Opening Night Page #10

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- Yes!

Okay, it's definite, then.

[Audience Laughing]

We've been invaded!

There's someone posing here as us.

And you're right. There is something

definitely wrong with your smile.

[Audience Continues Laughing]

[Virginia]

There's one question I'd like answered.

- [Sighs] I've gotta go.

- [Marty] Yes? What is it?

[Virginia]

What do you suppose they've done with us?

[Laughing Continues]

Do you think they killed us?

Do you think they murdered us?

Do you think we're dead?

Or do you think

we're just losing our sense of humor?

Do you know I used to be

very funny?

- [Laughing]

- [Audience Laughing]

Whoa!

When were you ever funny?

- When was I ever funny?

- I've never heard you tell one stinking joke!

- And you never laugh at anyone else's!

Never! Never!

- I used to be funny!

- I used to be very funny.

- When?

When I was a kid.

[Audience Laughing]

- Marty, I've got it.

- Good.

I've got the answer.

Good.

Marty, this is terrific. Terrific!

This is a wonderful idea.

It's just so easy that it's silly.

- It's, uh -

- [Laughing]

- Isn't it marvelous the way the mind works?

- Yes.

[Virginia]

I mean, it's, uh, it's sick...

the way the mind works.

Listen, it's easy.

It's so easy.

The telephone rings.

You answer it, right?

You get sick,

you go to the doctor.

Your heart gets broken...

you get someone else.

We're grim, right? We're grim

and we're depressed and we're "yecch."

We don't have to sit here and take this.

We can turn on the lights.

We can dance a little.

We can -

If we need touching,

we can touch each other.

Hey, Marty, we have each other.

Virginia, for God's sake,

I don't want to take -

Hey, no, honest, this is simple.

It's simple.

Honest to God, this is the best idea.

It's just so simple...

you don't see it.

It means I love you.

That's what it means. I love you!

I don't care if you don't think

I'm beautiful anymore.

- I do.

- And you don't think I'm funny.

- You're hysterical.

- [Audience Laughing]

[Virginia]

Well, you don't think I'm capable.

[Marty]

I don't think you're capable, no.

Because I swear to God, I never thought

about if you were capable or not.

[Virginia]

Yes, but now you will, see?

Now you'll think about it, and because

you think about it, I'll be it.

Because that's what I wanna be.

I wanna be capable.

[Marty]

Okay, you're capable!

You're capable and pretty and young and

wonderful and great and outstanding and--

[Virginia]

And I love you!

[Marty]

And you love me.

And if I get angry with you,

I punch you right in the nose. Is that right?

No. If you get angry,

you get over it.

- It's a lousy idea.

- If you're depressed, you get over it.

If you're selfish -

which you are, 90% of the time, Marty-

well, you give me a chance.

All right, angry- happy.

Depressed - happy.

The other way- happy.

Changing - happy.

Killing - happy.

Depressed, angry- happy.

Everything is happy, right?

That's the answer.

- This is so brilliant.

- Worst idea I've ever heard in my entire life.

It's just so simple, you reject it.

I'm getting older.

What do we do about that?

- I do want to be your friend.

- Yeah, well, I don't want to be your friend.

Oh, come on,

let's be friends, Marty.

[Audience Chuckling]

No.

Well, I sure would like to be friends.

Put 'er there.

[Audience Laughing, Chuckling]

[Both Laughing]

Okay. Okay.

Stand up, please.

- Want to see something wonderful?

- Yes!

[Audience Laughing, Applauding]

Uh, how about

if you stand over here?

- All right.

- [Laughing Continues]

Okay, then I'm

standing over here, right?

- Now, could you do me a favor?

- Certainly.

Could you raise your right leg?

The other way, please.

No. The other way, please.

[Laughing]

No, seriously-

[Audience Laughs]

We will walk to each other...

- we will try to clasp hands...

- Yes?

and we will grab each other's leg

as we pass.

- Oh, that's wonderful!

- This is an athlete's trick.

- Okay.

- Instead of doing, "Hey, baby! Damn!"

Now?

Whenever you say. Ready?

Hey, baby! What do you say!

Ohh! Ohh!

- [Groans]

- Yo! Yes! Ohh!

- [Audience Applauding]

- Okay!

Let's go! Here we go!

[Applause Continues]

[Applause Continues, Laughing]

[Audience Shouting, Hooting]

Bravo! Whoo!

Whoo!

Bravo!

[Applause Continues, Whistling]

Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo!

[Applause, Cheering Continue]

[Murmuring, Chattering]

[Kelly] You really did it this time!

Here, have some coffee.

David?

Ah, Manny.

[Chattering, Laughing]

[David]

Fantastic! Fantastic!

Hey, Leo, how are you?

- Fantastic!

- Have a little champagne!

- [Boy] I'll take the ice!

- [Woman] Thank you very much.

- Please, please.

- Thank you very much.

Just what I want!

[Chattering, Laughing Continue]

- [Maurice] Did you love it?

- [Woman] Wonderful!

- [All Cheering, Applauding]

- Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo! Bravo!

[Kelly]

Aww!

Bravo! Bravo!

- [Man] Toast!

- [Cheering, Applause Continue]

Hello! How are you? Yes.

How are you? Oh!

- Just wanted to say I just adored it.

- Did you?

Myrtle is shaking.

Myrtle is shaking!

[Bobby] Hey, Bo was smashed backstage!

He won't come out!

- Come over here.

- Where is he?

[David]

Marvelous!

I am so drunk,

I can hardly stand on these two feet.

- I wouldn't have known.

- I will call you when I'm a little clearer.

- Promise?

- Peter? You know Dorothy, my wife?

- Peter Bogdanovich.

- Lady- Oh, hi.

- Lady, it's a privilege.

- [Myrtle, Dorothy Laughing]

[Chattering Continues]

- [Myrtle] You liked it?

- [Dorothy] Oh!

[Dorothy, Weeping, Laughing]

I have so much admiration for you!

- [Myrtle] Mary seemed to think it, uh--

- [Dorothy] It was wonderful!

Wonderful! Wonderful!

Wonderful! [Laughing]

[Manny] Bobby? Bobby!

[Chattering Continues]

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