Pants on Fire Page #4

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YOU STILL HEAR THE PITTER-PATTER

OF TINY FLIPPERS

WHEN YOU SIT IN ITS SHADE.

[SIGHS]

AT LEAS THAT'S HOW I REMEMBER IT.

THIS IS:

REALLY HAPPENING.

WHY IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?

[CAR HORN HONKS]

LET'S GO, PIT-STAINS.

OKAY, LET'S

FIGURE THIS OUT.

HOW MANY LIES:

HAVE YOU TOLD?

I STARTED A LIST.

ONE TIME, I TRIED TO IMPRESS

PEOPLE AT SUMMER CAMP

BY TELLING THEM MY UNCLE

WAS A PRO WRESTLER

OH, I WAS LATE MEETING ERIC

AT THE MOVIES:

SO I SAID I WAS:

ALMOST ABDUCTED BY ALIENS.

YOU ARE LUCKY TO BE ALIVE.

I SAID I WAS ADOPTED

BY ASIAN PARENTS

SO I COULD CUT CLASS

ON CHINESE NEW YEAR--

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE IT'S EASIER

IF YOU LIST THE THINGS

YOU DIDN'T LIE ABOUT.

HANNAH?

WHEN YOU GOT BRACES,

I WAS EMBARRASSED.

I TOLD PEOPLE:

I DIDN'T HAVE A SISTER.

BUT YOU'RE STILL HERE.

YOU'RE STILL HERE!

THAT MEANS:

THERE'S STILL HOPE!

[BRAKES SCREECH]

OKAY. I'LL HOP

ON THE CRAZY TRAIN.

WHAT ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT?

HEY. LOOK!

IT'S JENNIFER AND MIKEY!

OVER HERE, GUYS!

WE HAVE TO FOLLOW THEM.

WE HAVE TO FIND OU WHAT HE'S SAYING TO HER.

[SIGHS] I DON'T KNOW--

I'M JUST TWO BLOCKS

UP ON THE LEFT.

[RESENTFUL SIGH]

OKAY, LET'S GO.

BUT WHATEVER YOU DO,

ACT NATURAL.

[SIGHS DISMISSIVELY]

DUDE, WOULD YOU STOP THAT?

THE NEIGHBORS ARE GONNA THINK

WE'RE UP TO SOMETHING.

WE ARE UP TO SOMETHING!

[MIKEY AND JENNIFER LAUGHING]

OH...

DUDE, HAS JENNIFER

EVER INVITED YOU OVER?

SILENCE!

-[JACK GASPS]

-[BOYS HIT GROUND]

YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

I KNOW.

I'M GOING IN.

WHAT?

I LIED THIS GUY:

INTO EXISTENCE.

I NEED TO MAKE SURE

HE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING

TO HURT ANYONE,

OR WORSE-- MESS UP

MY CHANCES WITH THE SOX.

THAT'S WORSE?

FINE,

"EQUALLY TRAGIC."

[DISGUSTED GROAN]

-DUDE.

-ON IT.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

HI. CAN I HELP YOU?

YEAH, UM, HI.

-HI!

-HI.

I'M SELLING

BUMBLEBEE GIRLS COOKIES.

AND YOU'RE A BUMBLEBEE... GIRL?

NOT YET. JUST GOT TO

SELL SOME MORE COOKIES.

OH... [CHUCKLES]

YOU ARE... [CHUCKLES]

[MIKEY AND JENNIFER LAUGHING]

SO...

I'M JUST GONNA GRAB MY PURSE.

NO, NO. NO, NO.

UM, FIRST, I NEED TO RECITE

THE BUMBLEBEE GIRL CODE FOR YOU.

GREAT.

"A BUMBLEBEE GIRL

IS HONEST AND TRUE.

"A BUMBLEBEE GIRL

IS BLACK AND--"

YELLOW?

YELLOW! [AWKWARD LAUGH]

UH, "A BUMBLEBEE GIRL NEVER

STINGS UNLESS SHE HAS TO."

[JENNIFER]:

AND THIS IS BUTTONS.

[MIKEY]:
OH, MY GOSH,

BUTTONS IS SO CUTE.

[JENNIFER]:
I KNOW!

[MIKEY]:
BUTTONS

IS CUTE AS A BUTTON

INSIDE A BUTTON.

THAT'S BUTTON

WITHIN ANOTHER BUTTON.

[JENNIFER]:
YOU ARE CRAZY.

[MIKEY]:
HE'S SO CUTE!

I WANT TO SNUGGLE WITH HIM!

KITTENS.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

[HUMMING]

[WATER RUNNING]

[HUMMING LOUDER]

OH, YEAH.

PEW!

[SNIFFING] OOH.

[SNIFFS AND GAGS]

[SNIFFS] MM! HELLO.

[WATER CONTINUES RUNNING]

[EXHALES CONTENTEDLY]

[WIFE LINDA]:
HONEY!

DO YOU WAN SOME BUMBLEBEE GIRL COOKIES?

OOH! GET ME

THE "LEMONY ZESTS."

BUT NO "PEPPERMINT FATTIES!"

THEY'RE WAY OVERRATED!

HANG ON.

I'D BETTER HANDLE THIS.

[SHUTS WATER OFF]

[SLIPPING]

[CRASHING]

[CRASHING]

[BOWL SHATTERING]

WHAT...

JUST...

HAPPENED?

[MIKEY AND JENNIFER LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING AS GLASSES CLINK]

I SAID I DON'T WAN ANY "PEPPERMINT FATTIES."

I TOLD HIM, HAL.

I TOLD HIM, I SAID,

"MY HUSBAND DOESN'T LIKE

THE PEPPERMINT FATTIES."

[LINDA]:
SO... BEST OF LUCK

BECOMING A BUMBLE BEE GIRL.

WAIT.

FIRST, I NEED TO GE YOUR OPINION ON SOMETHING.

[HUMMING AS HE TAPS]

WHOO! [CHUCKLES]

OKAY. OR... OR--

[JENNIFER]:

YEAH, IT JUST SEEMS LIKE

JACK IS ALWAYS PLAYING GAMES,

YOU KNOW?

[MIKEY]:
I'VE FOUND THA PEOPLE TEND TO PLAY GAMES

WHEN THEY'RE AFRAID TO SHOW YOU

WHO THEY REALLY ARE.

I'M WITH OLD BEN FRANKLIN

ON THIS ONE--

HONESTY:

IS THE BEST POLICY.

[CHUCKLING]

WHAT DOES THAT GUY KNOW

ABOUT HONESTY?

HE'S A TOTAL LIE!

YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE

I CAN TELL YOU ANYTHING, MIKEY.

WELL, YOU CAN

DEFINITELY TELL ME

WHERE I CAN:

GET SOME MORE:

OF THESE:

DELICIOUS MUFFINS.

THEY'RE DELICIOUS.

[FUMES QUIETLY]:
OH, YOU KEEP

YOUR HANDS OFF THOSE MUFFINS.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING?

[MIKEY]:

MUST'VE BEEN YOUR FOLKS...

HOW MANY EMOTICONS

CAN YOU USE?

...WHO ARE AWESOME,

BY THE WAY!

[JENNIFER CHUCKLES]

DOO-DAH!

-YEAH...

-YEAH?

WELL, "YES" TO THE TAP,

BUT I'M STICKING STRONG ON "NO"

TO THE PEPPERMINT FATTIES.

AW, COME ON.

NO. WAIT!

BUMBLEBEES NEVER GIVE UP!

HAL, HONEY, CAN YOU

EMPTY THE KITTY LITTER?

BUT MY BUBBLE BATH

IS GONNA GET COLD.

IT'S BEEN A WEEK.

-[SIGHS] FINE.

-LOVE YOU!

UGH. KITTENS.

[JACK GROANING]

[HAL GROANING]:

OHH! OHH, OHH...

OHH... UGH.

GROSS.

SO GROSS.

OH!

SHH, SHH, SHH...

[HAL]:
HONEY?

THE GARBAGE ISN'T A TOY.

OKAY?

ENJOY YOUR TEA.

[HAL CHUCKLES, THEN GROANS]

PLEASE, PLEASE!

SHH, SHH, SHH!

[DEJECTED SIGH]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

SON, WHAT IN THE WORLD

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?

NEIGHBORS CALLED

ABOUT A TRESPASSER.

DON'T YOU WORK A THE CONVENTION CENTER?

I DID.

UNTIL I WAS FIRED

FOR LEAVING MY POS TO CHASE

PRETEND BEARS.

IF I EVER CATCH:

THAT LITTLE PUNK

THAT LIED TO ME,

I'M GONNA WRITE SUCH A--

JACK?

OH... HEY.

JENNIFER. [CHUCKLES]

MIKEY.

YOU OKAY, PARDNER?

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

YOU KNOW, I'D RATHER NOT SAY,

SO I'M JUST GONNA--

HEY!

THAT WAS:

COMPLETELY UNCALLED FOR!

HAD MY HOUSE KEYS ON IT!

[RYAN]:
I WOULDN'T WORRY

ABOUT IT, DUDE.

I MEAN,

IT COULD'VE BEEN WORSE.

[CRACK]

DUDE, I HAD TO SHOWER

THREE TIMES:

JUST TO GET THE KITTY LITTER

OUTTA MY EARS.

YOU KNOW, I'M SURE JENNIFER'S

FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT IT.

YEAH, SHE'S NEVER

GONNA FORGET ABOUT IT.

THIS AFTERNOON,

I HAD IT ALL,

NOW IT'S ALL FALLING APAR BECAUSE OF MIKEY.

WELL, TECHNICALLY,

YOU MADE HIM,

SO, REALLY, IT'S ON YOU.

WELL, WE HAVE TO

THINK TACTICALLY.

WE HAVE TO FIGURE OU WHO MIKEY IS

AND SEND HIM BACK TO WHATEVER

DIMENSION HE CAME FROM.

[CRACK]

DUDE. DROP THE BAT.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED

TO PRACTICE BAT-BOYING

IF YOU DON' DROP THE BAT?

YEAH. RIGHT. SORRY.

-THANK YOU.

-NAILED IT.

THANKS.

[STUDENTS LAUGHING

AND CHATTING]

[WHISPERING AND SNICKERING]

YOU DON'T THINK

THEY'RE LAUGHING ABOU WHAT HAPPENED

YESTERDAY, DO YOU?

NAH. I'M SURE

IT'S SOMETHING ELSE.

DUDE! I JUST HEARD

THE FUNNIEST THING

ABOUT YOU WEARING MAKEUP

OUTSIDE JENNIFER'S HOUSE.

EVERYBODY'S LAUGHING

ABOUT IT.

I MEAN, EVERYBODY.

YOU'RE FAMOUS!

OKAY, MAYBE

THEY WERE LAUGHING

ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED

YESTERDAY.

[SIGHS DARKLY]

I'M A JOKE.

HEY! STAY FOCUSED.

TODAY IS:

ALL ABOUT MIKEY.

-WHAT'S ALL ABOUT ME?

-GAH!

WHERE DID YOU:

COME FROM?

WELL, MY MOM SAYS FROM HEAVEN,

BUT MY BIOLOGY TEACHER SAYS--

FORGET IT!

I DON'T CARE.

JACK, IT SOUNDS LIKE

YOU'RE MAD AT ME.

YOU'RE NOT MAD

AT ME, ARE YOU?

M-MAD?

[SNAPS]:
MAD?

HEY, JACK.

EASY.

OH, WHAT?

WHY WOULD I BE MAD?

WE'RE GOOD FRIENDS, RIGHT?

I SURE AM GLAD:

TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT,

BECAUSE I HAD SO MUCH

FUN HERE YESTERDAY,

I DECIDED:

TO COME BACK TODAY.

IN FACT, I THINK

I'M GONNA TRANSFER HERE.

I WANNA SEE YOU WIN

"STUDENT OF THE YEAR."

GREAT NEWS. GREAT NEWS!

I KNEW:

YOU'D BE EXCITED.

OH, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

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