able to forget you.

I've had hundreds of thousands of lovers.

I've slept with Henry Kissinger,

macho man Randy Savage,even Greg Kinnear.

But somehow,you're the only one

who ever meant anything to me, ed.

Something about you pierced my armor,

you sweaty beanbag chair of a man.

- And for that,I can never forgive you.

- I'd keep going with this,

but I have a meeting.

- Oh.

- And the falcon has a massage.

- Now approaching sub-basement level.

Elbow print recognized.

Welcome to the secret bunker.

- Thank you, computer.

Oh.It's a family reunion.

- Greetings, sister.

- This better be important.

I'm supposed to be getting a Brazilian wax

with Sonia sotomayor.

- We thought you called this meeting.

- Me?

- I called it.

- Father.

- Good evening,my wriggling spawn.

The time has come to discuss

which of you shall inherit my empire,

because I am finally dying,

thank merciful Christ.

- Coming up later tonight

in what many are calling a sign of progress,

a growing number of U.S. soldiers

killed in action are now women.

An Onion News Network special report.

Later in the hour,

could dinosaurs still be alive on a remote island?

We'll show you lots of pictures of dinosaurs

and explain why its not likely.

Republicans today vowed to block

president Obama's choice for a new white house dog.

And in a major scandal out of Washington today,

a conservative family values senator

has been discovered to actually be

rapper Ludacris.

Moving on, a new study finds many soldiers

returning from the front lines have trouble readjusting

to the pettiness of life back home.

Psychologists say when soldiers return to America

after spending tours of duty fighting terrorism

and persevering through constant life-or-death situations abroad,

they often struggle to care about

who defriended whom on Facebook

and whether leila was being insulting to Claire

when she said she "had that same shirt three years ago."

For all the times you watched a show

and said out loud to yourself...

- That was crazy!

- That was so funny!- I loved it!

Here is your chance to finally have someone listen.

Tell us what you think of the show.

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