Orcs!

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ORCS (2011)

Hey!

Wahh!

What are you doing?

Ezakial Crawford. Park ranger.

You scared the bejesus out of me.

Sorry. Sir.

Didn't mean to spook you.

These are National Park lands now.

No mining.

I'm sorry. Sir. But I'm afraid

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Shh. Did you hear that?

Mm-hm. You got your partner

down there?

No. Hand me that lantern.

Yeah. There you go.

Hey! Sir?

Sir. You OK?

Where'd you go?

Hmm.

Huh? Ah!

And the last highlight of the tour are

these stylised anthropomorphic figures

which are completely unique

in North American rock art.

Uh. when do we get to see

the balancing rock?

I'm afraid you can't. It's gone.

What the hell happened to it?

Balancing rock was dismantled in 1 996

after the Wyoming Ethics Board

declared the shadow it cast obscene.

Looked like a Johnson.

It collapsed in 1 9 7 3.

Many geological formations

are but temporary features

that will eventually succumb

to the forces of gravity and erosion.

You're telling me there ain't no balancing

rock in Balancing Rock National Park?

That's correct. Sir.

So. what else you got?

Uh. Apart from the fascinating

Native American pictographs?

And?

Uh. Couple of campgrounds

and a golf course. nine holes.

Unbelievable.

So thank you all for coming on the tour.

ladies and gentlemen.

and I hope you enjoy

the rest of your stay here

in beautiflll

Balancing Rock National Park.

It's Tina. Isn't it?

You know. Tina.

park rangers suffer the highest rate

of felonious assalllts and homicides

of any law enforcement agency

in the country.

Wow.

That must be a really tough job.

Yeah.

You have no idea.

202 to 205. Over.

205 here.

What do you want. Marge?

What's your position?

Uh...I'm just. Uh. You know.

finishing with the tour here.

at the pictographs.

Like hell. That tour finishe

90 minutes ago.

Now. Get your lazy ass

back own to the station pronto. Over.

MARGE:
Ravens have learne

to unzip an unsnap packs.

Do not allow them access to your food.

It is harmflll and it is illegal.

Thank you.

What's shaking. Marge?

This is Hobart Moss. Volunteer ranger.

Super sent him over to help out

since Edgar's gone AWOL.

You can take him with you.

Take him where?

Marvin called. He's had some trouble.

Well. what kind of trouble?

The get-off-your-ass.

get-up-there-and-find-out-about-it

kind of trouble.

You don't have any authority

over me. Marge.

I'm lead ranger.

We're both GS-9s.

I'm senior.

By three months!

Fine. I'm gonna do it.

But only because it needs to be done.

We're both GS-9s.

I'm senior.

Possibly more than one bear.

I'd say black bear. not grizzly.

Black bear is more of a scavenger.

Hasn't been a bear here

for 1 0 years.

What you got there. Hobart?

You can call me Hobie.

This is my ranger notebook. I'm gonna

use it to take notes and log evidence.

I'm pretty sure it was those teenagers

camping down by the river.

They've been stealing stuff

from my store. And now this.

You know. They're doing drugs too.

You gonna do something about this?

Just let me handle this. OK?

Yes. Sir.

Don't call me sir.

Hey. Kids.

We saw your handiwork with the

trash cans up at the convenience store.

That wasn't us.

We've been here the whole time.

Yeah. It was probably bears.

Yeah. We know you kids got pot.

The entire campground reeks of it.

And what are you gonna do?

You're just a park ranger.

Actually. He's a federal officer. He has

full police powers within his jurisdiction.

So he can do whatever he wants.

And what are you?

I'm like...like a ranger cadet.

Like. I'm a ranger in training.

Listen. Kids. Just hand over the pot

and we'll pretend it was bears. Capisce?

Let's have the snacks.

Improperly stored food items

attract bears. Real bears.

I thought you said there

hadn't been a bear here in 1 0 years.

WOI'm trying. Honey!

Well. Try a little bit harder!

The stern oarsman can't do it

all by himself. You know.

Loosen your grip!

I told you before. Improper

paddle handling causes tendonitis.

OK. Now. Come on.

Move that paddle. woman.

Stroke! Stroke!

Come on. Baby.

Come on. Come on.

So how many of those

do you need to smoke

before you know

it's real marijuana weed?

Well...

The manual says two. But...

..I think we're gonna be OK

after one.

I don't remember reading that.

Oh. Really?

You know. I'm not sure it was those kids

that threw all that trash around Marvin's.

Those trash cans were demolished.

It would have taken

a grown man. well...

..stronger. Something more powerflll

than a grown man.

Cal...

Do you believe in Big Foot?

Kidding me. Right?

There's a lot of evidence.

compelling evidence.

that suggests that Big Foot is...

202 to 205. Over.

There's the only hairy monster

I believe in. Get that for me. Buddy?

Yes. Sir!

I mean. Cal.

205 to 202.

Who's this?

Uh. This is Hobart Moss.

volunteer ranger. Ma'am.

Uh...hello?

Where's Robertson?

Uh. Robertson's working hard.

He's. Uh. Just smoking

some of the suspected marijuana.

He's what?

Hey. Marge. Cal here.

Hobie's just. Im...

You know.

he's just messing around.

Are you there. Marge?

Oh. L'm here. Robertson.

We got another complaint

that the northern camp toilets

are stinking up the park.

Deal with it.

Well. where's Edgar?

That's his job.

Still can't find him.

So you two better get out there

an lime them yourselves.

Shall we go?

No more mining! Save our land!

No more blasting! Here we stand!

No more mining! Save the land!

No more blasting! Here we stand!

No more blasting!

Here we stand!

Dammit!

That's enough. Hobie. Let's go.

But we already paid for these.

Well. Hello. Cal.

Hi. Katie.

Well. Isn't this a familiar sight?

Hiding behind that doughnut

while this guy does all the work.

Nothing ever changes.

You're still a selfish jackass.

Hey. why don't you put that

on one of your signs?

Open-cast mining

is a crime against nature.

They're going to destroy this community.

She's right. You know.

Thank you. I am right. And any

decent park ranger would know that.

Outside of my park.

not my problem.

Let's go. Hobie.

Man. That woman is crazy.

You know. She once asked me to break

into a government building with her

so she could steal some documents

to implicate a senator.

That's probably just her way

to show you that she cares about you.

I mean. She doesn't actually show it.

She actually seems like she hates you.

But in actuality. You're a park ranger.

I'm sure Katie sees that.

and she's gotta respect you for it.

Well. She got a funny way

of showing it.

Don't you just love this job?

Once.

Alright. Finish up in there.

I gotta take a dump.

Oh! Ugh! You didn't do

a very good job in here. Hobie.

Man. I hate camp toilets.

They're so disgusting.

There's always pee all over the seat

and there's spiders everywhere.

I'm always afraid one of them's

gonna bite my privates.

Also stinks like something

crawled in there and died.

Poor guy.

What the hell was Edgar doing

down in that hole?

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