Our Relations

- l'm sorry.|- No, Betty, this is yours.

What's going on here? Silly.

Pass the sugar, lover.

- Hand me the bread, Momma.|- Yes, Poppa.

- There we are.|- Thank you.

That's strawberry jam in there.

How about some celery?|Would you like some celery?

Thank you.

Are you starting this all over again?

(Both) That's the best cup of tea|you ever made.

- Shakespeare.|- Longfellow.

- Needles.|- Pins. (Laughs)

- lsn't that cute?|- (Clock chiming)

Oh, Daphne, look at the time.|Hurry or we'll be late for our bridge party.

Honey, excuse us|but Mrs Adelquist will be calling for us.

- Have a good time.|- See you before you go.

Oh, lover.

(Doorbell)

That's Mrs Adelquist. Let her in, darling,|we'll be right down. Come on, Betty.

- Come in, Mrs Adeltwist.|- Special delivery for Mr Hardy.

Sign, please.

- (Door closes)|- Come in, Mrs Adelquist.

lt wasn't Mrs Twiddlepast.

Not Twiddlepast, Adelquick, er, Adelquist.

Never mind who it was, who was it?

- lt was a letter for you.|- Oh!

lt's from my mother.

- What's she say?|- l'll find out when l get my glasses.

(Loud crunching)

''My dear son Ollie,

''l was cleaning up the attic and in going|through a lot of rubbish l came acr...''

Don't be rude.

Now look what you've done.

Take some hot water and clean those off!

(Crack)

My eyes are getting worse every day.|This letter is just a blur. Hurry up.

Thank you.

Now, that's better.

''My dear son Ollie,

''l was cleaning up the attic|and in going through a lot of rubbish

''l came across this picture of you and Stan|and your twin brothers, Bert and Alf

''so l thought you would like to have it.|Lovingly, Mother.''

- lsn't that swell?|- Can you imagine that?

Our very own twin brothers.

l wonder where they are.

Cha cha cha.

(Laughs) Seems like only yesterday.

(Stan) Which is you?|(Ollie) That's me there.

- Look at me.|- But that isn't you, that's Alf.

Let me have your glasses.

(Nasally) You mean to tell me|l don't know which is me?

That's me, right there.

How do you know that's you?

- l'm the oldest, you can...|- Sit down.

There's some more writing.|Give me my glasses.

No wonder l couldn't tell which was you!

Here, you read it!

''Dear Ollie, l forgot to tell you|that after you and Stan left home

''your twin brothers Alf and Bert turned out|to be bad lads and ran away to sea,

''and l did hear they joined a mutiny on board|one night and they both got hanged.''

Oh, isn't that terrible?

''Let this be a lesson to you. Mother.''

- Hm.|- lsn't that calamitous?

What a disgrace to our parents.|lf poor Father ever...

- Where are you going?|- To show Bubbles.

- (Chokes) Come here.|- What?

- Are you crazy?|- Uh-uh.

lf our wives find out we had some low-down|brothers like that they'd divorce us.

We'd lose our prestige in town and be|ostracised by the rest of the community.

- Well, why would they...?!|- Oh! Shh.

Why would they do that?|Everybody has a black sheep in their closet.

Nevertheless,

don't you tell a soul about this|because if you do we'll be sunk.

Then maybe we'd better burn the evidence.

(Both) Then nobody will ever know.

-Shakespeare.|- Long... Not now!

- Have you got a match?|- Yes.

Shh.

We'll burn our past behind us.

- (Daphne) Come along, Betty!|- Oh! Here.

(Daphne) We'll be right down,|Mrs Adelquist!

- Oh! Hello, dear!|- Where's Mrs Adelquist?

- (Doorbell)|- We have to go now.

l'm sorry, dear. Goodbye.

Goodbye, lover.

(Daphne) Come along, girls,|we're going to be late!

- Goodbye!|- (Door closes)

(Ship's horn)

Stand by your line!

Hey, mate - get busy|and unload the livestock.

- We sail in the morning with the tide.|- Aye, sir!

- Did you get paid, Bert?|- l sure did.

Once we've eaten|we'll go and have a swell time.

- (Man) And come back broke as usual.|- Oh, l don't know.

- Aren't you going ashore, Finn?|- Once l've read the paper.

Any news?

l was reading about a man|who started with nothing

- and in two years had a million dollars.|- A million dollars.

- How?|- Careful saving and wise investment.

What l've been preaching|to you two for years!

lf you'd listened|you'd be worth a million dollars.

He's right. When we first|came on this ship 15 years ago

if we'd had as much sense then as now|we'd have let him save our money

and now we'd be sitting on|the fat of the land. Right, Finn?

- Right.|- lt's all right but it's too late now.

lt's never too late. You were paid today|and now is the time to start.

Why not let me hold it for you?

You make the money, l'll invest it

and you'll be millionaires|before you can say ''Jack Robinson''.

What do you say?

That sounds swell to me.|What about you, Alf?

lt's OK with me, Bert. How about you, Finn?

- lt's a knockout!|- l think it's good too.

Here's my money.

Have you seen my money?|l put it in here a minute ago.

Remember, you were...

lsn't that swell?|We're going to be millionaires.

Say, who's this fella Jack Robinson?

- l don't know.|- l never heard of him.

Boys, l'm proud of you.|That's what l call determination!

- We're full of it.|- You'll need some pin money to spend.

After all, it's all right to be careful|but we've got to have our little fling,

just to break the monotony. (Laughs)

(Sighs)

- There's a dollar between you.|- A dollar?!

We can't do much flinging on a dollar!

Well, you'll soon be millionaires.

He's right, Bert.

- (lnaudible)|- Oh, yes...

what about a receipt for our money?

You're right, l'm glad to see|you've got good business sense.

A receipt. (Coughs)

''lOU $7 4.''

Just to make this binding...|you two boys sign there.

- ''Bertie...Hardy.''|- ''Alfie Laurel.''

Semi-comma.

Thanks.

Now everything is on the up and up.

- lsn't that swell?|- One thing l want you to promise.

- What?|- Don't come and ask any of it back.

You listen to this - when we make|an agreement, it is an agreement.

Yeah, we want you to promise us|you won't give it back.

- l promise.|- Get me some coffee.

- All right.|- Now we'll get somewhere!

l'll get ready to go ashore.

- Any orders, sir?|- Huh? Er, yeah, yeah.

- Send those mugs Bert and Alf up here.|- Aye, sir.

Hey, you swabs, the mate said|the Captain wants to see you right away!

OK, we'll be right up.

Come on, sailor.

- Goodbye, Finn.|- Goodbye.

Oh, wait a minute! l've taken a room|at Mrs MacGregor's on Tudor Avenue.

lf you run short of money, drop in.

- OK, thanks.|- Goodbye.

Bye.

Barnum was right.

Now, listen, this is what|l want to see you about.

l'm expecting a small package|to be delivered to me here but l can't wait.

l want you to stay here, get this package|and bring it to Denker's Beer Garden.

- l'll meet you there about four bells.|- Aye, sir.

- You know where Denker's is?|- Aye, sir. lt's on Fifth and Eighth.

Between Sixth and Seventh on Ninth.|lt's just across from...

- You know where it is.|- Aye, sir.

l hope l can rely on you to do this for me.

Captain, you can trust us insipidly.

l hope so because|it's a very important package.

What's in the package, Cappy?

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