Pants on Fire Page #3

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I'M LISA,

YOU SILLY GOOSE.

OH! THIS IS LISA!

YOUR GIRLFRIEND!

-FROM ARIZONA.

-COOL.

NO! NOT COOL.

IT'S NOT REAL.

I MADE IT UP.

THERE'S NO ARIZONA?

I KNEW THE GRAND CANYON

WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!

WAIT! YOU MADE UP

A FAKE GIRLFRIEND?

YOU LIED TO US?

I AM NOT FAKE!

SEE WHAT I MADE:

FOR YOU, SNOOKUMS?

[]

DUDE?

ON IT.

HEY... JEN. [CHUCKLES]

UH... I'VE BEEN MEANING

TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.

OKAY, OKAY.

UH, WHY ARE YOU HERE?

WHY WOULDN'T I WANT TO

SEE MY BOYFRIEND?

WHAT?

I'M NO YOUR BOYFRIEND!

ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME?

[SOBS]

AFTER I DROVE:

ALL THE WAY FROM ARIZONA?

ON A LEARNER'S PERMIT?

WOW, JACK, I'M SURPRISED!

YOU AND LISA:

ALWAYS SEEMED SO SOLID.

HMM...

I HAVE NO IDEA:

IF YOU SHOULD TAKE JAZZ OR TAP.

AND I HAVE NO IDEA

WHY YOU'VE BEEN MEANING

TO ASK ME THAT.

OKAY. JUST, UH...

TELL ME:

WHICH YOU LIKE BETTER.

THIS ISN'T EVEN REAL!

WHAT WE HAVE ISN'T REAL?

[DARKLY]:

I SEE HOW IT IS.

[ROARS]:
YOU THINK

YOU CAN JUST THROW ME AWAY,

LIKE A STALE ENCHILADA?

WELL, GIRLFRIENDS

ARE NOT ENCHILADAS, JACK!

MAYBE YOU SHOULDN' BE BREAKING UP

IN PUBLIC LIKE THIS.

WE AREN'T BREAKING UP.

WE COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE

BREAKING UP:

BECAUSE WE WERE NEVER DATING!

[STARTS WAILING]:

WAH-AH-AH!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

HOW ABOUT THIS?

[LISA WAILING LOUDLY

IN THE DISTANCE]

LET'S GO OVER HERE

WHERE NO ONE CAN SEE YOU CRYING.

[LISA WHIMPERING]

TA-DAH!

AS IMPRESSIVE:

AS THIS IS... NOT,

JUST TELL JACK THA I CAME OUT HERE TO SEE MIKEY,

BUT YOU WEIRDED ME OUT,

SO I LEFT.

OKAY.

I THINK JAZZ,

BUT...

LET ME SEE:

THE TAP AGAIN.

CALM DOWN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT GOT INTO ME.

I'M REALLY EXCITED TO SEE YOU.

I KNEW IT!

I KNEW YOU WERE THE ONE.

LET'S GET A FAMILY CELL PLAN.

THAT WAY,

OUR LOVE WILL BE FOREVER.

YEAH... LET'S DO THAT.

UH... OH! BUT I GOT SCHOOL,

SO HOW ABOUT I MEET YOU AFTER?

AFTER SCHOOL IT IS. EE!

OKAY.

OH! YOU KNOW WHAT, MIKEY?

WHY DON'T YOU GO WITH HER,

SO SHE DOESN'T GET LOST?

OH, BUT I WANTED

TO MEET--

THANKS, MAN.

YOU'RE JUST THE BEST.

DON'T KEEP ME WAITING

TOO LONG, POOKIE.

YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE

TO BE DISAPPOINTED.

[GIGGLES]

DUDE! WHAT IS HAPPENING?

WORST-CASE SCENARIO?

WORST-CASE SCENARIO!

ALL OF MY LIES:

ARE ALL COMING TRUE.

SOMEHOW, THE THINGS

THAT I MADE UP ARE REAL NOW.

WHAT? HOW? WHAT?

EXACTLY.

SO, WAIT--

IF I LIE ABOUT SOMETHING,

IT'LL COME TRUE?

I... HAVE A JET-PACK!

I MEAN, I'M NO GOING CRAZY, AM I?

AM I GOING CRAZY?

[THUD]

GUYS, IT DIDN' WORK FOR ME.

MAYBE I SHOULD TO

TRY IT FROM HIGHER.

WE CAN'T BOTH

BE GOING CRAZY.

I'M SURE THERE'S A PERFECTLY

REASONABLE EXPLANATION

FOR ALL THIS.

HAVE YOU ANGERED A GENIE?

OR, UH, STOLEN GOLD

FROM A LEPRECHAUN?

NOT THAT I'M AWARE OF.

WELL, WE NEED TO FIGURE OU HOW TO STOP THIS

BEFORE IT GETS WORSE.

"WORSE"?

HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY

GET ANY WORSE?

OH! WHY WOULD

YOU SAY THAT?

YOU NEVER SAY THAT!

ROOKIE MOVE, MAN!

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN

COME INTO OUR FOREST,

PICK A FIGHT...

AND JUST FORGET ABOUT IT?

WE DIDN'T FORGET.

LUMBERJACKS:

HAVE MEMORIES LIKE MOOSE.

MOOSE HAVE EXCELLENT MEMORIES.

DON'T TELL ME.

THE LUMBERJACKS?

FROM WHEN YOU DIDN'T BREAK

YOUR ARM AT THE BIKE PARK?

OH, OKAY. GUYS...

THERE'S NO NEED TO GET PHYSICAL.

WE CAN WORK THIS OUT!

I CAME HERE TO WEAR FLANNEL

AND KICK BUTT.

AND I ALREADY:

GOT MY FLANNELS ON!

FLANNEL IS THE FABRIC OF CHOICE

FOR LUMBERJACKIN'

BECAUSE IT CONTINUES TO INSULATE

EVEN WHEN IT'S WET.

THAT WAS:

SURPRISINGLY INFORMATIVE.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIGHT THEM.

YOU GUYS TAKE THE BIG ONE.

THEY'RE BOTH THE BIG ONE!

[ROARS]

[STOPS ROARING]

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

STURDY. HEH.

GOOD LUCK.

OKAY. I CAN BUY YOU

THREE SECONDS.

HEY, GUYS!

CAN I GET YOUR OPINION

ON SOMETHING?

[FEET TAPPING]

NO-NO-NO--

NO, OKAY. OKAY.

[RYAN YELPS]:
OOH! I DON'T THINK

THAT'S SUPPOSED TO STRETCH!

AHH--

OOH! AH!

[HIGH VOICE]:

SO MAYBE THE JAZZ, THEN?

[LUMBERJACKS GRUNTING]

[FUMING]

-PULL HARDER!

-IT'S SUCK!

YOU'D BETTER BE

COWERING IN THERE!

[GRUNTING]

[ROCK]:
COME ON, CHIP!

PUT SOME MUSCLE INTO IT.

JACK?

AHH. HI, JENNIFER.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

OH. UM, LUMBERJACKS.

I'M GOING TO PRETEND

THAT'S NOT A WEIRD ANSWER.

SO, UH, WHATCHA--

WHATCHA DOIN'?

OH, JUS TALKING TO MIKEY.

WHAT?

HEY, BUDDY.

NICE SHIRT!

A LOT OF PEOPLE CAN' PULL OFF THE SHREDDED LOOK,

BUT YOU ARE NAILIN' IT.

[SNAP]

-[ROARING]:
IT'S TIMBER-R-R-R--

-TIMBER-R-R--

[OVERLAPPING, MEEKLY]:

...TIME.

OKAY, UH, LET'S GO

STAND SOMEWHERE ELSE.

HERE THEY ARE!

OKAY.

COLUMBIAN MAPLE?

[SCOFFS]

IT'S LIKE THE GUY'S NEVER

BARRICADED A DOOR BEFORE.

[BOTH CRACKING UP]

[PLANK CLATTERS]

I TOLD YOU:

TO STAY WITH LISA.

OH, SHE GOT TIRED OF

WAITING AROUND AND TOOK OFF.

SOMETHING ABOU STAKING OUT YOUR HOUSE?

WAIT. WHO'S LISA?

OH, UH, JUST A...

OLD FRIEND FROM COLLEGE.

YOU'RE STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL.

IT WAS A SUMMER PROGRAM.

WELL, I'M GLAD

I GOT TO FINALLY MEET MIKEY.

HE'S FANTASTIC.

WHAT ARE YOU:

DOING RIGHT NOW?

YOU HAVE TO COME OVER

TO MY HOUSE.

WE HAVE:

THE CUTEST KITTY.

AW!

YOU THROW IN SOME LEMONADE,

AND YOU JUST DESCRIBED

MY PERFECT AFTERNOON.

WE'VE GOT A HUGGER!

OH, OKAY.

WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO HER?

YOU CAN'T TALK TO HER.

-WHY CAN'T I TALK TO HER?

-YEAH, WHY CAN'T HE TALK TO ME?

IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW,

YOU GUYS ARE JUS BOTH COMPLETE STRANGERS.

WE ARE NOT STRANGERS.

YOU'VE TOLD ME

SO MUCH ABOUT JENNY,

-I FEEL LIKE I ALREADY KNOW HER.

"JENNY"?

YOU TALK ABOUT ME?

PFFT. NO!

SURE HE DOES.

AND YOU ARE JUST AS BEAUTIFUL AS

JACK IS ALWAYS SAYING YOU ARE.

I NEVER TOLD SAID THAT TO YOU!

YOU DON'T THINK

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL?

OH, WHAT? [STAMMERING]

NO, I-- [SIGHING]

WILL YOU EXCUSE US FOR A SECOND?

THANK YOU.

I CAN SEE WHY:

YOU LIKE HER SO MUCH.

DUDE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU!

WILL YOU PLEASE JUST STAY AWAY

FROM HER? AND ALL MY FRIENDS!

I HAVE BIG THINGS

GOING ON THIS WEEK,

AND I CAN' HAVE YOU MESSING THEM UP!

[KID]:
HEY, LOOK!

ISN'T THAT MIKEY?

HEY!

[LAUGHTER AND CHATTER]

THEY WEDGIED ME SO HARD,

I CAN TASTE MY UNDERWEAR.

I THINK I NEED PLIERS

TO DIG THEM OUT.

[LAUGHING AND CHATTING]

THIS GUY'S

GOTTA BE A FAKE.

IF ONLY:

WE COULD PROVE IT.

MAYBE WE CAN.

WE HAVE TO DEFEAT HIM

IN THE ARENA OF THE MIND.

OKAY.

[RYAN WHIMPERING]

OH... HEY, MIKEY.

SO, YOU'VE KNOWN JACK

A WHILE NOW, HUH?

YEAH, TWO YEARS.

A TRUE FRIEND.

AREN'T FRIENDS

THE GREATEST?

YEAH.

I STILL REMEMBER

THE FIRST TIME I MET JACK.

THIRD GRADE!

SCIENCE CLASS.

OH! YEAH, YEAH.

I WAS TOTALLY BUMMED

BECAUSE, UH,

MY PET GOLDFISH:

HAD JUST DIED.

UH, "LADYBUG."

AND RYAN HELPED ME

FLUSH HIM.

THAT'S JUST WHAT FRIENDS DO.

YOU GUYS NEVER TOLD ME

THAT STORY.

THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL.

HMM, WELL, I MUS HAVE THINGS WRONG,

BECAUSE, IF I RECALL,

YOU ME IN THE FIFTH GRADE.

YOUR PET DIDN'T DIE,

IT ESCAPED,

WHICH MAKES MORE SENSE,

BECAUSE IT WAS A TURTLE,

NOT A GOLDFISH,

AND YOU DIDN'T FLUSH IT,

RYAN HELPED YOU PAINT A ROCK

UNDER THE BIG OAK TREE

IN YOUR BACKYARD AS A MEMORIAL.

AND SOMETIMES...

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