Pants on Fire Page #2

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PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

FOR YOUR HOMETOWN HERO

AND FUTURE ALL-STAR

RED SOX BAT BOY...

JACK PARKER-R-R-R!

[CROWD ROARING,

FIREWORKS POPPING]

UH, JACK?

OH! UH...

I MEAN, IF I WERE TO WIN,

THEN THAT'S WHAT I WOULD CHOOSE,

YOU KNOW.

BUT-- [SIGHS]

IT'S JUST AN HONOR

TO BE NOMINATED.

OH, JACK!

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!

OH...

MOM, I LIVE

TO MAKE YOU PROUD.

[JACK CHUCKLES]

SO, UH, WHY

ARE YOU PROUD OF ME?

YOUR PRINCIPAL CALLED.

YOU'RE ONE OF THE FIVE FINALISTS

FOR "STUDENT OF THE YEAR"!

OH... THAT.

NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED. NEVER.

LIKE, EVER.

NEVER EVER. EVER.

NEVER?

EVER.

YOU HAVE GIVEN:

SO MUCH TO THAT MIKEY.

YOU DESERVE THIS AWARD.

AND I KNOW:

WHERE WE'RE GONNA PUT IT!

RIGHT HERE,

SO EVERYONE CAN SEE IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE I DO DESERVE IT.

SPEAKING OF DOING

SOMETHING GOOD--

I NEED ONE OF YOU

TO HELP ME CLEAN OU THE GARAGE TODAY.

I THINK A POSSUM

DIED IN THERE.

PLACE IS GETTING

PRETTY RIPE.

WELL, I CAN'T DO IT.

NICK'S TAKING ME TO DINNER

AT THE WIENER PALACE

FOR OUR THREE-WEEK ANNIVERSARY.

HOW 'BOUT IT, SPORT?

OH, DAD, YOU KNOW

THAT I WOULD LOVE

TO SPEND:

SOME QUALITY BONDING TIME

SEARCHING FOR A ROTTING

MARSUPIAL CORPSE WITH YOU.

YOU KNOW I WOULD!

[SIGHS]

BUT MIKEY HAS A CHEM TEST,

AND I PROMISED HIM

THAT WE'D STUDY.

YOU HELP THAT MIKEY.

HE NEEDS YOU.

HANNAH CAN:

HELP YOUR FATHER.

BUT MY ANNIVERSARY--

SWEETIE, THREE WEEKS

IS NOT AN ANNIVERSARY.

BUT--

HANNAH, YOU ARE THE BEST.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU:

ARE THE REASON:

THAT PEOPLE LIKE ME

GET NOMINATED FOR AWARDS.

THANK YOU.

[]

AH. OKAY.

RIGHT!

LOOKING GOOD, SIS.

BROTHERS.

HAPPY HUNTING.

ALRIGHT, SWEETHEART.

IF YOU FIND THE POSSUM

AND IT ISN'T MOVING,

IT COULD JUS BE PLAYING POSSUM.

OR IT'S DEAD

FROM RABIES.

GROSS.

EITHER WAY,

DON'T TOUCH IT.

USE THIS POSSUM CLUB.

EW, I THINK I FOUND IT!

GET THE TRASH BAG!

OH, IT'S ALIVE!

IT'S ALIVE

AND I THINK IT HATES ME!

USE THE CLUB!

USE THE POSSUM CLUB!

IT'S A BROOM, DAD!

[GRUNTS]

LOOK, YOUR SHOW

IS THE NUMBER-ONE

WEEKLY ANNOUNCEMENT SHOW

IN THIS SCHOOL--

IT'S THE ONLY

WEEKLY ANNOUNCEMENT SHOW

IN THIS SCHOOL.

IT'S STILL NUMBER ONE!

OKAY? POINT IS--

I TELL ONE MORE:

KILLER MIKEY STORY ON AIR,

AND I HAVE THAT "STUDEN OF THE YEAR" AWARD LOCKED.

YEAH, BUT TELLING EVERYONE

YOU HELD A BOTTLE DRIVE

TO RAISE MONEY:

TO BUY A BIONIC TAIL

TO SAVE:

MIKEY'S SICK DOG?

I MEAN, MAYBE

YOU'RE GOING TOO BIG.

NO, THIS IS

THE TIME TO GO BIG.

IT'S THE BOTTOM OF THE NINTH.

I GOTTA SWING FOR THE FENCES.

MAYBE I SHOULD GO BIGGER.

[SNAPS] WHAT IF...

ITS TAIL SHOOTS LASERS?

THAT'D BE AWESOME.

A LITTLE:

TOO BIG, BUDDY.

BUT I LIKE WHERE

YOUR HEAD'S AT.

I'M STICKING WITH

THE REGULAR BIONIC TAIL.

I'M INSPIRED

JUST THINKING OF IT.

HEY, JACK.

OH, HI! UH--

JEN...

...NIFER.

HOW'S, EH...?

HI.

YOU CAN'T TALK TO HER.

OH. NO, REALLY?

THANKS FOR RUBBING IT IN.

I'M DYING HERE!

NO, I MEAN,

YOU CAN'T TALK TO HER.

LISA WILL FREAK OUT!

LISA?

YOUR SUPER-POSSESSIVE

GIRLFRIEND FROM ARIZONA?

OH. OH, RIGHT.

OKAY, I'LL GE RID OF HER,

AND THEN I'LL MEE YOU IN THE STUDIO.

OKAY.

HEY, LISTEN, I JUST WANTED

TO CONGRATULATE YOU

ON THE WHOLE STUDENT OF THE YEAR

NOMINATION.

IT'S SO COOL WHA YOU'VE BEEN DOING FOR MIKEY.

THANKS. HEH. YOU.

NO, THANK-- THANK YOU

IS WHAT I MEANT TO SAY.

OH, BOY. UH...

LISTEN, I'M SORRY.

I'M REALLY NERVOUS.

I DON'T LIKE

ALL THIS ATTENTION.

YEAH.

I'M THAT WAY, TOO.

[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]

UM, SO CAITLIN IS HAVING

A POOL PARTY THIS WEEKEND,

AND I WAS THINKING...

MAYBE YOU, RYAN AND ERIC

MIGHT WANT TO COME TO IT?

S-SERIOUSLY?

I MEAN, UH, SERIOUSLY?

CAITLIN HAS A-- HAS A POOL

IN THIS CLIMATE?

THAT'S AN AWFUL LOT OF WORK.

YOU GOTTA GOTTA DRAIN I IN THE WINTER.

BUT YEAH, NO, NO THAT'D BE FUN.

WE COULD TOTALLY POOL PARTY.

[SHE LAUGHS]

COOL. WELL, UH...

GOOD LUCK IN THERE.

THANKS.

HEY!

YOU SHOULD BRING MIKEY.

YOU KNOW, I'D LOVE

TO FINALLY MEET HIM.

TOTALLY! YEAH!

OH...

HE'S TAKING HIS DOG IN

FOR A SOFTWARE UPDATE THAT DAY.

SOFTWARE UPDATE?

YOU'LL SEE.

[LAUGHS] BYE.

SO, IN CONCLUSION,

BASED ON MY EXEMPLARY

ACADEMIC PERFORMANCE,

PERFECT ATTENDANCE,

AND MY POSITION:

AS ASSISTANT MANAGER OF

THE JUNIOR VARSITY SWIM TEAM,

I BELIEVE I SHOULD BE

YOUR STUDENT OF THE YEAR.

THANK YOU.

[CANNED APPLAUSE PLAYS]

THANK YOU, STEPHANIE.

THAT WAS A LONG LIST OF THINGS

YOU JUST READ.

[FORCED CHUCKLE]

AND NOW...

IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE

TO CALL UP OUR FINAL NOMINEE--

[DRUM ROLL PLAYS]

[DRUM-ROLLING ON HIS DESK]

JACK PARKER!

HEY!

-[CHUCKLES]

-OH! HEY--

PRINCIPAL KAR.

ESTEEMED TEACHERS,

FELLOW STUDENTS...

DO I DESERVE:

STUDENT OF THE YEAR?

THAT'S NOT FOR ME

TO DECIDE.

WHAT I DO KNOW IS,

STUDENT OF THE YEAR

WAS THE FURTHEST THING

FROM MY MIND:

THE DAY:

I FINALLY RAISED ENOUGH MONEY

TO BUY MIKEY'S POOR, SICK DOG

A ROBOT TAIL.

[CANNED AUDIENCE "AW"ING

AND GUSHING]

YOU SHOULD'VE

SEEN THE LITTLE GUY...

WAGGING THAT THING.

I MEAN, HE ALMOST TOOK OFF.

[QUIETLY TO SELF]:

THIS MAN IS AN ARTIST.

I MAY NOT HAVE:

THE BEST GRADES:

OR THE PERFECT ATTENDANCE,

BUT I'M THE TYPE OF GUY

THAT'LL RAISE MONEY

TO BRING A POOR, SICK DOG'S BUT INTO THE 21ST CENTURY.

I JUST WISH...

I WISH MIKEY:

COULD BE HERE RIGHT NOW.

IT WOULD MEAN SO MUCH FOR ME

TO SHARE THIS MOMENT WITH HIM.

[SNIFFLING]

IF HE WERE HERE RIGHT NOW,

I WOULD TELL HIM--

[BOY]:
TELL ME WHAT, JACK?

WHO SAID THAT?

[BOY]:
IT'S ME!

MIKEY!

[]

MIKEY?

NO!

[CANNED APPLAUSE PLAYS]

MIKEY!

HEY, EVERYBODY, IT'S MIKEY!

UH-H-H-H...

W-- YOU'RE HERE.

'COURSE I'M HERE!

I'M NOT GONNA MISS MY GOOD

FRIEND'S SPECIAL DAY. NO WAY!

HOW ABOU THIS GUY?

ISN'T HE THE GREATEST?

[ALL APPLAUDING]

[TENSE SIGH]

OKAY!

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M MIKEY!

NO. NO, NO, NO. NO, NO. NO.

NO.

YES. YES, YES, YES.

YES, YES. YES, YES.

YES.

THA-- THAT CAN'T BE.

I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOU

BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

OF COURSE YOU HAVE.

JUST CHECK US OUT ON

"FACES AND FRIENDS."

WHA--

NO. OKAY, IT CAN'T BE.

IT SURE CAN.

DUDE!

OH... DUDE.

I'M SURE I HAVE YOU TO THANK

FOR THIS LITTLE PRANK.

ME? NO. I DON'T HAVE

THE LEVEL OF COMMITMEN TO TAKE ON

SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

AND I THINK:

IT'S A STEP ABOVE

ERIC'S CAPACITY FOR

PLANNING AND EXECUTION.

IS HE REAL?

AM I REAL?

IS ANYTHING REAL?

YOU MUST BE RYAN.

JACK'S TRIED-AND-TRUE

BEST FRIEND.

THE KIND OF GUY:

THAT'D GIVE YOU

THE UNDERWEAR:

OFF HIS BUT IF YOU NEEDED 'EM.

AW, DUDE! YOU TOLD

HIM ABOUT THAT?

THAT WAS A SECRET.

IT IS A SECRET!

WELL, OBVIOUSLY,

IT ISN'T!

I THOUGH YOU MADE MIKEY UP!

I DID MAKE HIM UP.

WELL, THEN WHO'S TALKING

TO ERIC OVER THERE?

A QUARTER?

CHECK THE OTHER EAR.

CHECK THE OTHER EAR!

LOVIN' ME SOME ERIC.

I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET JEN

AND ALL YOUR OTHER FRIENDS!

[SIGHS] MAN.

IF HE STARTS:

TALKING TO EVERYONE,

I WON'T WIN

STUDENT OF THE YEAR.

I WON'T GET TO GO TO FENWAY,

AND FORGET ABOUT HANGING

WITH DANNY KOSTAS.

MAN, WE'VE GOT TO GET RID OF--

OH!

JACKIE!

[GASPS] OH!

I MISSED YOU SO MUCH,

JACKIE, BOO-BOO BEAR!

WHO ARE YOU?

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