Out Cold Page #2

who's gonna buy the mountain.

John Majors of Major Resorts.

Rick Rambis of Rick Rambis.

You any good

on that board there, son?

I'm all right.

You wouldn't mind

playing tour guide...

to an old fart like me,

would you?

Actually, Rick's got a pretty

heavy workload tomorrow...

but I would be delighted to

show you around the mountain.

No offense, Short Stack,

but you give me the creeps.

I think Rick here'll

do just fine.

You don't mind, do you Rick?

No problem.

Good.

First thing in the morning.

I'll take a Geritol

so I can keep up.

Chop chop with them bags there.

So, what does this mean,

selling the mountain?

I don't know.

Maybe this guy will be cool.

Maybe he'll help us build

a lift up to Hangman's Peak.

Can you get an STD

from a polar bear?

What is your brother doing?

What do we got, Whitey?

Solid Gold Dancers

trapped on Beaver Mountain.

Somebody help us!

Looks pretty hairy, sir.

Just the way I like it!

Lock 'em and load 'em, boys!

I'm goin' in!

What are we gonna do?

Please, the whole cabin

is freezing!

We're saved!

Good morning, ladies.

The name's Pen.

A suit.

I need everybody to be calm

and take your tops off.

And tie them together.

Now! Move! I don't have

time to discuss this!

Wicked!

You. Grab me around my waist.

Lower. Nice.

You, get the door!

The door's stuck!

Just jiggle it!

It's gonna be OK, ladies.

Jiggle more!

You have to jiggle the handle.

Jiggle it.

Open the door, Pig Pen!

Come on, man.

Jiggle it.

Open the door!

I'm coming!

He's had a crush on that bench

for a long time.

Did you enjoy your nap?

So, Rick, did you

hit it last night or what?

No, man, we just talked.

God. You know, maybe...

we should clarify something.

When you won the race

last night...

that made you

King of the Mountain.

Not King of

the No-ball P*ssy Losers.

They already have

their own king--

my brother.

What?

Are you still hung up on Anna?

Here's what I don't get,

all right, is...

you met this chick...

and you got

freaky-deaky with her...

and then, poof!

She disappears.

How's there a problem with that?

Pig Pen, when I want advice...

about a good

"Planet of the Apes" film...

or maybe how to get the resin...

out of my bong,

I'll come to you, OK?

But I am not gonna take

romantic advice from somebody...

who cannot spell

romantic or advice.

Or bong.

Listen, man, I just want

to hear the story, that's all.

I mean,

you've never even told me it...

not even once.

If I tell you, will you

promise to shut up about it?

I met her at the most beautiful

romantic place on earth...

Cancun, Mexico.

There was this little cantina

called Pedro O'Horny's.

Me and Luke, see,

we had just shown up...

and then I saw her.

From the moment

we caught eyes...

I knew she wasn't like

the other girls there.

She was French.

She had her top on.

Plus, she wasn't puking.

Drink!

We spent every day together

for three weeks.

It was like heaven...

but you couldn't

drink the water.

And then, one day,

she asked me...

to go on one of them

tandem bike rides...

but she never showed up.

I never saw Anna again.

Who?

God!

Chicken!

Guys, a little sensitivity here!

God! Can't you see

this is a dejected man?

Well, Rick, get your

dejected head out of your ass.

Papa Muntz wanted you

to run this mountain.

Carpe the diem!

Seize the...carp!

What?

Make sure you bundle up because

it's freezing out there, OK?

Hey, Toby.

Let me check your boot.

You're good now.

-Thanks, Jenny.

-You're welcome.

Hey, Jenny, you think

you could tie up my boots?

Stewart, I think you

can do up your own boots.

I kind of like

the way you do it.

OK. How about I do up one,

and you do the other.

Cool.

The rabbit and the loops...

I can do it

without the song, you know.

I kind of like the song,

Stewart.

-What's up, Rick?

-What's up, dude?

Get out of here.

You're welcome.

You're pretty good

with these kids, Jenny.

I seem to have a thing

for immature boys.

Ouch!

At least Stewart has his act

together enough to ask me out.

I think we're

checking out a movie...

right after his nap time.

That's what I wanted

to talk to you about.

Would you...

Would I...

Would you like to have dinner

with me tomorrow night?

I'm sorry.

It sounded like you were

asking me out on a date.

We could meet at the inn.

Say, 8:
00?

Right now I have

to go seize the carp.

-Wish me luck.

-I'll see you there.

Morning, Mr. Majors.

Please.

My daddy was Mr. Majors.

Actually, he was Mr. Mankowicz.

Just call me "John."

OK, John. Well,

where do you want to start?

Most people can't do

the whole mountain in one day.

Well, I ain't most people.

You try

and keep up there, hotshot.

You ever been on one

of those lesbian chat rooms?

-Are they good?

-I don't know.

You see that up there?

That's Hangman's Peak.

Damn. You ski that?

Yeah. It's a hustle,

but, as you can tell...

it's almost impossible to hike.

I think that if we put

a lift to the top...

it would be the most

popular snowboard park...

in the entire country.

You know, Rick, what I'll do--

I'll think on that.

'Cause I like your style...

and I might need a little help.

Yeah? What for?

Well, my investors,

they're coming...

to check this place out,

and, well, they spook easily.

If this deal's

gonna go through...

this whole town's

gonna have to play ball.

I don't think Muntz

has the pull around here...

to do that, but...

you do.

Can you hear me?

OK. As most of you have heard,

by next week...

Bull Mountain

will have new management.

I'm selling it...

for lots and lots

of American dollars...

to your future boss

Mr. John Majors.

Thank you.

Thank you and good morning.

I can't tell you

how happy and excited...

I am to be here today.

Now, I know we're all

gonna be homies...

but I do believe

in the golden rule...

and that is, he who has

the gold card makes the rules.

Pipe down, retard.

And to publicize

my purchase of the mountain...

I've invited my board members--

that's the board of directors

and my investors--

here for

the anniversary festival.

As my employees,

you're expected to behave...

in a manner consistent

with a world-class resort.

Any questions you might have...

will be answered

in your new rule book...

which numbnuts here

is gonna pass out.

I think that's you.

And I have a super-duper

surprise for all of you--

a brand-new, streamlined...

top of the line,

high-performance uniform!

Don't sweat having

to pay for 'em.

We'll just deduct the cost

from your first paycheck.

Welcome to

the Major Resort family!

There's no business

like snow business!

I told you. You look great.

It doesn't really allow my dice

to roll down there...

and by dice, I mean testicles.

Speaking of testicles,

let me get a beer.

The suits

are not that bad, guys.

Rick, these scuba outfits

make us look ridiculous.

Who does this Majors a**hole

think he is?

I'm not gonna wear

this unitard--period.

Guys, I love Bull Mountain

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