Ordinary Decent Criminal Page #2

knives and all sorts of things.

But that didn't stop me

when I saw what they were at.

I went for them.

We fought for hours.

But there was too many altogether.

So, your ma and me and Lisa

we barricaded ourselves in

and we wouldn't come out.

You're need gonna take our homes

away from us.

And they couldn't get in,

no matter how hard they tried.

They huffed and they puffed,

but it was no use.

And all around us...

we could hear

the screaming and wailing

of our friends and neighbors

as they tore their houses

to little pieces.

Like savages they were.

They tried everything

but they didn't know me.

I wouldn't budge.

No matter if they brought the

whole place down around our ears.

And then the Mayor came!

That's right.

They were so pissed off

they couldn't get the better of me

the Lord Mayor of Dublin himself

come out to see your da.

Mr. Lynch.

Michael!

Michael! Michael, please,

if you'll just hear me.

Michael...

Get on your knees!

I'm pleading with you!

I personally have been authorized

to offer you these keys

to two houses.

One for us and one for Auntie Lisa.

And I made him promise...

that no-one could ever take

our homes away from us again.

And the Mayor said...

Yes, I promise!

So, I graciously

accepted their offer.

I won. I beat them all.

The bailiff and the Mayor

and the law.

I was loyal.

And that's why I won.

You see, the thing is...

they'll never beat you...

if you stick together

and stay loyal.

Are they asleep?

It's time

for the tickle man.

See you tomorrow.

'Night.

Hiya, Michael.

Hey, Shaun.

You're late.

Sorry, bedtime stories.

God! The Mansions again.

I bet that put 'em to sleep.

Christine asked me to ask you

would you mind looking

after Tom and Shane tomorrow.

She has to go into town to

get Breda her first communion gear.

No problem.

Are you ready for this?

Oh yeah.

I missed you.

F*** them! Don't answer!

No, gotta call Billy,

tell him what's happening.

Jesus! F*** 'em!

Who was with you at the bank?

It was Stevie.

No, no. Did Stevie drive the car?

Stevie drove the car, right?

That's right.

And Tony Brady was with you, yeah?

You see,

we know what you did, Lynch,

doing jobs

while you're out on bail.

And we have proof boy.

All you have to do is say,

''Yes, that's just the way it was''.

You drove to the courts

on a motorbike

and then you switched

at the last moment, right?

Fifteen minutes,

that's easy on a bike, Lynch.

Give us an answer,

you f***ing gobshite!

All right, Con. Take it easy.

Shall we start all over again,

shall we?

You weren't with either of

your two wives Monday night

we know that much.

So, Michael, if you weren't

with the two ugly sisters

don't tell me you were off

banging some other old slag?

I realize you're not a golfing man,

Detective Sergeant

but...

the Association of Inspectors

and Superintendents Annual

Four Ball

had to be cancelled today.

Now, why do you think

it had to be cancelled?

Well, I did mention to you, sir,

that things like this usually

happen when we try to inter...

Don't be the smart Alec with me,

Noel.

I haev to tell you,

there's a lot of very unhappy

golfers here today.

This is vital rest and recreation

for senior officers.

Do you understand the importance

of this, Detective Sergeant?

Well I do now, sir.

Are you trying to tell me

''I told you so''?

I'll tell you someting,

Detective Sergeant...

I will not have

the reputation of the Garda...

brought into disrepute

by these shenanigans.

We will not be intimidated

by the likes of Michael Lynch.

Are you listening to me now?

Christine wasn't upset, was she?

No, no, she's fine.

You see, every time

you go out on the road

there's dangers out there

bits of glass lying in wait nails,

pot-holes.

So you have to watch out,

watch your every move

coos otherwise they'll get you.

Who?

The bits of glass and that.

Sooner or later,

if you're not careful

and then you get a puncture

and then you're f***ed.

And then you fix it for me.

Yeah, I do.

Aren't you a clever little shite.

Can I put the patch on now?

Don't wrinkle it.

Job's worth doing.

If a job's worth doing,

it's worth doing well.

That's right... cool.

That'll be the best way to park.

F***ing brilliant parking that was.

Sh*t!

A beaut.

Hey, Tony, you drive like

a bleeding old woman.

F***ing comedian...

Mad f***.

Michael...

...the new fella, Shay Kirby...

doesn't bother you

he used to be in the IRA?

Nah, he's out a couple of years.

A bit doggy though, isn't it?

Look, why are you bringing him in?

He's the inside man on the job

I'm gonna tell you about.

Look, I understand.

While I'm talking I'll make

some crack about the Provos,

you watch how he reacts.

Tommy, come on, we're going.

Say goodbye to daddy.

Bue-bye, da.

By, chicken.

Bye lads.

Bye.

Bye, da.

All right, sitting down, lads.

One more round, Michael?

Little fella, sit down.

All right...

First, you've all met Shay Kirby.

How's it going?

Now, as you know...

I may be a bit occupied in the

Four Courts come Monday week.

Now, should go okay,

but you never know.

So I thought maybe now is the time

for a job I've been thinking about

the last few months.

One of those impossible ones.

Now, this is one the IRA

had their piggy little eyes on

but even they thought

it couldn't be done.

Well, lads, when I heard that

I thought to myself,

we're gonna have to show

those dozy f***ers a thing or two

about robbing

O'Donnell's jewellery factory.

Jesus Christ, Michael.

Bollocks, man!

What I was thinking was...

we wouldn't actually try to

break into the factory itself

but we'd sort of drop in.

F***. Jesus Christ!

And then sort of camp

out in the yard

until someone arrives to let us

in the next morning.

And that someone...

is Mr. Fintan Doorley

the General Manager.

Like myself, very precise man.

Fintan arrives

at five-to-eight every morning.

Now, as a man

who likes and needs routine

he will probably be

a bit surprised at what he sees.

Good morning, Mr. Doorley.

We're here to steal your gold.

Meet our esteemed leader.

Good morning, staff.

Identify yourselves.

Once inside

they'll meet Tony, Tom and Billy

who'll invite them

to step into the marquee.

And lads... Politely, okay?

As long as

they're doing us no harm,

we won't do them any harm.

Stop mucking around.

Do as you're told!

You got that, Billy?

What?

Just get the people inside.

Blow up the air bed, love,

I'l be in in a minute.

That's enough out of you, Billy.

Give us a kiss,

you big ride, you.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, Michael.

So that at quarter-to-nine,

we all drive back out again.

And we can all relax

because it will be some time before

anyone gets to call the Gardai.

Now does everyone have a picture

of that in their minds?

Because, lads, I promise...

that's just the way

it's gonne be easy as pie.

What age are you, Alec?

What, ten years younger than me?

Big difference.

Then Tony and Michael,

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