P.S. I Love You Page #3

- Like the only lonely widow in Gotham City.

I'm just... exhausted.

Yeah, well, what are you doing,

two shows a night?

You know, if you want us to leave,

that's fine...

...but you do know that at some point,

this all has to stop.

All right.

Just give me a second, okay?

I'll get cleaned up.

- Okay, troops, let's sweep the area.

- Yes.

I haven't called the office. Are they mad?

Nah. There's no rush.

Even Larry said, "Take all the time you

need. The job is there when you're ready."

That was nice of him.

- He's an a**hole.

- He's still an a**hole.

Do you think it'll be all right

if I stop my life right here?

Become the Miss Havisham

of the Lower East Side.

Never leave my apartment till I'm old.

- Sit in my wedding dress.

- Which you never had.

- With an old piece of wedding cake.

- Which you never had.

You gotta be rich to be insane, Hol.

Losing your mind

is not a luxury for the middle class.

I'll get it.

- That's so not fair.

No, it's not.

Holly? Something's been delivered for you.

What is this?

- I don't understand. Did you do this?

- No.

Wait a minute.

- John, tell me the truth. Did you do this?

- No. I did nothing, I swear.

Hey, baby. Surprise.

I know this probably feels

a little bit morbid...

...but I just hate the idea

that I'm not gonna be there...

...to see you freak out over turning 30.

I mean, it kills me not to be there.

Heh-heh. That's funny.

- No, it's not.

- Okay. No, it's not.

You're gonna be so impressed.

I have a plan, baby. Can you believe it?

I've written you letters. Letters that

will be coming to you all sorts of ways.

I waited till your birthday. I figured

you weren't stepping out of the house...

...for a while. Letter number one

will be arriving tomorrow.

Now, you must do what I say, okay?

Okay?

Don't try to figure out

how the letters are coming.

It's too brilliant and it'll ruin my plan.

Just go along with me on this.

Because the thing is,

I just can't say goodbye yet.

So for starters...

...I want you to get dolled up,

and just go out and celebrate tonight.

Go out with your girlies.

I hereby free you from a party with

your family, especially your mom.

Oh, man, your mom's there, isn't she?

Mm. Sh*t.

Sorry, Patricia.

It isn't that I don't love you...

...but she needs to get a little crazy.

So have a slice of the bloody cake...

...put on your dress

and get out of the apartment.

- Denise, make a plan.

- I'm on it!

- I'll help.

- Just leave me with John, okay?

And know that wherever I am,

I'm missing you.

Happy birthday.

I love you.

- Come on.

- Look, it's a private gay club.

Yes, but we are on the list.

My colorist called and he's gay.

Gay colorist in New York?

Like sand on the beach.

Listen, Crystal. Don't mess with her.

- He's a very good colorist.

- Uh-huh.

And she's the princess of Finland.

And she's here on matters

of critical political importance.

And she's here to extend

the hand of friendship from Finland...

...to homosexuals...

That's us!

...throughout the tri-city area.

What?

Thanks.

Great. You're fired.

Okay. "Snaps" is the name of the game.

The name of the game is "Snaps."

Make sure you pay attention.

Ready?

Have you got it?

Mariah Carey?

I don't get it.

- Paul.

- God, he's been dead, like what?

- Fifteen years.

- Unbelievable.

- Can you believe that?

- You remember Steve?

Steve was so sweet.

He was a good guy.

- Honey, don't be so Miss Doom and Gloom.

- You'll be fine.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

"Snaps" is the name of the game.

The name of the game is "Snaps."

- Do you hear me?

- Yeah.

Ready? Keep looking.

Derek Jeter!

- Come on. No.

- How?

This is a stupid game.

Sorry.

What are you doing?

Trying to figure out

why God killed my husband.

Well, if you need any help with that,

let me know.

- Ow!

- Sorry. Heh.

- Daniel?

- Yeah.

So why do you think?

Your husband died?

Maybe you're being punished

for something.

- What?

- Being too happy? Too beautiful?

I don't know.

God can be a pretty jealous guy.

I don't believe that. I've never been

too happy. I'm not too beautiful.

I think you're hot.

Sorry, I have a syndrome.

I don't really have a filter.

I don't pick up on social cues.

You mean you're rude?

Yeah, but now it's a disease

I can take medication for.

They have pills for rudeness?

I know. And they can't figure out

the Middle East. Go figure.

Hey, you're Irish.

Maybe it's an Irish curse or something.

Well, Gerry and I did love the Yankees...

...which was pretty much

against our religion.

Well, there you go.

That explains a lot, actually. I love the

Yankees too, and I lost my fiance last year.

Really?

Yeah, she slept with my best friend.

She left me.

Oh...

My best friend was a woman.

Oh.

Her last words to me were, "I'd still

be with you if you weren't a man."

And I'm like:

"Well, castrating me is definitely the first

step toward achieving that particular goal."

It's still my fault. I introduced them.

I always had this fantasy about making

love to two women at the same time.

Except in my fantasy, I was still

in the bed for the second and third time.

- Sorry.

- Then this'll make you feel great.

The best friend that my ex-fiance slept

with was my ex-ex-fiance...

...and she was my business partner, and

we started the business with my money.

So I ended up losing the business,

my partner and my fiance.

How'd you get over that?

I went through, like,

a major hooker phase all year.

But that didn't help.

No, it helped a lot.

I just started to run out of money.

It's actually a lot cheaper to date.

Do you think that you're gonna ever find

another woman to love?

No.

No, I think I repel

the women that I want the most.

That's not true.

No?

No?

Thank you, Daniel.

You can start closing up downstairs.

Right.

What do you want?

- Oh, good. A friendly voice.

Oh.

What happened last night?

Lemon drops and tequila, my friend.

The moment where a 30-year-old body

does not recover quite as fast...

...as a 29-year-old body.

Stop screaming at me.

- Are you working?

- Hell, no.

But I told him we're gonna start next

week. We'll go out starting Monday.

- Is that okay?

- No, I was planning on...

...staying in bed and dying today.

Well, you can't.

You gotta go check the mailbox,

remember?

Call me immediately.

Save yourself bruises

and buy yourself a bedside lamp.

And remember, a disco diva

must look her best.

Go buy yourself a knock-out outfit. You'll

need it for when my next letter comes.

Need it for what?

And I know you hate your job,

but I'll help.

Look for a sign. You'll know what to do.

P.S. I love you.

I still know you're around.

You're still here, aren't you?

So who lived here before?

A family. They're having another baby.

So do you have any children?

Three. Girls. Teenagers.

That's nice.

Uh-huh.

Ted, Sharon says there's

another offer on the table...

...and we have to move on this.

I think if you offer another

hundred grand, they'll back down.

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