Paint Your Wagon Page #3

He's a girl, you bummer!

Would anyone else

care to hold the baby?

Not now, Jacob.

Just where are you people from?

Illinois, originally.

I'm Jacob Woodling.

This is my wife Sarah.

And who might

this fine young lady be?

Her name is Elizabeth Woodling.

-Your sister?

-No. My wife.

Your wife?

I thought that one was your wife.

-They both are.

-Holy Moses! They're Mormons!

-Du lieber himmel!

-Nice work, old man!

Can we get something

to eat over there?

With $50, you can, sir.

Uh, follow me.

What the hell is a Mormons?

Aah!

Hey, bridegroom,

I don't give a damn how a man prays.

There's room in hell for all of us,

but it just ain't equitable, man,

for you to be having two of

something all of us got none of.

Yeah! Yeah!

So I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

Your mule's lame,

and I got a beauty that cost me $140.

I'll swap you straight...

my mule for one of your wives.

Now... which one's baby's mother?

God knows I wouldn't want

to separate mother and child.

I am.

Good. I fancied t'other one, I did.

-This is immoral.

-I hope so!

-The woman's married.

-No, she's not!

We don't recognise plural marriage

in California.

Then I bid $250 in gold for her.

-260!

-265!

Wait! You can't buy

a woman for money.

Try and get one without it.

All right, what about it, Mormons?

Jacob, we need every penny,

and I can't bear another day

of those martyred looks.

There it is again.

This ain't a martyred look, Sarah.

This look is pure...

hatred.

Quiet!

Brigham Young has 27 wives,

and he hasn't had half the trouble

with them I've had had with you two.

Then simplify your life, Jacob.

Sell me.

But, Elizabeth,

you don't know what you'll get.

I know what I've had.

-Go ahead, Jacob.

-Gentlemen...

out here...

I ain't a Mormon.

Now, Elizabeth

is a headstrong woman,

especially since

her own baby died two weeks ago,

but she's given

her consent to be sold.

Therefore, if any of you

want to bid for her, so be it.

But...

let's go outside...

where there's room for more people.

Ooh! But these religious dogs

are bloody greedy!

Ah, come on! Come on!

You wait here and feed the baby.

It's not proper,

you standing on a block.

If anyone wants to inspect you

I'll send them in.

Order! Order!

I intend to conduct this auction

in an orderly manner!

And no bids in Spanish.

The last bid was $265

and two blankets.

$265, two blankets and a jackass!

A two-pound sack of coffee,

a two-pound sack of brown sugar...

Holbrook, even if she is bought,

how will she marry who bought her?

She'll be married according to the

prevailing law of this community,

which is mining law,

and she will be treated

like any other legal claim!

Order! Order! Order!

Order! The man bids $275,

four blankets, one pickaxe,

and a bedpan.

Hey, Mooney...

Mooney, there's a woman in the saloon

with a baby

pressed against her breast.

That's right.

Wait. It ain't every day

that we got a woman in Atwell's

-pressing her breast with her baby.

-That's right, Ben.

-Clendennon...

-Shh!

There's a woman in Atwell's

pressing her breast to the saloon.

I know, Ben,

and we're bidding for her.

Sam Fletcher bids $300,

four blankets...

Ben, where you going?

There's a breast in Atwell's

pressing a woman against her.

-You better stay here.

-Huh?

Look! There's another one!

Well, he's a Mormon.

He has two wives.

-I'll kill him.

-Ben, they're bidding on her now.

Whatever the bid is...

whatever the bid is, I double it!

Ohh!

$400 was bid last!

Mr Ben Rumson gallantly

doubles that bid to $800!

800 once...

Wait! I'm his pardner,

and he withdraws the bid.

-You have power of attorney?

-Power of what?

Written permission,

signed and witnessed.

If he could do that,

he'd talk for himself.

800 twice!

Wake up, Ben. Come on.

Sold to Mr Ben Rumson for $800!

He only looks that way

when he's drunk, ma'am.

You ain't exactly

seein' him at his best,

but once I get him

washed down and clipped,

I think you'll be

agreeably surprised.

# Get the soap and water

whoop-ti-ay

# Get the soap and water

whoop-ti-ay

# Got a sweet perfumer

# To try his humour

# It's Ben's weddin' day

# Wash him down and clip him

whoop-ti-ay

# Wash him down and clip him

whoop-ti-ay

# He's got a blue-eyed wonder

to put him under

# It's his weddin', yeah!

# Ben's weddin', woo!

Ben's weddin' day #

# Where am I goin'?

# I don't know

# Where am I headin'?

# I ain't certain

# All I know is I am on my way

# Amen #

Dearly beloved,

we have gathered together

to grant this man, Ben Rumson,

exclusive title to this woman,

Mrs Elizabeth Woodling,

and to all her mineral resources.

I have drawn up this record of claim,

which here and henceforth

will be recognised

as a certificate of marriage.

So I ask you, Ben,

do you recognise this claim

as a contract of marriage,

and do you take this woman

to love, honour and cherish?

Oh, he does.

Elizabeth Woodling,

do you take this man, Ben Rumson,

to love, honour, and obey him

until death do you part?

She does.

I now pronounce you

claimed and filed

as Mr and Mrs Ben Rumson.

# Mr Rumson went to town

# Ridin' on a pony

# Bought a wife and brought her home

and called it matrimony #

# Mr Rumson bought a bride

# Out in Californy

# He'd have saved a lot of money

# Stayin' drunk and horny #

# Oh, Susannah,

he's happy as can be

# For he's got him somethin' better

# Than a banjo on his knee #

# Rumson, he got married today

# Married today, married today

# Rumson, he got married today

# What'll he do tomorrow? #

Hey, Ben! I'll be glad

to help you work your claim!

I'll be bedding down

by the fire if you need me.

You'll not regret taking me in,

Mr Rumson.

I'll make you a good wife.

You sure as hell will.

I don't fault you

for taking me for an easy woman.

I was bought and paid for.

But you bought me for a wife,

not a whore.

If you come again at me again like

a slavering dog, I'll shoot you!

Watch where you point that thing.

You'd blow my manhood

halfway to the moon.

I mean to make you a good wife and

honour this contract of marriage,

but only if you

will honour it as well.

I don't know what

you mean by honour it.

I know your sort of man, Mr Rumson.

My father was the same sort,

born under a wandering star.

I ain't fool enough to bond you

with all the tyrannies of marriage.

All I want is your name, Mr Rumson,

and the least measure

of respect due to a man's wife.

But... most of all...

I want you to build me a cabin.

A cabin... that'll stand up

in winter with a fireplace of stone

and a door I can bolt if I have to.

And if you do that,

I will say

you have honoured the contract.

But if you regret having bought me,

Mr Rumson, say so now.

And if I have to work forever,

I'll see you get your $800 back.

I admire your pioneer spirit and

your straightforward manner, ma'am.

Is that what you've been admiring?

I've been admiring you, ma'am.

All right, I'll build you a cabin,

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