Pants on Fire Page #7

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I ALWAYS:

HAVE YOUR BACK!

I'M STARTING TO WONDER

IF YOU HAVE MINE.

COME ON, RYAN.

AND THERE'S ALIENS

NOW, DUDE.

ALIENS!

IF I COME CLEAN,

I WILL LOSE EVERYTHING.

MAYBE YOU ALREADY HAVE.

RYAN.

MOM?

DAD?

HANNAH?

IS ANYBODY HOME?

["MOM"]:
HEY, SWEETIE!

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

[GROANS]

A COMPLETE DISASTER.

I REALLY JUST DON' WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

["DAD"]:

WHAT'S UP, SPORT?

TAN, HE DOESN' WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

"TAN"?

H-- HI.

WHERE:

ARE MY PARENTS?

HONEY, WE ARE

YOUR PARENTS.

UH, YOU ARE NOT MY PARENTS.

JACK, WE MAY NOT BE

YOUR BIRTH PARENTS,

BUT WE LOVE YOU JUST AS MUCH

AS THEY EVER COULD.

THE CHINESE NEW YEAR LIE.

IT CAME TRUE.

I'VE BEEN ADOPTED

BY ASIAN PARENTS.

THAT MEANS--

MOM! DAD!

NO.

WHERE'S HANNAH?

HANNAH?

[BAT CRACKS]

[MAN]:
LITTLE LATE FOR

BATTING PRACTICE, ISN'T IT, KID?

HEY, YOU OKAY?

NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT.

I RUINED EVERYTHING.

I HURT EVERYONE I LOVE.

AND... FOR WHAT?

SO PEOPLE WOULD THINK

I WAS COOL?

SO...

SO PEOPLE WOULD LIKE ME?

SO I COULD BE THE BAT BOY

FOR THE RED SOX?

NONE OF THA MEANS ANYTHING ANYMORE.

THAT RED SOX THING

SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD.

IT SOUNDS GREAT.

BUT IS IT WORTH LOSING

YOUR FRIENDS AND YOUR FAMILY

AND THE...

THE GIRL:

YOU'VE BEEN CRUSHING ON

SINCE GRADE SCHOOL?

WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY...

I WOULD DO...

ANYTHING TO FIX IT.

[SIGHS]

[HELMET HITS GROUND]

[GASPS]

DANNY KOSTAS?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

SAME THING:

YOU'RE DOING HERE.

WORKING:

THROUGH A SLUMP.

WHAT BETTER PLACE

TO DO I THAN THE PARK WHERE

I LEARNED TO PLAY BALL?

I JUST...

I DON'T KNOW

HOW TO GET OUT OF THIS ONE.

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY

TO GET OUT OF A SLUMP, KID.

KEEP SWINGING.

YOU STOP SWINGING...

YOU'LL NEVER WIN.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

DANNY KOSTAS, YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT'S LIKE--

IT'S LIKE THE HIPPO SAID.

-HIPPO?

-LONG STORY.

I'M GONNA DO IT.

I'M GONNA SWING FOR THE FENCES.

THANK YOU, DANNY KOSTAS!

CAN I CALL YOU "DANNY"?

I'M GONNA CALL YOU "DANNY."

BY THE WAY, UH, "DANNY"--

YOU'RE STEPPING IN THE BUCKET.

THAT'S WHY

YOU'RE PULLING TO THE LEFT.

WELL, I'LL BE.

I WAS STEPPING IN THE BUCKET.

[]

DUDE, WHERE'S JACK?

HE'S GONNA MISS

HIS OWN VICTORY SPEECH.

WELL, I GUESS

WE SHOULD GET STARTED.

AHEM.

"STUDENT OF THE YEAR"

IS OUR SCHOOL'S

MOST PRESTIGIOUS HONOR.

IT IS DECIDED:

BY A PANEL OF TEACHERS,

THE STUDENT COUNCIL,

AND, OF COURSE,

YOURS TRULY.

[CHUCKLES

AS MICROPHONE SQUEALS]

HMM.

EVERYONE UP HERE IS A WINNER.

IT'S JUST THAT SOME WINNERS

WIN MORE THAN OTHERS.

AND NOW,

THE MOMEN WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR...

THIS YEAR'S

STUDENT OF THE YEAR IS...

JACK PARKER-R-R-R-!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[CROWD ROARING]

[]

[THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

[CROWD CONTINUES

RAUCOUS CHEERING]

I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL

FOR THIS HONOR.

I KNOW MIKEY:

WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU, TOO.

IF... HE WAS REAL.

[CROWD MURMURING]

BUT, UH... HE ISN'T.

[CROWD GASPS]

[RYAN CHUCKLES]

WHAT IS HE DOING?

TELLING THE TRUTH.

MIKEY NEVER REALLY EXISTED.

I... I MADE HIM UP,

ALONG WITH A BUNCH

OF OTHER STUFF--

THE LUMBERJACKS,

MY HOT ARIZONA GIRLFRIEND,

ALIENS,

MIKEY'S BIONIC DOG,

MY WRESTLER UNCLE,

MY ASIAN PARENTS,

BEARS...

WELL, I DIDN'T REALLY

MAKE UP BEARS.

THERE'S BEARS.

JUST NO AT THE CONVENTION CENTER.

[CROWD MURMURING]

AS ALONG AS I'M BEING HONEST,

I HAVEN'T BEEN VERY HONEST.

I, UH, I THOUGH I WAS MAKING PEOPLE HAPPY

AND GETTING WHAT I WANT.

I DIDN'T REALIZE

I WAS...

HURTING THE PEOPLE

I CARE ABOUT.

I JUST WANT TO SAY...

I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T DESERVE

TO BE NOMINATED FOR THIS AWARD,

AND I...

DEFINITELY DON'T DESERVE

TO WIN IT.

I KNOW I'M IN TROUBLE.

GIVE ME DETENTION.

SUSPEND ME.

WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO.

THIS IS A DARK DAY

FOR THE BELOW-AVERAGE JOE.

[SIGHS] WELL...

I GUESS:

THIS YEAR'S AWARD

NOW GOES TO OUR RUNNER-UP...

STEPHANIE MILLER.

YES! YES!

[CACKLING WITH GLEE]

OH! I DID IT. I WON!

IN YOUR FACE, PARKER!

PUBLIC LIBRARY,

HERE I COME!

YES! I WON!

I'D LIKE TO THANK

ALL MY FRIENDS:

FOR NOT DISTRACTING ME

DURING MY STUDY TIME

AND MY MOM.

HEY.

HEY.

SO...

YEAH.

ME TOO.

YOU DID IT, MAN.

IT'S ALL OVER.

YEP.

IT'S ALL OVER.

EXCEPT WHAT'S

HE STILL DOING HERE?

HEY, BUDDY.

WHERE YOU BEEN?

NO. I DID IT.

I DID WHAT THE HIPPO SAID!

YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE!

YOU SHOULD BE GONE.

OH, I CAN'T LEAVE YET, JACK.

THERE'S STILL ONE MORE THING

WE NEED TO DO.

THERE THEY ARE!

BUT I TOLD THE TRUTH!

WELL, OBVIOUSLY,

THEY DIDN'T HEAR IT.

-DUDE? YEP.

-ON IT!

[SHRIEKING]

-OTHER WAY.

-OTHER WAY!

[ALIENS CONTINUE SHRIEKING]

[]

[IN UNISON]:

PLEASE, SON, COME BACK TO US.

JACKIE-BEAR!

I CHANGED MY MIND.

I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU.

YO, JACK.

[ROARS VICIOUSLY]

[BARKS]

[RYAN YELPS]

[]

[DEEP, BOOMING VOICE]:

HELLO, JACK!

NO.

NO! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?

YOU SAID:

IF I TOLD THE TRUTH,

ALL OF MY LIES WOULD GO AWAY!

BUT YOU LIED!

YOU'RE THE LIAR!

NOW WE'RE ABOUT TO BE KILLED

BY ALIEN LUMBERJACKS!

SILENCE!

HERE'S HOW THE TRUTH

SETS YOU FREE.

CALM DOWN.

HANNAH?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE

GONE FOREVER!

OKAY, WE HAVE TO

GET OUTTA HERE.

THERE ARE ALIENS

AND LUMBERJACKS OUT THERE!

NO. NO-NO-NO-NO-NO!

-PLEASE DON'T OPEN THE--

-NO!

JACK.

JACK, WHA IS HAPPENING?

DO YOU KNOW:

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

I DON'T KNOW

WHAT'S HAPPENING!

YOUR LIES WEREN' REALLY COMING TRUE.

WHAT?

HOW?

YOU DIDN'T THINK

YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE

THAT COULD TELL A LIE,

DID YOU?

YOU DID THIS?

ALL OF THIS?

-NO!

-NO...

-YEP.

-WHY?

I WAS SO SICK OF YOU LYING

AND ALWAYS:

GETTING AWAY WITH IT,

SO I RECRUITED A FEW FRIENDS

FROM MY ACTING CLASS,

AND MY PLAN CAME TOGETHER.

I EXPLAINED TO THEM

HOW OUT OF CONTROL

YOUR LYING HAD GOTTEN,

AND HOW YOU HAD:

TO BE STOPPED--

FOR THE GOOD OF HUMANITY!

EVERYONE WAS GIVEN

THEIR ASSIGNMENTS...

-OH, YEAH!

-THERE YOU GO!

...STARTED GETTING

INTO CHARACTER...

DO YOU KNOW:

HOW TO USE THIS THING?

AND THEN, ONE BY ONE,

I MADE YOUR LIES COME TRUE.

[DIRECTOR]:
PLACES, EVERYONE!

WE GO LIVE IN FIVE MINUTES!

[HANNAH]:
I PLANTED

A FEW CLUES ALONG THE WAY,

AND WHEN I THOUGH YOU WERE GETTING STUCK,

I'D GIVE YOU A LITTLE PUSH.

LOOK. ALL I KNOW

IS THAT HURLEY'S MAIN HABITA IS THE JUNGLE

MINI-GOLF COURSE.

TO THE BUS STOP!

[HANNAH]:
WHEN MOM AND DAD

WENT OUT FOR BOWLING NIGHT,

I ASKED MIN AND TAN COME OVER

AND HELP DRIVE IT HOME.

[CHUCKLES]

MOM AND DAD NEVER EVEN KNEW.

WAIT. WHO ARE THEY?

THEY'RE MY MANDARIN TUTORS!

YOU SPEAK CHINESE?

[SPEAKING MANDARIN]

[MIN AND TAN LAUGHING]

[THEY KEEP LAUGHING]

OKAY, BUT WHAT ABOU THE ALIENS?

OH, BRAD AND TODD

ARE REAL STUNT GUYS,

SO THEY DID US A SOLID

AND RIGGED IT ALL UP.

HURRY UP AND PUT THOSE IN!

IF I COULD:

SEE WHAT I WAS DOING,

I WOULDN'T NEED CONTACTS

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

[HANNAH]:

YOU HAD ME SCRAMBLING

WITH A COUPLE:

LAST-MINUTE LIES,

BUT, LUCKILY,

TRISH IS MAJORING IN ROBOTICS.

OF COURSE, I HAD TO GET IN

ON THAT ACTION MYSELF.

OKAY, BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL

THE PICTURES OF ME AND MIKEY,

OR MY ADOPTED PARENTS?

PHOTOSHOP.

THAT IS--

[DEEP, BOOMING]:

INGENIOUS?

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