Out on a Limb Page #3

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Meanwhile, Bill found

his car, but not his walle. And the Buzzsaw police

were no help. In fact,

they were kind of weird. My wallet's gone. Right. Now you say

she kidnapped you? Kidnapped you and then

she took your car? You got to help me.

I got to get

that wallet back. See, the problem

here is that Sheriff Hawks

and Deputy Logan went

away for the weekend to Eureka for

the California State

Sheriff's Day Parade. And, see, I was hired

originally part-time just to do some

filing and light typing. Larry here...

It's my first day. It's his first day

as deputy, you see. And we said we would fill in

until they got back, but nobody said there

would be a kidnapping. I haven't even

been trained yet. BILL: You don't understand

how important this is. There's a caretaker's

phone number in the wallet. If I don't call him

by Friday, I've blown

a $140 million deal. Can you describe

the caretaker? What's with this town?

Is there somethin'

in the water? Not that I

know of, sir. Nobody said anything

about the water to us

except you just now. MAN: Sir? You need

a new oil pan. I jerry-rigged

a patch, but, uh... Okay, what are

you telling me? Just that we'll try, sir.

Definitely try. But that we are not

equipped to deal with

anything dangerous you know, like

a real crime or

anything like that. (GUN C*CKS) Hello, Matty. Well, Mayor Van Der Haven.

That's a funny name. Dutch? Yes, as a matter

of fact it is. So, I guess you'll

be needing a little

traveling money. Yeah, $150,000. That's $10,000

for every year I spent

in prison for you, you son-of-a-b*tch! MARCI: There was a witness

to this family reunion. Sally, who was trying to fd

her way through the woods and who was about toe

totally grossed out. Now there's no need

for threats, Matt. Just hold it right there. Oh, come, come, come, Matt.

I'm not like you. I don't carry a gun. I'm the mayor of Buzzsaw,

for Christ's sake. (GUNSHOTS) You always were

a liar and a cheat! No wonder you became

a politician! And a good one. PETER: Matt? Matt, now take it easy. A**hole! Matty, Matty, Matty. Don't be childish. Stay away from me! PETER:

You remember when Mom said

we'd kill each other someday? (CHUCKLES) She was right! Stay where you are! Ugh. Jenny, any luck

reaching that caretaker? No, I'm going crazy. I've called 500 numbers.

At this rate, I'm going

to be at it all week. You call all

the Jose Rodriguezes within

100 miles south of Oaxaca and I'll call all

the ones to the north. (SIGHS) Lights out, honey. It's already past

your bedtime. Oh, five more

minutes, Mom. Sorry, time's up. Oh, God, Marci,

where did you find this? No. This is going

down right now. But, Mom, I can't

sleep without that. You're just gonna have

to learn to, dear. Good night, honey. Good night, Mom. Hey, Matt.

Matt? My name's Peter

Van Der Haven.

Who are you? (SCOFFS) Don't give

me that crap, Matt. I figured you'd try

and double-cross me. (CHUCKLES)

You've got

the wrong man. Get off my property or

I'll call the police. Hey, four eyes.

I told you

not to... Well, that's very good.

That's very smart, Virgil. So, where's

the money? He didn't have it,

so I had to kill him. VIRGIL: Son of a b*tch!

What are we supposed

to do now? MATT:
I'll tell you

what I'm gonna do now. I'm gonna go into

that house and I'm gonna

become Peter Van Der Haven. And you are gonna lay low. And when the time comes,

you're gonna get

your 10 percent. Now get! Ten percent?

It's 50/50, Matt. Who the hell told you

your brother was the mayor

of Buzzsaw anyway, huh? Who told you? It was me! I'm the mayor of Buzzsaw,

and this is the new deal! Oh, no! No, Matt!

What are you doing? Bill! Bill!

Guess what? Peter's dead and his

twin brother killed him

and took his place! Hold on. Marci,

it's very late,

and I'm busy. And he killed

this other guy, too.

I saw it on my wall! I think you're

having a bad dream. No.

Yes, and you should

go to sleep. But...

We'll talk in the morning.

It's okay. Go ahead, go to sleep. Go to sleep. It's okay.

Good night. MARCI: As usual,

Bill didn't believe me and I didn't know

what to think. Maybe it was just

a bad dream after all. (MATT GRUNTING)

(BODY THUDDING) But the next morning,

I realized that it wasn't

a bad dream at all. There was a murderer

in the house, all righ. Oh, sh*t! Esta es la casa

de Jose Rodriguez. EsJose? Mmm, uh, mmm.

No. Gracias. Come to the dining room, Bill.

Breakfast is ready. Marci! (PHONE RINGING) Hello? Hello? Hi, Peter.

It's me, Melissa. This isn't Peter.

Just a second.

(DIAL TONE) Hello? It's her. It's that woman

who's always

hanging up on me. What did she say? Just, "Peter,

it's me, Melissa." Melissa? Huh,

I know her name now. Melissa.

Melissa the whore. You okay, Mom? MATT: Son-of-a-b*tch!

(CRASHING) That's the second time

he's fallen this morning. Must've forgotten there's

a step in the bathroom. All this sex

is rotting his brain. (GRUNTING) Peter, why are you going

through my panties? I'm... I'm lookin'

for a tie. They're where

they always are. Right, where

they always are. Here. (THUDS) I thought you hated

Aunt Millie's tie. I changed my mind. (BARKING) Could you

call Marci? Marci. Marci! (WHISTLING TO DOG)

Hey, Marci! (WHISTLING) Bill, you got to

call the F.B.I. This is too big

for the police. Marci, do me a favor.

No F.B.I. till I've

talked to Peter, all right? Here, why don't you set

the table? Go ahead. All right,

set the table. (WHISTLING) Peter, we have

to talk about Marci. I don't think that

she's adjusting here. Maybe we should

have her put to sleep.

(WHISTLING) Hi. MARCI: The resemblance

was incredible. It was Peter

and it wasn't. Matt had a brutal,

kind of crazy

look in his eyes. I was really scared. But he fascinated me. That's my seat, Peter. Oh, sorry. MARCI:

Matt was a real monste. A murderer with

his barracuda smile. Mom, Dudley took

the high blood

pressure pill. (PHONE RINGING) It's probably for you. Will you pick up

the phone, Peter? (PHONE RINGING) Hi, Peter.

It's me, Melissa. Hi, Melissa. MELISSA:

Is your wife the?

Can we talk? Yeah, just a second.

It's Melissa. Hello?

(DIAL TONE) That was deliberate. I'm gonna go

to the police. I'm gonna try

to find this girl. Okay, what do you want?

Do you want a divorce? Uh, no. No, thank you.

Excuse me. Bill, Bill! Yeah, Marci? Peter's twin brother

went into the closet twice

instead of the bathroom and sat at the wrong seat

at the table and Dudley took

the high blood pressure pill. You remember when

you were on your

sci-fi kick, Marci? And you thought

the house in Oakland

was a landing spot for those creatures

from the planet Arkanon? It wasn't a landing

spot. It was where

they came to meet. Do you know the reason

that I never saw the

Arkanese space invaders? You really know

the real reason

that I never saw them? Why? Because I am from

the planet Arkanon. I am Arkanese,

and my mission is... No!

To tickle Marci! I am the official

Arkanese Marci tickler. You see? You see? He killed him.

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