Opinions Page #3

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torment to actual physical abuse.

Few of us leave this cruel, early

phase of our lives unbruised.

Chapman's too thin. Skinny! Long

streak appears! G.C.'s a poof! Etcetera.

Gradually, we unlearn these unwise

ways, and turn next to competition.

We must compete against

each other, academically,

and in sport, if we're not

to be regarded as weird.

Competition can spur

you on to great efforts,

and seems to be essential to most otherwise

innately lazy human beings,

but you must beware of placing

too much importance in competition,

leading as it may to frustrations

and feelings of failure,

or, just as bad, false

impressions of superiority.

You remember Wilkinson, who was

so brilliant in the sixth form,

went straight on to

get a first at Oxford,

and then was never heard of again.

Although there was some talk

of men in white coats.

Now of course, no-one would tolerate

a brave new world mentality,

where people are conditioned

to accept permanent labels

of superiority, or inferiority.

So isn't it surprising that's

precisely what we do accept?

The ignorants, the ignorant,

convince themselves

that their superiors

are in fact inferior

because they can't see that lounging

around and being a selfish lout

is a lot less effort and much more butch?

Those who are educationally spoonfed

believe it is only their own efforts

that have brought about

their superior status

and others simply didn't work hard enough

or are genetically inferior.

Everyone should be encouraged to progress

to the full extent of their potential,

not put in their place and

forbidden further growth.

Later in life, fear of not

belonging may even tempt us

to be less than true

to our inner convictions,

leading us to denounce them

and even paradoxically

actively campaign against them,

so convincingly hiding

one's real thoughts.

What a pathetic way to live.

Whether you believe

in an afterlife or not,

I think it's wiser to assume

that there is none,

and at least be true to yourself in life,

as most likely this is

your only shot at it.

So we pass through the

selfishness of toddlerhood,

the braggart cliqueishness of childhood,

to come up against the obscenity

of suddenly having a larger

set of genitals clamped onto us.

Now, some view this prospect with pride,

and yet another valid area for competition.

Whisper whisper whisper.

Because the one thing the neighbours cannot

talk about to each other openly is sex.

Even though privately it's their

favourite topic of conversation.

Didn't you know that,

one pubescent taunts another.

The would-be grown-up is afraid

to ask through fear of ridicule.

Parents should tell their

children more about sex.

Parents should be told more about sex.

Teachers should teach more about sex

and friends and lavatory walls

be more sexually literate.

There are fewer dark areas now,

but it's not long since

neighbours thought

that the female orgasm

was unnecessary, and rare.

Masturbation was thought to stunt

growth and lead to blindness,

and marriage was the only cure.

What bladderschitic bunk!

It's a common misconception

of the sexually literate,

that sex consists of a male

putting his penis into a vagina,

and pumping away until

orgasm and that is all.

There is no other valid form of sex.

Now this used to be regarded as

the British missionary position,

a form of sexual gratification indulged in

by those weary of other

entertaining possibilities.

I'm not just talking of a number

of different sexual positions,

which despite the acrobatics are

still in essence penis up the vagina,

fun though they may be.

Full sexual orgasm as everyone

should really know

can be achieved in mutual

masturbation for instance.

Which is not only

unwanted pregnancy free,

but minimizes the risk of venerial disease

and teaches us a great deal about

how to truly arouse our partners

to heights of pleasure and gratification.

If there is one single area

in which you can rely

on your neighbours ignorance

and intolerance, it is sex.

It may be a good way of meeting friends

and forming deep relationships,

but unfortunately it can arouse

very destructive feelings

of guilt, envy, and jealousy,

and it's for this reason

that sensible discretion on sexual

matters is still a necessity.

I think you can expect people to object

if you thrust sex under their nostrils.

Peer pre... Fear of being himself and

what his immediate neighbours say

pushes the young adult to conform

by smoking carcinogetic cigarettes

drinking poisonous quantities of alcohol,

sniffing glue, smoking dope,

snorting coke, shooting heroine,

to demonstrate his or her independence.

Friends won't easily let you say no.

Sheeplike you follow others.

You attempt, your attempt to dress

differently sadly becomes a uniform

as desperately you try to avoid

the rut you will inevitably fall into.

Pathetic aren't we.

Old age, our neighbours say,

will make you less active,

less attractive, more stupid

and asexual. And it will.

Far sooner than it might,

if you make the mistake

of believing stupid neighbours yet again.

Take care of your body.

Eat and drink sensibly,

excercise your body and mind,

and old age will not be

the trial it is for many.

Grow old gracefully, say those

bleeding neighbours, damn them.

Well don't give up without a

huge struggle, yes even with time.

At last scientists are

learning how to turn back

some of our body clocks,

good luck to them.

It's theoretically possible

for a human being

to live to a hundred

and fifty years of age,

let's push ourselves beyond their limits.

Limits are set to be broken.

Let us begin to treat

the ageing process

as a group of diseases

that can be treated

and not as some inevitable

doom to be whispered about.

People who think they've

gracefully accepted the inevitable

are fond of saying, oh I

wouldn't want to live forever.

Oh yes they would if they

thought they had a chance.

The alternative is after all,

death, which is a bit final.

Even if you think you're

going to casually ooze off

into some eternal nirvana,

you've got the whole of

eternity to do that in.

Why are we in such a rush to find out?

It could be a dreadful disappointment.

And there are no return tickets.

I strongly suspect that death is

the dullest state we could fall into,

and should never be looked

upon favourably by the sane.

It's nothing to be afraid of,

just something to avoid.

Well, that's enough about death,

now some smutty revelations

about big names. Right.

I happen to know that

John Travolta, Neil Diamond...

...with Marlon Brando

and every commissioner

of the metropolitan

police except one.

Now, Arabs.

You may not want to know what an

Arab thinks, but maybe you should.

Arabs, it seems, do care

about what we think.

While the rulers in Iran were

happy to bring back dismemberment

as fit punishment for certain crimes,

because of education

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