Ordinary World

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(cheering, applause)

(muttering, indistinct)

I am. I drank

the whole bottle

of Baileys.

Oh!

Welcome to the news.

Oh, Pete,

it's time for your close-up.

Just kidding.

My name is Johnny.

I play guitar.

I'm Perry,

and I play the guitar,

and I sing.

Gary. Drums.

I'm Pete.

I'm drunk.

Did you say

"I'm drunk"?

I'm drunk.

PERRY:
We're supposed

to be conducting an interview.

Does your band suck

or is your band good?

Suck. Suck.

(crowd chattering)

Puke stains and cigarettes

The party

is in my pocket

I'm lookin' for a drink

And a couch to call my own

Give me a bump

and I will come

And whisper dirty lies

The rapture in your ear

And we'll both be terrified

Bloodshot eyes

and you're peppermint

We could run like dogs

from the devil

Give me one last try

For your love tonight

I'll be the king forever

And you can be my sunshine

We are the devil's kind

We are the devil's kind

We are the devil's kind

And now I won't

back down

I said I won't back down

I am the devil's kind

Take me into the water

And pull me

from the slaughter

Because I've got

the shakes

And I'm so petrified

Bloodshot eyes

and you're peppermint

We can roll like dogs

from the devil

Give me one last try

for your love tonight

I'll be the king forever

And you can be

my sunshine

We are the devil's kind

We are the devil's kind

We are the devil's kind

And now I won't back down

Said I won't back down

I am the devil's kind

(cheering)

(cheering fading)

Yeah.

(hydraulics squeak)

Oh, sh*t!

Sh*t! Hey!

Wait, wait!

Check it out.

Excuse me!

It's Miller time.

Hey, excuse me.

What's the matter

with you, Miller?

I forgot to put

my cans out again.

Like we've never

heard that before.

Come on, man. Help me out.

It's my birthday.

You know that

can't happen, man.

Oh, come on!

Hey, Salome.

Hey.

Hey, use a coaster.

How many times

do I gotta tell you?

Why? It's not

a big deal, Daddy.

It's just juice.

It is a big deal.

It'll leave a ring, and Mom

will go apeshit and blame me.

What's "apeshit" mean?

Oh. Give me my guitar.

It's a...

Word you shouldn't say

It means gorilla poo

Okay, Dad.

And if you say it,

people think I'm a bad dad

Okay, Dad.

So please don't say it

Okay.

Okay, Dad. Okay.

All right.

See how easy that is?

You're crazy, Daddy.

(whirring)

Hey! Good morning, sexy.

WOMAN:
What?

(whirring stops)

Sorry. What?

I said hi.

Oh, hi, hon.

Hey, uh, you up

for a little quickie?

(chuckles) Very funny.

I have to be in court

in 20 minutes.

All I need is five.

Okay, four.

Hey, I just want to say,

I'm sorry in advance.

It was an oversight.

What's that supposed to mean?

It's garbage day.

I forgot to get

the cans out again.

Perry, come on.

That's two weeks in a row.

I know. I'm sorry.

But I figured today

is a special occasion,

so I've earned a free pass?

What's the special occasion?

You know, special.

What?

You know.

No. What?

You're joking, right?

Oh, Perry, come on!

You're slowing me down.

I'm late.

Wow.

Hey! How you doing, man?

Oh, boy! Happy birthday!

Oh, man, thanks.

I think Mommy forgot.

Can you believe that?

All right,

who wants breakfast?

SALOME:
I want breakfast!

Right there.

Let's see what kind

of trouble we can get into.

Salome, you want a cookie?

Really?

Yeah.

It's a special occasion.

What's the special

occasion?

Your talent show.

Tonight?

Are you gonna rock the house?

-I guess.

-What do you mean,

you guess?

Say, "Hell, yeah, Daddy!"

Hell, yeah, Daddy!

Boom! There you go.

Are you nervous?

No.

It's okay if you are.

I'm not really nervous,

but can I have

another cookie?

Of course.

Yes!

Can you do me

a huge favor, babe,

and come home at your lunch--

Why is she having

a cookie?

It's a special occasion.

Oh, what's

the special occasion?

-It's my--

-No, no, no, no.

Don't say anything.

Guess, Mom.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, wait.

Let me see.

Could it be...

your talent show?

Yes! The talent show.

'Cause we celebrate

important milestones

in this house,

'cause that's what we do.

Okay, do you want

a waffle, Salome?

No, Dad's gonna fix me

some apeshit.

(chuckles)

Did she just

say "apeshit"?

I think

she heard that at school.

Anyways, my parents

are coming in today,

and I need you to come home

and let them in.

The punisher is coming?

Yes! I told you that.

And they're coming

at noon.

Which reminds me.

Can you go pick up

Salome's new guitar?

She's gonna need it

for the show tonight. Okay?

And please...

Yeah, yeah, I'll do it.

Don't lose it.

I won't lose it.

Okay, great.

I gotta go. I'm late.

I love you.

I love you.

Mmm-mmm-mmm!

And don't forget my parents.

I won't forget.

Whoa! Didn't you

change his diaper?

I think I forgot.

I don't know how.

He smells like

a porta potty.

Okay.

(no audible dialogue)

Dad!

We're gonna be late.

Come on, Dad!

Hey, what do you think

of your playhouse?

My playhouse?

It's kinda boring.

Really? That sucks.

It's supposed to be fun.

It's a little fun.

Ah, nah, it sucks.

I'm a shitty carpenter.

I don't know

what to sing tonight, Daddy.

I know,

but I haven't figured out--

You haven't decided?

Right.

What do you

wanna sing?

I don't know.

Maybe, like,

the Dead Kennedys.

(chuckles)

Dead Kennedys?

That would be funny,

but there's, like,

a bunch of families

and kids and stuff.

Oh, yeah.

But-- I don't know.

Sing whatever you want.

My band never decided

until the last second.

Daddy, what do you do?

(chuckles) What do I do?

What does that mean?

Well, it's just because

it's career day,

and we're supposed to talk

about our parents' careers.

Oh!

I don't know. Just say

I'm in a band or something.

But you're not in a band.

Yes, I am.

We're just taking

a temporary hiatus.

What's a temporary hiatus?

Ah. It's a fancy way

of saying

we're taking a break.

Oh.

I don't know.

Why don't you

just talk about Mom,

how she's a public defender

and all that

important stuff?

Okay.

Yeah, you don't have

to mention me.

Come on. Let's do it.

(school bell ringing)

Get to school.

Have fun.

Hey, Dean!

Arrest that man!

Take him in

for questioning.

I'm trying to get him

to join Dad's Group.

I don't think it's working.

Is he being a p*ssy?

A little bit.

Come on. Don't be

a p*ssy, p*ssy guy.

(chuckles) Okay.

Hey, we were just joking.

We don't think you're a p*ssy.

-I don't even know

how that got started.

-I was just trying to be funny.

I'm sorry.

You guys

are pretty weird, man.

Dad's Group.

We need somebody cool

like you.

Honestly, if you think I'm cool,

then your Dad's Group

is kind of hurting.

(laughing)

We're just messing

with you.

There he goes.

(doorknob rattling)

(knocking)

Hey, Perry.

Got it for you.

Salome's first guitar.

This is

what my wife picked out?

Yeah. What do you think?

Why is there

a dinosaur on it?

(chuckles) I don't know.

I think it's a decal.

It probably comes off.

(strums)

Well, it sounds all right,

I guess.

Oh, can I tell you

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