Paddington 2 Page #6

to meet you all.

I must say, it's

a great relief to know that

Paddington's already made

such sweet friends.

Would you excuse us a moment?

- What are you doing?

- Talking to the nice men.

"Nice men"? Mary,

we can't trust these people.

I mean, look at them.

Talk about a rogues' gallery.

Hideous.

And as for that bearded baboon

in the middle,

he's hardly got two brain

cells to rub together.

We can still hear you,

Mr. Brown.

(ALL AGREEING)

That was the light

you turned off.

The microphone is on

the other side.

It's got "microphone"

written on it.

Gentlemen, if I have

offended you in any way...

KNUCKLES:

Don't worry about it.

We're fond of

the little fella.

And let's face it,

if anyone can recognize

a criminal gang, it's us.

(ALL AGREEING)

We'd be grateful for any help.

Please.

Well? Knuckles.

I'm afraid I don't recognize

any of them. Lads?

ALL:
No.

I'm afraid

I couldn't possibly comment.

Oh.

KNUCKLES:

Sorry to say it, kid,

but your friends are barking

up the wrong tree.

A nun, a beefeater and a king?

Sounds more like a fancy dress

party than a criminal gang.

PADDINGTON:
Then,

what are we going to

do now?

- (BICYCLE BELL RINGS)

- Oh!

- Watch where you're going.

- So sorry. Sorry.

Sorry, I get grumpy

when I haven't had breakfast.

Keys. Keys. Keys!

Bottoms!

You can't park here!

I'm not parked,

I'm doing the bins.

You're not doing the bins,

sunshine,

you're studying

on council time.

I'm gonna report you.

And your hat.

- Morning, Miss Kitts, Colonel.

- Oh, morning, Mrs Brown.

Judy asked me

to drop these off to you.

CURRY:
Propaganda!

You are wasting your time

trying to peddle that rubbish.

Everyone round here knows

it was your bear that done it.

And this street is a far,

far better place without him.

- What?

- (WOLFIE BARKING)

Oh, it's that mangy dog!

You are going to the pound,

my son.

Barking without a license

in a built-up area.

Give them here, Mary.

I have to sell them

under the counter,

for obvious reasons,

but people are buying them.

Really?

It's a bloomin' good read.

Made a few people round here

think twice

about your young bear.

You just need to find

that thief.

Oh, we're trying.

Don't suppose you know where

he is, do you, Feathers?

He's behind you.

Sorry, what?

PHOENIX:
Coo-eee!

- Mary?

- Oh, hello, Phoenix.

Why don't you come on in?

I want to hear all about

the investigation. Yeah?

Mysterious things have been

happening all over town.

- Oh, yes?

- Strange characters

turning up at every landmark

in that book.

Are they?

I don't know.

Perhaps

it's just a coincidence.

Henry says I let my imagination

get the better of me.

Well, you're an artist, Mary,

like me.

Our imaginations run free

like bison upon the plain.

But can I just say,

in this particular case,

I think dear old Henry might

have a point.

Do you?

But I do have a little bit

of good news

that might turn your frown

upside down.

Oh, yes?

It looks, fingers,

fingers, fingers,

as though the funding

may be coming through

for my one-man show.

Oh. Right.

It's an evening of monologue

and song,

featuring some of

my better known characters.

Would you like

a little preview?

Um...

Picture this scene. Darkness,

then suddenly spotlight, me,

ping!

Listen to

the rain on the roof

go pit pitty pat,

pit pitty pat sit...

Oh, Mary, you look sad.

You don't like musicals?

No. No, no, no.

I suppose

it seems so unfair

Paddington is in prison

and yet

- life carries on.

- Oh, I know.

It must be so hard to accept

that he won,

that man with the dazzling

blue eyes. (CLICKS TONGUE)

(SIGHS)

I beg your pardon?

The man in the poster.

Your wonderful drawing.

Yes, but... how do you know

he had blue eyes?

Hmm?

It's just a pencil sketch.

Ooh.

Well, then I must have

colored him in. (CHUCKLES)

HENRY:
Phoenix Buchanan?

He's a master of disguise.

- She's gone mad.

- MARY:
Think about it, Henry.

Someone out there knows about

the Kozlova fortune, right?

Alleged fortune.

And Knuckles said we weren't

looking for a criminal gang.

Knuckles?

- Because there was no gang.

- It was one man.

Feathers knew all along.

- Feathers? Who's Feathers?

- Hmm?

The parrot at the newsstand?

No...

Can we just return

to Planet Earth for a moment?

Phoenix Buchanan is

a highly respected,

award-winning actor,

and a member of

our Platinum club.

- He is not a petty thief.

- Hang on a minute, Henry.

But let's just assume

I'm wrong, shall we?

Okay.

And that the fortune-teller,

career criminal

and parrot are right.

May I remind you that you

don't actually have any proof.

Now, if anyone wants me,

I shall be putting up posters.

He's right.

MRS. BIRD:

Well, I believe you, Mary.

Actors are some of

the most evil, devious people

on the planet.

- Are they?

- They lie for a living.

Crikey.

- If we're gonna catch one...

- Yes?

...we're gonna need

a foolproof plan.

- (KNOCKING ON METAL)

- Hmm?

- KNUCKLES:
Paddington?

- Oh.

KNUCKLES:
Paddington.

Knuckles?

KNUCKLES:
Got a proposition

for you, kid.

Me and the boys have

been talking, and

seems to us,

if you're gonna clear

your name,

you're gonna need our help.

The Browns may mean well,

but...

It takes a thief

to catch a thief.

Oh.

KNUCKLES:
Now, if we could

figure a way out of here

and hit the streets,

we'd find this guy

soon enough.

But that would mean... escape.

KNUCKLES:
It certainly would.

And we got a plan.

But it's a four-man job,

so we need your help.

What do you say, kid?

It's very kind of you,

Knuckles,

but I don't think

Aunt Lucy would like

the idea of us breaking out

of prison.

The Browns will find

the real thief.

I just need to be patient.

You may not wanna hear this,

kid,

but sooner or later

the Browns, well,

they'll forget you.

PHIBS:
They always do.

SPOON:
They'll miss one visit.

Then two.

KNUCKLES:

Before you know it,

you won't have a home

to go back to.

You're wrong, Knuckles.

You're all wrong.

The Browns aren't like that.

They'll come tomorrow

and they'll have good news,

you'll see.

WOMAN:
(ON INTERCOM) Hello?

It's Judy Brown

from the Portobello Express.

Come in.

So what's this for, darlings?

School newspaper?

Yes. We thought the agent

of the Phoenix Buchanan

would be really interesting.

And you'd be right.

But I've got two minutes,

so we better make it snappy.

And I've only given you that

because you've brought

breakfast.

Nice buns, by the way.

Here he comes.

- Hello, Joe. What a surprise.

- (JOE CHUCKLES)

What are you doing here?

JOE:
Oh, you know,

posting letters.

How's Paddington?

Oh, he's a tough wee bear.

Yeah, he is.

Well, send him my best.

Yes, I will.

Thank you, Joe. Bye-bye.

Mr. Buchanan.

So, when can we expect to see

Mr. Buchanan back on stage?

Phoenix? Oh, I wouldn't

hold your breath, darling.

(CHUCKLES) No, no, no,

don't get me wrong.

He's a terrific actor,

but there is a teensy

little problem.

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