Orange Is the New Black

---

BATHING MONTAGE:

We cycle through a series of scenes with voice overs.

Underneath the dialogue, one song plays throughout. Perhaps

it’s ‘Tell Me Something Good,’ by Rufus and Chaka Khan or

something better or cheaper or both that the music supervisor

finds for us.

INT. CONNECTICUT KITCHEN - DAY - 1979

A beautiful, fat, blonde baby burbles and splashes in a

kitchen sink. A maternal hand pulls out the sprayer and

gently showers the baby who squeals with joy.

PIPER (V.O.)

I’ve always loved getting clean.

CUT TO:

INT. TRADITIONAL BATHROOM - 1984

Five year old Piper plays in a bathtub surrounded by toys.

PIPER (V.O.)

Water is my friend.

CUT TO:

INT. GIRLY BATHROOM - 1989

Ten year old Piper lathers up and sings her heart out into a

shampoo bottle.

PIPER (V.O.)

I love baths. I love showers.

CUT TO:

INT. DORM BATHROOM - 1997

Seventeen year old Piper showers with a cute guy.

PIPER (V.O.)

I love the smell of soaps and

salts.

CUT TO:

INT. LOFT BATHROOM - 1999

Twenty year old Piper showers with a woman. (ALEX)

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK "Pilot" JENJI DRAFT 2.

PIPER (V.O.)

I love to lather.

CUT TO:

INT. DAY SPA - 2004

Piper sits in a jacuzzi with girlfriends.

PIPER (V.O.)

I love to soak.

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT -2010

Piper in a clawfoot tub in a brownstone in Brooklyn with

LARRY.

PIPER (V.O.)

It’s my happy place.

CUT TO:

INT. ROOM BLOCK SHOWERS - DAY - TODAY

We see water coming out of an old, generic showerhead. We

follow it down past the dirty mustard color tiles. Under the

less than forceful stream, stands our Piper. There’s no

steam because it’s not that hot. She quickly swipes at her

pits and parts with a small bar of soap. We hear a squish

sound as she moves. We pan down further to see she has

attached a MAXIPAD to each of her feet with a hair rubberband

to protect herself from fungus. The pads are expanding in

the pooling, greyish water. She’s not happy. The shower

curtain is a shred.

PIPER (V.O.)

Today, not so much.

Song fades. A young, tough, black woman in a muu-muu,

DELICIOUS, carrying a crocheted shower caddy, walks up to

Piper’s shower stall. She stops. Waits.

PIPER:

I’ll be out in a sec. I swear.

DELICIOUS:

Uh huh. I wait. There best be hot

water left.

PIPER:

There wasn’t much when I started.

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK "Pilot" JENJI DRAFT 3.

DELICIOUS:

Uh huh. Hurry.

PIPER:

Okay. Okay. Done.

Piper shuts off the water and slides open the ratty curtain,

quickly reaching for her towel that’s hanging just outside.

DELICIOUS:

Damn, you got some nice titties.

PIPER:

Thanks.

DELICIOUS:

You got them TV titties. They

stand up on they own all perky and

everything.

PIPER:

Yes, well.

DELICIOUS:

(eyeing the maxi-pads)

You know they sell flip flops at

commissary.

PIPER:

Yeah, my money’s not in yet.

DELICIOUS:

You creative. I give you that,

High Tits. Now get the f*** out

the way.

Piper quickly gets her clothes and scoots away as Delicious

gets naked and turns on the shower, not even bothering to

close the curtain.

PIPER (V.O.)

Hey, at least my tits look good.

And from the shower, Delicious sings in her own special way.

DELICIOUS:

Tell me something good. Tell me

that you love me, yeah. Tell me

something good. Tell me that you

like it, yeah...

CUT TO:

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK "Pilot" JENJI DRAFT 4.

OPENING TITLES.

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK.

FADE IN:

EXT. BROOKLYN - BACKYARD - EARLY EVENING

A messy yard on a clear winter evening, string lights and

patches of old snow; A Caja China pig roasting box is

smoking. In attendance are Piper, LARRY, KIRSTEN, and PETE.

Kirsten is about seven months pregnant. Pete and Larry walk

over to the box to sniff it. Piper and Kirsten are seated

nearby warming themselves by a firepit.

ANGLE ON LARRY AND PETE:

PETE:

So there is an entire pig in there.

LARRY:

Yes.

PETE:

There are only four of us.

LARRY:

It’s a small pig. I really wanted

to use the box. It was my birthday

present from Piper.

PETE:

She knows what you like.

LARRY:

That, and she’s guilty she’s

leaving. It’s a guilt pig roasting

box.

PETE:

At least you got something.

Kirsten won’t be having sex with me

for a year too, but what do I get?

LARRY:

A baby.

PETE:

Yeah. That. But you can’t eat it.

Let me see.

Larry lifts the lid revealing Piggy.

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK "Pilot" JENJI DRAFT 5.

PETE (CONT’D)

Holy sh*t. That’s really a pig.

LARRY:

Isn’t it beautiful?

PETE:

I want to f*** it.

LARRY:

Then we’d only have the beet salad

and the brussels sprouts. That’s

really not enough of a going-away

dinner.

PETE:

I want to have sex. My wife won’t

have sex with me.

LARRY:

I’m getting that.

PETE:

I don’t even care that she’s fat.

LARRY:

You are a gentleman. A saint,

almost.

PETE:

I’m an a**hole.

LARRY:

Pretty much.

PETE:

Tonight isn’t about me.

LARRY:

No. It really isn’t.

PETE:

Sorry.

LARRY:

It’s okay. I’d rather be thinking

about sex with your pregnant wife

too.

They both stand and stare at the pig.

PETE:

It’s gonna be okay, Larry.

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK "Pilot" JENJI DRAFT 6.

LARRY:

I don’t know if that’s true.

Beat. They don’t know what else to say. Then,

PETE:

So, should we take it out?

LARRY:

Yeah. Get this party started.

As the two men work on getting the pig out of the box, the

ladies are chatting.

ANGLE ON PIPER AND KIRSTEN:

Piper holds a cocktail, Kirsten, something non-alcoholic.

KIRSTEN:

Are we really gonna eat that?

PIPER:

Isn’t it appropriate that I eat pig

the night before I go to prison?

KIRSTEN:

Why?

PIPER:

Pigs. Cops. Never mind. It’s a

stretch.

KIRSTEN:

I guess anything but tuna.

PIPER:

Huh?

KIRSTEN:

Cause you’re going to be eating so

much of it in jail? Tuna? Vagina?

PIPER:

Nice. Thanks.

KIRSTEN:

How the f*** are you going to jail

tomorrow?

PIPER:

Prison. Not jail.

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK "Pilot" JENJI DRAFT 7.

KIRSTEN:

Oh. Of course. Prison. F***,

Piper. Your timing sucks.

PIPER:

Like your timing doesn’t? Damn

baby. Ruining everything.

KIRSTEN:

And you’re missing my shower.

PIPER:

I’m still chipping in. And I

bought you a really nice gift.

KIRSTEN:

Yeah? What?

PIPER:

A pig roasting box. I got a twofer

deal. You’ll love it.

KIRSTEN:

I hope you’re kidding. You’re

kidding, right? You better be

kidding.

PIPER:

I got you that ridiculous stroller.

KIRSTEN:

Seriously? Oh my god. The one

that charges your phone?

PIPER:

Yes.

KIRSTEN:

Okay. You can go to prison now.

PIPER:

Thank you. Kirsten, you know I’m

sorry.

KIRSTEN:

I know.

PIPER:

And we hired Marianna. She’ll deal

with everything when we’re both...

indisposed.

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK "Pilot" JENJI DRAFT 8.

KIRSTEN:

Indisposed? Lovely euphemism.

Marianna’s so... intense.

PIPER:

We need that. We’re the artists.

Rate this script:3.7 / 6 votes