Ordinary Decent Criminal Page #5

that beautiful painting cleaned.

No idea

what was about to be uncovered

a Caravaggio...

I mean, a priceless original.

It was a pity for us in a way,

of course,

because it was lovely to

have it there.

But, well...

as soon as we knew its value

we knew it couldn't stay here.

I mean any half decent thief

could just walk in.

The gallery made us

that very fine copy though.

Same size and all?

Oh, yes, an absolute replica.

Oh, I couldn't tell the difference.

What about an art expert?

Well, he or she

would spot it in seconds.

If it really is

worth thirty million

why didn't you sell it

to the gallery

rather than giving it to them?

Well, not blowing

our own trumpets now

but I suppose we just thought

it was the right thing to do.

Won't be long,

about ten minutes I suspect.

Okay, lads, good luck.

What the bloody hell's he doing?

Get out of the car.

Get out of the f***ing car!

Yes!

Did you see their f***ing faces?

Raferty van, that's it, that's it.

Get after him, Con.

Turn the car around, get her round!

Shut up. I'm, like, doing it.

Oh their tail.

We'll lose them, hurry up!

Would you, for f***'s sake,

just shut up!

Okay, we're up on them.

Right, steady as you go, Con,

steady as you go now.

Nice and handy.

F***!

The door's open, now's your chance.

What's the f***ing matter with you?

It's only a picture!

Jesus Christ!

Come on.

I knew we were a country

that respects art.

Yes.

You never mind if there's bastards

out there trying to get you.

They're only satisfied

when they can grind you down,

keep you poor, put you away.

They don't count. Not with us.

In fact, I think we can give them

the run around any time we like

cos they're only eejits.

Mentioning no names like.

And this thing of me becoming

a bit of a TV star lately

I want you all to know

it's not gonna change me

one little bit.

Come on,

I wanna show you something.

We're top of the ratings, lads.

They might even give us

our own series.

...valuable painting Caravaggio,

''The Taking of Christ''

was stolen in broad daylight

by an unknown criminal gang

posing as American tourists.

And none of them have

a f***ing clue as to who did it.

Oh, you wanna see the bum shot?

What the f*** is a bum shot?

Oh, Jesus.

Look at that arse on you, man.

Michael, the painting,

how are we gonna get rid of it?

It's all sussed.

Alec is going to Amsterdam

next week to see a fence.

Let him make us an offer.

But the crack is, in the meantime

while we're waiting for all of that

we can just sit back

and watch the Gardai

make a pig's mickey of it.

I'll drink to that.

Michael, any idea how much we'll

get for this holy picture here?

Like, just cos

it's valued at thirty million.

We'll get enough to get rich,

don't worry.

The point is, we've won.

I mean, you see ths,

you see all this?

Think about what it means.

We're number one,

not the Gardai

not the IRA, not anyone else.

The whole country is in awe of us.

Because of a little divine

intervention here from...

we're bigger than Riverdance.

One day at a time...

sweet Jesus,

that's all I'm asking of you

Just give me the strength to

do everything that I have to do

Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus

And tomorrow may never be mine

I think this is the signal.

Watch... see?

Spot on.

Well, it's the signal itself

that got to me, sir.

Well, you're right,

he's giving a signal but...

he's imitating the painting, sir.

Same as your man Judas there.

Oh, right, very clever, but...

Yeah, it's smart.

Obviously someone that likes a gag.

Someone that likes a joke.

That's what made me realise

it's Michael Lynch.

We can't get a positive ID

from that picture, sir,

but I did body size and shape

comparisons with Lynch and Brady.

Heads, heights, everything,

they match.

Very interesting, Noel, well doen.

Good to see the gizmos being

put to use and so on,

but it's a coincidence.

Your nose alone

should tell you that

Lynch is not capable of

this kind of thing.

I went back over

some of the security videos

from the art gallery, sir.

I found this.

Lynch and his wife Christine

on a day out.

I know it's not

evidence of anything, sir

but what the f***

is Michael Lynch doing

at a seventeenth century

Italian art exhibition?

My wife went to that exhibition!

I'm sorry, but we'd look like fools

presenting that idea

to the top lads in Interlope.

If my training with the FBI

has taught me anything,

it's these specialist robberies

are the preserve of

a few international gangs.

Germans, Dutch, art thieves that

really know their business.

Come on, Noel, admit it.

Lynch just isn't in that league.

Behave yourself.

Oh, charge it to room 764, please.

No... Peter. In fairness you've

travelled a long way to meet us.

You have to let me pay this time.

Hey, you know it's no problem.

You'll be paying

the hotel bill anyway.

Hey, Alec, he's right.

He's f***ing right.

So we will.

Hey, I like your style, Peter.

Smart fella there.

I like that.

Oh phone call. Won't be long.

Hey, Peter, I think that slapper

over there has her eye on you.

What's a slapper?

Yeah... no, yeah, no,

half eleven's fine, yea...

No... I'll be there, yeah...

It's certainly not the MO

of any gang that we know.

Which suggests very strongly that

it's a very clever

local Irish operation.

You've probably come to that

conclusion yourselves already.

Oh yes, oh, indeed, aye.

Well, of course we're

pretty confident at this stage

that this is the work of

a gang led by Michael Lynch.

Now, I'm personally familiar

with Lynch's MO

and though normally art theft

isn't really histhing,

this particular robbery seems to

have his mark on it all right.

If you know who you're dealing with

it will make a recovery operation

much easier.

We know that someone here in Dublin

has made contact with a fence

in Amsterdam.

Let us call him Peter.

Peter had made contact with us

to offer his co-operation.

Good afternoon, lads.

All set?

All ready, sir.

Noel...

Yes, sir?

Get to work.

Right away, sir.

Whatever you do,

don't say anything to him

about where you're taking him,

or mention anything

about the painting at all.

Okay.

Not a word.

I mean it. Good luck.

See you there, Michael.

Do you like art, generally?

What do you think of the painting?

Oh, I couldn't give a shite, man,

to be honest with you.

Well, it's a beautiful Caravaggio,

isn't it?

Well, of course I realize,

well, I suppse that

money is your main interest.

I can tell you,

you don't like to talk,

you have no interest

in conversation.

Not true. I love a good chat, man.

So, these are the beautiful

Dublin mountains.

Spotter plane.

They've got it, sir.

All right.

Let's hope

the weather remains fine,

especially if

we have to view outdoors.

Where do you want it?

The Caravaggio?

Upright somewhere.

Lean it against the tree there.

It's so strange to be standing on

a wooded mountain top

looking at one of the great

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