Pants on Fire Page #6

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GUESS I'LL SEE YOU

AT CAITLIN'S POOL PARTY

THIS WEEKEND?

ACTUALLY,

I WON'T BE THERE.

I'M VOLUNTEERING AT THE ANIMAL

SHELTER ALL DAY WITH MIKEY.

MIKEY!

AND WE'RE BACK TO WEIRD.

HANNAH!

DRIVE US TO FUNLAND.

"PLEASE?"

HANNAH,

DRIVE US TO FUNLAND, PLEASE.

NO.

-COME ON!

-WE CAN'T GO BACK THERE.

OTIS BANNED US:

FOR LIFE.

WE HAVE NO CHOICE.

IF WE WANT TO GET RID

OF MIKEY ONCE AND FOR ALL,

WE HAVE TO FIND:

THAT PURPLE HIPPO.

ARE YOU GUYS:

TALKING ABOUT HURLEY?

WHAT? NO. WE'RE TALKING ABOU A GIANT PURPLE HIPPO

WHO HANDS OUT BALLOONS

AT FUNLAND.

YEAH. HIS NAME'S HURLEY.

AND HE DOESN' HAND OUT BALLOONS.

UNLESS:

"BART THE BALLOON BABOON"

WAS SICK THAT DAY.

HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS?

JACK, I WORKED THERE

FOR TWO YEARS.

SERIOUSLY?

WHERE DID YOU THINK

I WAS GOING FOR FOUR HOURS

EVERY DAY AFTER SCHOOL?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW,

I WAS JUST HAPPY

YOU WERE OUT OF THE HOUSE.

[SHE SIGHS]

HANNAH!

HANNAH, PLEASE!

[SIGHING]

ALL I KNOW IS:

HURLEY'S MAIN HABITA IS THE JUNGLE

MINI-GOLF COURSE.

THANK YOU.

YOU ARE AMAZING.

I KNOW.

TO FUNLAND!

I TOLD YOU, I'M NO TAKING YOU THERE.

TO THE BUS STOP!

[]

I DON'T KNOW

ABOUT THIS, JACK.

OTIS SAID:

NEVER TO COME BACK.

REALLY? YOU'RE GONNA

LISTEN TO THAT GUY?

[GAGS]

SWALLOW IT!

SWALLOW IT.

GOOD BOY.

OKAY, LET'S GO.

[]

[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS,

RYAN SHRIEKS]

REALLY?

REALLY? OKAY.

-OKAY. YEAH.

-OKAY. PLEASE KEEP IT TOGETHER.

IT'S, UH, HEH,

SO TRANQUIL DOWN HERE.

TOTALLY NOT--

NOT CREEPY, AT ALL.

[RYAN SHRIEKING]

OKAY, OKAY,

WOULD YOU RELAX?

THIS ISN'T GONNA

TAKE LONG, OKAY?

IT'S NOT LIKE THAT HIPPO

HAS MUCH ROOM TO...

...HIDE.

[RYAN SHRIEKS]

QUIET!

HE'LL HEAR US.

I WOULD JUST LIKE

TO POINT OU THERE'S A NORTH

AMERICAN GRIZZLY

HANGING OUT WITH A ZEBRA

IN A SUBTERRANEAN JUNGLE.

WHAT KIND OF MADMAN

DESIGNED THIS PLACE?

LET'S GO.

WALKING, WALKING...

[DEEP BOOMING VOICE]:

HELLO, JACK.

[BOTH GASPING]

YOU!

WHY HAVE YOU:

BEEN LOOKING FOR ME?

SHOW US YOUR FACE.

SILENCE!

I HAVE MANY FACES...

AND MANY NAMES.

I DON'T LIKE

THIS, JACK!

I DON'T LIKE

THIS AT ALL.

DID YOU MAKE ALL OF

MY LIES COME TRUE?

YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE!

YOUR LIES ARE COMING TRUE

BECAUSE YOU TOLD THEM SO OFTEN,

THEY STOPPED BEING LIES.

HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP?

GOOD QUESTION.

THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

WHY, THAT'S THE EASIEST PAR OF ALL, JACK.

YOU MUST SIMPLY CONFESS.

CONFESS?

CONFESS WHAT?

EVERYTHING!

THE ONLY WAY TO FIGHT LIES

IS WITH THE TRUTH.

YOU MUST CONFESS

TO EVERYONE THAT YOU'VE HURT.

EVERYONE YOU'VE MISLED.

EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER DECEIVED

WITH YOUR LIES.

YEAH, I CAN'T DO THAT.

JACK!

WHAT? WHAT, RYAN?

OKAY, YOU WANT ME

TO THROW EVERYTHING AWAY?

STUDENT OF THE YEAR?

THE RED SOX?

BECAUSE SOME PURPLE HIPPO

TOLD ME TO?

YES! THAT'S EXACTLY

WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.

BE WARNED--

THE LONGER:

YOU REFUSE TO CONFESS,

THE WORSE THINGS WILL GET.

HOW COULD:

THIS POSSIBLY GET WORSE?

[DARKLY]:
YOU'LL SEE.

"CONFESS"? REALLY?

THAT'S

THE BIG SOLUTION?

HOW GULLIBLE DOES

THIS HIPPO THINK I... AM?

-HEY, RYAN?

-YEAH?

YOU REMEMBER ON MY LIST?

THERE WAS THAT TIME

I WAS LATE MEETING ERIC,

AND I BLAMED IT ON ALIENS?

NO. HEH. NOPE!

I-I DON'T REMEMBER.

I-I REFUSE TO REMEMBER.

WELL, TOO LATE.

I THINK WE'RE ABOU TO BE ABDUCTED.

NO! SEE, THERE'S-- THERE'S

NO SUCH THING AS ALIENS,

THOSE ARE JUST TWO GUYS,

YOU KNOW, WEARING WEIRD SUITS,

STANDING ON TOP:

OF A ROOF.

AND RUNNING DOWN IT!

[ALIENS SHRIEKING]

RUN!

OH! IN HERE!

[]

OKAY. THEY'RE GONE.

YEAH. UGH...

[GROANS WEARILY]

OHH... OKAY.

I JUST NEED, LIKE, TWO MINUTES

WITHOUT COMING FACE-TO-FACE

WITH ONE OF MY LIES.

[BOTH GASPING]

DID YOU THINK YOU COULD

GET AWAY FROM US THAT EASY?

WHAT PART OF THIS

SEEMS EASY?

TIME TO FINISH THIS.

SHOULDN'T YOU GUYS BE

OUT RIDING MOOSE OR SOMETHING?

MOOSE-RIDING SEASON

ISN'T TILL OCTOBER.

THIS IS:

OAK SEASON...

POPLAR SEASON,

AND BUTT-KICKIN' SEASON.

OH, AND ALSO

NORWAY SPRUCE.

AND ALSO:

NORWAY SPRUCE.

[GROWLING]

HOW ABOUT, THIS TIME,

YOU DISTRACT THEM

AND I RUN?

HOW ABOU WE BOTH RUN?

-DEAL!

-OKAY!

HEY! THIS PARKING STRUCTURE

IS FOR PAYING CUSTOMERS ONLY!

YOU TWO ARE TRESPASSING.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

ELEVATOR! GO!

I HAVE THE AUTHORITY

TO CALL THE AUTHORITIES!

COME ON. COME ON.

OW! GEEZ.

NOT AGAIN.

COME ON!

[LUMBERJACKS GROWLING]

[RELIEVED SIGHS]

WE'RE GOING UP.

WHY ARE WE GOING UP?

I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST PUSHED:

THE FIRST BUTTON I SAW!

WE'LL BE TRAPPED

ON THE ROOF.

WHO BUILDS:

PARKING GARAGES:

OUT OF CEMENT?

THESE BOOTS:

AREN'T MADE FOR RUNNING!

[BOYS]:
THE LUMBERJACKS!

GET THAT KID!

[POUNDING]

I CAN'T BUST THROUGH!

THIS KID IS SERIOUSLY STEPPING

UP HIS BARRICADIN'.

YEAH, HE IS.

WHERE TO NOW?

OH! THE FIRE ESCAPE. GO!

PLEASE LET THERE

BE A FIRE ESCAPE.

-I'LL GET YOU.

-LET'S GO. THIS WAY!

NOPE!

NO PLACE TO RUN NOW!

I GOT YOU.

OH, MAN.

NOT TILL WE POUND HIM

INTO SAWDUST!

QUICK!

LIE ABOUT A HELICOPTER.

I DON'T THINK

IT WORKS THAT WAY.

WELL, THEN,

HOW DOES IT WORK, JACK?

COME ON, TELL ME.

I'M SURE THE GREAT JACK PARKER

CAN THINK OF A WAY OUT OF THIS.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

[BRAKES SCREECHING]

-GET IN!

-[RELIEVED GASPING]

THANKS!

THANKS, LISA.

YOU'RE THE BEST!

[LOCKS THUD]

NOT YOU!

WHAT?

YOU BROKE MY HEART,

JACKIE BEAR.

LISA, PLEASE!

WHATEVER YOU WANT,

I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

YOU'RE JUST SAYING THA BECAUSE YOU'RE SELFISH

AND YOU DON'T WAN YOUR BRAINS SUCKED OU OF YOUR SKULL BY ALIENS.

OKAY, WHAT DO YOU

WANT ME TO SAY?

THE TRUTH.

WHY DON'T YOU

WANT TO BE WITH ME?

[]

I-- I MADE YOU UP SO MY FRIENDS

WOULDN'T MAKE FUN OF ME.

GET IN.

THANK YOU!

OKAY, GO. GO!

[BOTH GRUMBLING]

DAGNABBIT!

[ENGINE SHUTS OFF]

THANK YOU:

FOR SAVING US.

WE'D PROBABLY BE GETTING PROBED

BY ALIENS RIGHT NOW

IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU.

I KNOW HOW MUCH:

YOU LOVE TROUBLE, JACKIE.

SOMEONE'S GOT TO WATCH OU FOR YOU.

LISTEN, I'M SORRY

I LIED TO YOU.

I NEVER, EVER MEAN TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

IT'S JUST...

I'M KIND OF

INTO SOMEONE ELSE.

IF YOU LIKE THIS SOMEONE ELSE

SO MUCH, JACKIE BEAR,

JUST TRY BEING HONEST WITH HER.

NO ONE WANTS A RELATIONSHIP

BUILT ON LIES.

WELL, IT'S TIME

FOR ME TO GO.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

THAT WAS NUTS.

I KNOW,

BUT IT WORKED.

I MEAN, YOU WERE

HONEST WITH LISA,

AND SHE LEFT.

THE HIPPO:

SPEAKS THE TRUTH.

NOW YOU JUST NEED TO

DO THE SAME THING

AND WE CAN END:

ALL THIS.

JACK...

AW, JACK!

I'M JUST SO CLOSE, RYAN.

STUDENT OF THE YEAR

GETS ANNOUNCED TOMORROW.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

AFTER EVERYTHING

WE'VE BEEN THROUGH?

THE HIPPO SAID I HAD TO

CONFESS TO EVERYONE.

HE DIDN'T SAY WHEN.

I'LL JUST DO IT AFTER

I WIN "STUDENT OF THE YEAR."

NO, YOU'LL

DO IT TOMORROW.

AT THE ASSEMBLY!

YOU CAN TELL EVERYONE AT ONCE

AND BE DONE WITH IT.

OKAY, WHAT ABOUT THE SOX?

THERE'S MORE IMPORTANT THINGS

THAN THE SOX!

NOT TO ME.

IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT YOU!

I THOUGH YOU HAD MY BACK.

ARE YOU FOR REAL?

I GOT HUMILIATED FOR YOU.

I GOT WEDGIED FOR YOU!

I VIOLATED EVERY RULE

IN THE FUNLAND CODE OF CONDUC FOR YOU!

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