Out to Sea Page #2

- Your cabin stewards are happy to

meet any special needs.

- So do not hesitate to ask for their assistance.

- Boy, oh, boy.

And please note, there will be a compulsory

lifeboat drill today at 5:30 p.m.

Oh, Mr. Leu.

Back again.

Nice to see you

and the lovely Mrs...

Oh, no. It's someone else,

isn't it? Hello!

I'd like you to meet

my dance hosts... Mac...

- Jonathan.

- Come on!

Please report

to the purser's desk. Mr. Dunbar...

Herbie, listen to me. I wanted

to tell you something before you...

- Herbie...

- Oh, wow.!

I tell you something, Charlie.

When they say "deluxe accommodations,"

they mean deluxe.

Yeah, well, Herbie, "deluxe"

can mean several different things.

For example, in a diner, deluxe means

"comes with french fries. "

- Come on.

- This is it. Oh, Ma!

This is gorgeous!

What a suite. Oh!

- Hi.!

- Hello, ladies.

I want those small pieces in the bedroom.

Who the hell are you?

- Lizzy!

- What, Ma?

Get a load of slouchy here.

What, does he come with the stateroom?

Ma! Where's your hospitality?

Now, listen!

I have been on a plane for three hours.

I have been in a taxi cab

for an hour and a half.

I need to take a crap and a nap,

and I do not need an audience.

- Sounds like a party we can miss.

- We'll see you later, ladies.

Bye now.

Oh, boy. Did you see the chassis

on that broad?

I'll bet she's worth

a few mil.

This must be wrong. I mean,

why would they have us way down here?

I like it down here. Gives us a chance

to get away from the commotion up top.

What, like the other

passengers and the view? This is us.

Listen to me. I've been meaning

to tell you something.

Before you go into the room,

Herbie, please listen to me.

- Cozy, isn't it?

- It's what? Cozy?

A good fart will

give you a concussion.

Needs a little daylight.

Herb, this is the best possible thing

that could've happened.

Gee, I can't wait

to hear why.

- As dance hosts, it's actually our job...

- What?

- To flirt with all the classy broads.

- Our job? Dance hosts?

Yeah, that's how I was able

to afford the tickets.

Instead of paying for the cruise,

I signed us up as dance hosts.

- So the cruise is free.

- What do you mean it's free, you idiot?

- We're workin' here!

- We're not workin'.

We're dancing and cavorting.

Oh, you moron. You don't even

know how to dance.

Well, that's why

I brought you here.

Oh. Perhaps we're interrupting

you gentlemen at a bad time.

Welcome aboard.

We're gonna be sharing the bathroom.

This is Jonathan Deveraux.

I'm Mac Vela, U.S.M.C., retired.

- I'll be your liaison to the C.D.

- The what "D"?

Cruise director.

Gil Godwyn.

Oh, it's too bad you got Gil

for your first gig.

- He's a real prick.

- Control freak.

- Friggin' Nazi.

- Classic megalomaniac.

Not a nice man.

Well, if you have

any questions, feel free.

I got one question.

What's the fastest route off this ship?

Excuse me.

- Hiya.

- Hello.

- Okay, Chief. Let's pull the gangway in.

- Take in the gangway, Captain.

All visitors should

now be ashore. Last call, please.

All visitors

should now be ashore.

Pardon me!

Ohh!

Oh, my God.

Sir, are you okay?

- Yeah, I think.

- There you go. You sure?

Thank you. Yeah.

- God, that's embarrassing.

- Only for you.

- Oh, my God!

- What?

The ship's moving.

- Ships are known to do that.

- Wait a minute! I need that gangplank!

Please.! Hello.! Somebody.!

I gotta use that sucker.!

L... I've gotta...

Hello.!

Where the hell did they go

with my luggage?

Oh, God Almighty. Thank you very much.

What's the matter with you?

- You got a problem?

- Not really.

L- I always cry at sailings.

They're so romantic.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Please join your cruise

staffby the Lido Pool...

on the upper promenade deck aft

for the gala sail-away fiesta.

Meet your cruise director and enjoy

the music and drinks and prizes.

Herbie.

Herbie, I know you're upset now,

but in a few days...

you'll be thanking me.

Listen, Charlie.

What is in this for you?

Now, tell me, and no sh*t

because I'm too tired.

Okay, fine. You remember

my old pal Tony? Tony.

- Anthony Caldoni?

- Yeah.

The mail fraud guy.

First of all,

those charges were dropped.

But more importantly,

guess what he's doing today?

I don't give a rat's ass.

He's married to one

of the richest broads in Palm Beach.

And guess how they met?

One, two, cha-cha-cha.

- One, two...

- No way, Jose.

Just wake me up at the first port of call.

That's where I'm gettin' off.

- I hate to see you do this, Herbie.

- Why is that, Charles?

Because if you don't dance,

you lose your employee status...

and that means you gotta pay for the whole

cruise... that's 2,500 smackaroonies.

You son of a b*tch! You're the one

who should be paying.

Will the dance hosts

please report to the main ballroom.

Herbie, they're playing our song.

Ahem.!

Very nice hair.

Right.

Nails. Cut 'em. Uh!

Let me. Thank you.

Excellent, Mac.

Jonathan, clip the ear hair.

- I beg your pardon?

- Ear hair!

I'm very skeptical of dance hosts

who can't keep time.

- Mister...

- Me? Sullivan, Herb.

- Uh, and that's Gordon, Charles.

- Lovely.

Sorry we were late, but,

uh, it's a very big boat.

This boat... happens to be

the flagship vessel...

of the world's premiere cruise line,

and I am the cruise director.

Sir, yes, sir!

I've a feeling you two

are going to be trouble.

- Oh...

- No. We're pussycats.

For your sake,

I hope...

Is that cologne

or Armor All?

That's close, close. It's cologne,

but I bought it at a gas station.

I've got my eye on you.

You're not so bad yourself.

All right.

Gentlemen, we're

30 seconds from intros.

Now, remember that you

are the representatives of this ship...

and will, at all times, behave

in a manner appropriate thereto.

You will be courteous

and respectful at all times.

When the music stops, you will

escort your partner back to her seat.

And above all, you will not

fraternize privately...

with the guests

at any time.

- Uh, no.

- If you do, it's grounds for immediate dismissal.

Permission to speak, sir.

Denied. Mac, mike.

- Who's Mac Mike?

- I don't know.

Ohh, yes!

Ladies and gentlemen,

the M. S. Westerdam proudly presents...

your cruise director...

the very talented...

Mr. Gil Godwyn!

Thank you!

Can't believe it. The man

actually opens for himself.

Thank you so very much.

Aren't they absolutely marvelous?

Thank you. Thank you.

- Very good. Very good.

- Thank you.

- Very good. Very good.

- Magnificent.

Moving experience.

Thank you so much.

You're too kind, really.

Thank you, girls.

What could his parents

have possibly done to him?

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to introduce our dance hosts.

Here they are... Mac,

Jonathan, Phil...

- How do you like him?

- Oh, he's too short.

Julio...

- Bobby, Scott,

- Me! Me!

Herb and Ch... Ch...

Ch... Charlie!

Charlie!

Hey, Charlie.

Charlie.

- That guy Herb is cute, huh?

- Mm-hmm.

Well, let's get 'em while they're hot.

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