Operation Endgame

John F. Kennedy:

The very word "secrecy" is repugnant

in a free and open society.

Lyndon B. Johnson:

All I have I would have given gladly

not to be standing here today.

Kennedy:

...opposed to secret societies.

Richard Nixon:
But when the president

does it, that means that it is not illegal.

Lyndon B. Johnson: The world

will not be the same for our children.

Gerald Ford:
You have not chosen me

by secret ballot.

Ronald Reagan:

We welcome change.

We believe that freedom...

George Bush Sr:

I thank you for the wonderful things

that you have done for America.

Bill Clinton:
Never before

has our nation enjoyed at once

so much prosperity

and social progress...

George W. Bush:
The brightest beacon

for freedoms and opportunity in the world

and no one will keep

that light from shining.

Barack Obama took the railroad

from Philadelphia

to Washington today.

And it's not just the folks along the way

who were cheering him on.

A "CBS News"-"New York Times"

poll out this evening

says 79% of Americans are optimistic

about his new administration.

That's the highest level

for any modern president.

Excuse me.

Do you mind if I sit here?

- All the other tables are full.

- No. Go right ahead.

I wish it was Sunday.

How do I know for sure

you are who I think you are?

Well, for one, we were

just speaking in code.

And two...

I currently have a Para Carry 9mm

pointed squarely at your crotch.

I'm High Priestess.

Nice to meet you.

- Well well well.

- Meet Chariot.

Your new boss.

Uh, wait are all you guys

- named after Tarot cards?

- Yeah.

Dumb f***in' idea

if you ask me.

- It's not that bad.

- Jesus.

Great. One more goofy f***.

That's all we need.

So you're some master thief

or something, huh?

- I wouldn't say master thief...

- I tried to read your file

but it bored the sh*t out of me.

"Thomas Crown" without the p*ssy.

Where'd you steal that suit?

Marshall's?

What the f*** is wrong with you?

Don't even answer that question.

I got a kidney stone

passing through me right now.

And I don't want to murder you

on your first day.

Uh, okay. So do I get

to pick a Tarot card now?

Mmn.

The Fool.

The Fool?

Um, I was under the impression

we could choose our own code names.

- So am I replacing somebody or...

- Strength.

Yeah.

Apparently wasn't strong enough.

When God created Alpha and Omega.

As of this moment you're

officially hired by The Factory...

an elite espionage cell

ostensibly unacknowledged

by the U.S. Government and staffed

by unofficial covert operatives.

The company was created

in 1962 by the DOD and the JCS

for the sole purpose

of false flag operations.

In 1967 LBJ implemented

the two-team system...

- Alpha and Omega.

- For what reason?

To balance the power.

Let's put it this way:

If it weren't for Omega...

- Which is who?

- Us.

- The middle east would be

a cloud of dust right now.

Uh, isn't the middle east

already kind of a cloud of dust?

- He meant literally.

- What does Alpha do?

You know, the usual.

Some president, UN official,

American politician

wants to talk sh*t about

the military industrial complex,

wants to stop spending $600 billion

on a war with no f***ing end,

well, whether it be 1963 or now,

they intervene.

- And that's the least of it.

- And what about us? Omega.

We try to stop them

from bringing forth the apocalypse.

What's the need for any of it?

Don't you guys just negate each other?

Ha ha. Sweet nothing.

The black heart of our democracy.

So does anyone

oversee the two teams?

- The Devil.

- The who?

The Devil. It's not really

as ominous as it sounds.

He's a portly bastard

with manicured nails,

no real field experience

and the sharp wit

of a six-year-old autistic boy.

He's called The Devil because,

you know, it's spooky.

Oh. Company policy.

Boss is afraid one of us is gonna kill him.

Though I could just as easily

snap his neck as shoot him,

it's all for show.

Plus it looks really cool

when we unload our weapons.

Oh, come on, f***ing...

who works the Monday morning shift?

Is it Neil?

It's Neil, isn't it?

That f***ing...

I once waited here

for 20 minutes.

Oh, come on, people.

Let's go!

Open the door, fuckhead!

Here we go.

Oh, you f***ing retard,

open the door.

Open the f***ing

door right now.

Who is that?

Get down here.

Get down here 'cause I wanna see

your stupid handicapped f***ing face

in front of mine

while I gut you like a f***ing piglet.

So get the f*** down here...

Chariot is so drunk

he doesn't even know it's Tuesday.

Are you gonna let him in?

No, let him wait.

It's my favorite time of the day.

I'm gonna eat your f***ing heart

and your brain...

I'm gonna f***ing

rape your soul.

You have to admit,

he's pretty good at those insults.

Oh, he's an a**hole.

I used one the other day

on my ex-wife.

What did you say to her?

Remember when he told you

that he was gonna peel your skin off

and dry it in the sun

and use it as a condom

and f*** your mother?

You said that

to your ex-wife?

Well, I was mad.

You better watch out. She's gonna

end up keeping Bobby all the time.

- Should we let him in?

- I'm gonna snap

- my f***ing fingers, okay?

- I guess, yeah.

I hope you die

of testicular cancer.

You f***ing mongoloid.

Open the...

oh, thank you.

- Never mind.

- You do this every morning?

No, I drink as much as I do

because every day is Christmas.

All right, so what happens

if that door malfunctions?

How do we get out?

You don't.

Shut the door, b*tch.

You live in a barn?

Rude.

You wanna do

the introductions?

No, my f***ing feet hurt.

Great, I'll do it.

Thank you. I'll keep talking.

If we're heading up Omega Team,

Emperor spent over

See that Cro-Magnon f***

right there?

That's Judgement.

Deals solely with IT and Demolitions.

A real piece of work.

The rest of his energy's

spent saying sh*t like,

"It's Judgement time, baby."

But he can take down

a 747 using only his iPhone.

Basically,

he's like a black MacGyver,

but without the fancy mullet.

Hey!

Where the f*** is Alpha Team?

Sh*t, man.

Something's up.

Empress walked in here

and the skirt wrapped up her hips

like a motherfucking ligature.

Now the last time

she donned an outfit

so damn libidinous

was the day they whacked

Benazir Bhutto.

Who's Empress?

Who the f*** are you?

L... I um...

You're about as smooth

as a three-month-old bikini wax.

Yeah, he is.

He's endearingly retarded.

I love you.

Ah, Alpha Team!

Whee!

That's Magician.

Alpha's econo-terrorist.

Let me just tell you this.

The reason the third world

is still the third world

is 'cause of that a**hole.

CD of Alpha Team occupies

my slot on the other side.

His work in Florida in 2000

really put him on the map.

Queen of Spades.

That's Tower.

Our youngest recruit,

straight out of college.

No-sock-loafer-wearing

Georgetown-educated-black-Republican,

most likely still a virgin.

Not a fan of Osama.

Hierophant...

conceived in the bowels

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes