Ordinary World Page #2

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something?

I have to tell somebody.

What happened?

Mm. I'm dating

this French chick.

Ingrid is her name.

Twenty-five.

Oh, smokin' hot.

Anyway,

she invites me to Paris

for a dinner party.

I'm like,

"Yeah, I like dinner."

So we get there.

Have you ever flown

first class?

Uh, no.

The seats are like

the size of my car.

Which means two people--

(sucks teeth)

That's your story?

You had sex on a plane?

No. I mean, yes. But no,

that is not the story.

So, get to Paris.

Here's

the dinner party table.

Me, Ingrid, Mom, Dad,

Paul McCartney.

Oh, come on!

Dude, I know.

I think her dad's, like,

an ambassador or something.

Come on.

Mm-hmm.

Anyway, dinner's over.

Parents go upstairs.

She's all passed out

on the couch.

It's just me and Paul,

hanging out,

just shootin' the sh*t.

And then he pulls out a guitar

and we start jamming.

What?

I sang "Let It Be."

I sang "Yesterday."

I sang "Glass Onion."

You gotta be kidding me.

I sang-- No, dude.

You're lying.

Now I know you're lying.

No, I am not lying.

You liar.

I will show you.

Paul gave me his number.

McCa.

That is what happens

when you fly by the seat

of your pants first class.

Boom!

So, how was your night?

My night?

My night was awesome.

I watched House Hunters

and went to bed.

You watched what?

House Hunters?

Oh, man. Never mind.

(chuckles)

All right, you want that guitar?

Should I wrap that up for you?

How much is that one

over there?

Don't be ridiculous.

That's a limited edition.

I'm not even sure

I'd be willing to sell that.

I tell you what though.

I'll trade you for the L6.

(scoffs) Are you kidding me?

(chuckles)

It's just a thought.

Dude, I've had that guitar

my whole life.

It's like trading

my wife and kids.

You know what?

Just give me

the dinosaur one.

Yeah.

I'll get you a strap.

It's fine.

Sorry, man.

There he is.

Perry Miller,

ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you so much

for joining us, Perry.

Only 30 minutes late.

No big deal.

Can I get you anything?

Any coffee?

How about a doughnut?

Let me run out and get you

a buttered bagel.

I had to pick up

Salome's guitar.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

That's cool.

It's always something

with you, man.

It must be nice

to be you.

Are you cool?

I'm great.

Thanks for being early.

Terrific.

Hey.

Yeah?

You're a great brother.

(rock intro)

Nothing ever happens

Nothing ever happens here

Nothing ever happens today

Today, today, today

(continues)

Things are fragile inside

I'm fragile, I'm fragile

(continues)

Nothing every happens

Nothing ever happens

Hey, man.

Hey, what's up?

We gotta talk.

Okay. What's up?

I had a guy come in

and say that you

recommended ammonia

for his marble countertops.

Why would

you do that?

Maybe because

I don't have anything

that has marble in it.

Okay, this is our business,

and we're supposed to be experts

on every product in the store.

That's how it works.

Experts?

Experts.

Give me a break.

Perry, I'm being serious

right now, okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Honestly, we have

a real problem.

And we're gonna have

to talk about it.

What are we gonna do about this?

Do we have

to do this now?

We have to do it now.

Please don't push me, okay?

And stop walking away

when I'm talking to you.

Hey, did you know

today's my birthday?

(scoffs) Come on, your birthday?

Birthdays

are for kids, Perry.

I know.

It's just--

Dude, never mind.

How old are you?

Forty.

Okay, well, happy birthday.

It's great.

(scoffs)

What are you gonna do?

You gonna hang out?

You gonna party tonight?

Karen forgot.

She forgot?

That sucks.

You forgot too.

No, I didn't. I thought

it was tomorrow or--

(scoffs)

I could call her.

You want me to call her?

No.

She's got enough

on her plate.

Don't say anything.

Okay.

Just drop it.

Promise you

won't say anything.

I'm not gonna say anything.

All right.

If the lecture's over,

I gotta go finish working.

Look, you know

what I think? I think

you should take the day off.

Blow off some steam,

find your buddies, throw

a little party for yourself.

Nah.

I was about to put this

in the safe.

I want you to take

some of this money.

Two, three...

What is that?

It's $500.

I'm not taking that.

Yeah, you are.

You're actually

gonna take a thousand.

That's a thousand.

And please, Perry,

get it out of your system.

I don't want this.

Yes, take it.

I'm tired of you

loafing around this place.

You're late all the time.

Your hair's a mess.

You-- You look like a goblin.

You don't know

jack sh*t about hardware

or the stuff we sell.

Oh, yes, I do.

That's so not true.

Okay, what do we have

in aisle ten?

Aisle ten?

Yeah.

Soap.

Soap?

Yeah, like dish soap.

Wrong.

Um, wait. Um, hoses.

No. Uh, shovels.

Wrong.

I know this. Hold on.

It's like sink stuff.

Okay, look,

there is no aisle ten.

All the aisles

are lettered.

I knew that.

It's been like that

from the beginning.

I thought you meant

something else.

Do me a favor.

Enjoy your birthday.

Blow it out.

Then it's over.

Okay? You got it?

All right. Happy birthday.

Oh, and we don't sell

dish soap.

It's a hardware store.

(line ringing)

Gary here.

You know what to do.

(line beeps)

Gary. What's up, man?

It's Perry. How's it going?

Hey, today's

my birthday, man.

Um, and I'm thinking

about having a party,

like a daytime

blowout kinda party.

So-- Yeah, dude, um,

as soon as you get this, or--

I'll call you back.

As soon as I get a location,

I'll call you back.

It's gonna be sick. Bye.

(rock intro)

I was sick

I was losing my mind

Yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah

Couldn't make it,

so I told her why

Yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah

(continues)

Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah

Sitting all alone in my room

Shootin' up some glue

And too crazy to do

Whoo!

All right

(ends)

-Hello.

-One moment, please, sir.

All right.

Cucumber water?

Yeah, sure.

Thanks, man.

It's refreshing,

isn't it?

Oh, my God.

It took you

a second.

I know. Christy, what's up?

Hi!

How are you?

Um, I'm-- I'm good.

You look good.

(scoffs)

Well, I don't know.

Uh-- I mean,

how are you?

You look amazing.

Thanks.

Yeah. Wow.

So what the hell's

going on?

Um, nothing.

Just working.

What, like,

for the hotel

or something?

No, I don't work

for the hotel.

I'm just staying here.

I'm just in town.

What about you?

Me?

Where do you live?

You know, still here

in the city.

Oh.

You know, doing--

You're not checking in?

Um, no, I am checking in,

but it's kind of a--

kind of a long story.

Mmm.

MAN:
Welcome

to The Drake, sir.

-Sorry to keep you waiting.

-Oh, just give me

one second, okay?

At your leisure.

All right.

Well, I'll let you

finish up.

Oh, no, no.

No, no, no.

Um, it's awesome

to see you.

You still say "awesome."

Yeah, yeah.

I guess I kinda do.

Anyway, I'll see you later.

All right.

So what can

I help you with?

Yeah, um, Rup-ert.

Ru-pert.

Oh. Rupert.

Yeah, I'm looking

to get a room.

Oh. Okay.

Well, let me see

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