Orcs! Page #2

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Why didn't you tell me he was in there?

I didn't look down!

It totally freaks me out.

Do you think he just fell in?

He didn't fall in.

He must have climbed in.

I mean. He'd been

a bit depressed lately. But...

No. He must have been afraid

of something so bad

that he climbed in there.

and he couldn't get back out.

Look at these claw marks. Maybe that

was a bear at Marvin's store after all.

Or maybe it wasn't a bear.

There's no such thing

as Big Foot. Hobie.

A bear wouldn't scare me enough

to go climbing in poop.

A bear back at Balancing Rock

after all these years.

Edgar was a friend of mine. Hobie.

Well. You know. not really a friend.

but. I mean. He was a colleague.

He was a really good colleague.

He hated this job.

He always wanted to open up

his own bake shop.

Now look how he ended up.

Neck-deep in other people's turds.

What a waste.

Egar Hanson.

loy al park employee. Our sorely misse

coworker and friend.

passed this day

as he would have wished.

doing the job he loved.

This the coroner?

This is Dan Whiting. He's come

to see you on official business.

I need to get a urine sample

from you. Officer.

What's this all about?

Surprise drug test.

We don't have surprise drug tests.

Surprise!

Fine.

Remember. Urine. not sperm.

Do I get a cup?

Here you go. Dan.

Don't drink it all at once.

Hmph!

Goodnight. Officers.

You know. Those tests

have a 50olo false negative. So...

..don't write me off just yet.

We'll see.

You know. Marge.

we lost one of our own out there today.

and there's a rogue bear

on the loose.

Edgar's no loss.

And neither will you be.

Sure. Make yourself itsef!

for the little time you have left.

Post all the bear warning signs

you want.

Fine. Give me the key

to the gun safe.

You have your handgun.

For a bear? This'll just piss him off!

I need a rifle.

You're right.

This is a tranquilliser gun.

Well. we need more than this!

Pepper spray.

In case you meet

the big bad bear.

Give me the key to the damn gun room.

The only way you're gonna get the key is

if you pry it from my cold. Dead fingers.

Happy hunting. Boys.

I thought you said those tests

had. Like. A 50olo false negative.

I lied. Hobie.

So screwed.

I'm sorry.

Look. Don't worry about it. OK?

If it wasn't gonna be this.

it would be something else.

Marge has had it in for me

for a long time.

She told me you were like

a cancerous cyst growing in her armpit.

Then when I asked her

what that felt like. She...

..she told me

to shut my cakehole.

Yeah. well. That's classic Marge.

You know...

..these conditions are perfect

for Big Foot sightings.

Sun's about to go down.

fog should be rolling in.

Just when you can't see properly and

you can let your imagination take over.

Say what you will.

but l bet he's out there. Right now.

Just watching us.

Smelling us.

That's what I'd be doing.

Yes. I'm sure he is.

Just finish this up.

Hey. Look at this track right here.

That's a pretty big footprint.

wouldn't you say?

Sure. They're big footprints.

Big footprints? Or Big Foot prints?

I mean they're giant bear prints!

Now let's get the hell out of here.

You're giving me the heebie-jeebies.

It's like he was headed

this direction.

and then he probably

smelled something interesting.

Where are you going?

Come on! Hobie!

..up through here...

Dammit!

Hobie?

Hobie. Come on.

Where are you?

Hobie.

Shh! I think I heard something.

Yeah. It was probably me.

Shh!

Big Foots get skittish at dusk.

Don't you mean Big Feet?

Big Foots.

I think.

What is that?

That's pretty freaky.

What do you think

would do something like that?

Three teenaged stoners.

that's who.

Alright. Let's get the hell out of here.

Where can I drop you off?

Well...

Marge said I could

stay in the park. with you.

Course she did.

I'm not tucking you in.

Hey. Cal. If you could be any

protected species. what would you be?

I'd be a narwhal.

It wasn't supposed to

end like this. Hobie.

Hanalei Bay. Hawaii.

That's where I was headed.

You know. I'd have grown...

..pineapples and coconuts

behind the station.

And the native girls would have

used them to make pina coladas.

And they would have danced for me

in their hllla skirts

and their coconut bikinis.

And everybody would have

treated me like a king.

'Cause I'd keep everybody safe

in paradise.

Wow. That sounds awesome.

When I become a ranger.

I don't care where they put me.

Just as long as I

work with good people.

You know. They become

kind of like your family. I think.

That's something I never had.

But if I had my choice.

I'd choose one of the big parks.

like Yosemite or Yellowstone.

Yellowstone can kiss my ass.

You know what big parks are?

Paperwork. Daily uniform inspections.

Time management. Requisition forms

for every little. Tiny thing.

Sexual harassment suits!

Oh. You know. He never

had to deal with any of that.

Who's he?

Ezekiel Crawford.

Park's first ranger.

Oh. I've heard of him.

Didn't he die protecting the park

from illegal mining?

That's right.

A real hero.

Rangers were rangers back then.

None of this weak-sauce

bureaucratic pussies

you find in the service nowadays.

You know. Maybe

it's just the booze talking. But...

..I think I want to get fired.

Well. what about the coconuts?

Coconuts are over. Hobie.

I'm the loser. Marge wins.

And that's what

really pisses me off.

Come over here.

Stop it.

Guys! Take it easy over there.

I'm trying to concentrate.

Kyle. Tammy. Quit it! It's not funny.

Sasquatch.

Oh. Dammit!

This is Ranger Cal Robertson.

I know it's you.

you pot-smoking teenagers.

banging on those bongo drums.

Shut the hell up and go to sleep!

Thank you.

Don't make me come out there.

you little pissants!

I will use whatever force is necessary

to keep the peace.

Get up. Volunteer Cadet Hobie!

Sasquatch!

I'm getting transferred to Hanalei Bay.

Hawaii. And you're coming with.

How about it?

Yes. Sir!

OK. Then. We have 2 hours

before those test reslllts come back in.

And I'll be damned

if we don't go out there

and prove we've the best damned

rangers in the US Park Service.

Now. Let's go get that bear.

Or Big Foot.

OK. whatever it is that's causing

a ruckus out there. Let's go deal with it.

On your feet. Ranger!

Yes. Sir!

But first we're gonna deal with

those nocturnal pot-smoking.

drum-banging. Punk-ass teenagers.

That's a lot of cheese puffs.

Told those kids

not to store food in the tent.

I've never seen a bear attack before.

It's horrible.

Yeah. It ain't pretty.

Still. no partially eaten remains

scattered around the immediate area

of the attack site. So that's a good sign.

Kids must have run off.

Still. It looks like one of 'em's hurt.

What do we do now?

Now we make that bear sorry

he ever stepped foot in our park.

I wish

bears were nice. Like Yogi.

OK. I can see...

I can see you're...

you're referring to a cartoon.

Now. This is gonna be a real bear.

a real bear which will kill you...

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