Paranormal Movie

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There we go,

make your momma proud.

Hey, Larry, let's go

play some catch.

Go throw the ball around.

Get your mitt.

Larry, get your mitt,

let's go throw some...

Let's go play some...

Jesus, Larry, you scared me.

Don't sneak up on me like that.

Where's your...

Larry!

Jesus, stop doing that.

You know I have a bad ticker.

Now, where's your baseball,

let's find your baseball.

Maybe it's under the...

How the hell did you

get under the bed?

Come on, Larry.

Let's find your mitt.

Where's your mitt? Let's stop horsing around here,

and let's go throw the ball.

Where is that glove?

I don't see... What?

Okay. Oh, my God.

I'm on to you. You crazy little f***er.

Stop doing this

to me, Larry.

There's two of you.

I can't take any more.

I can't...

But I ran.

I ran so far away.

I couldn't get away.

How are you doing?

What are you doing?

Just driving around,

filming people.

How are you doing?

Stop.

Are you still here?

How are you doing?

How are you doing, man?

What's up?

How you doing, dude?

- You get paid for this?

- No. For fun.

Are you in high school or something?

No, 40 years old.

Where are you going?

You're acting weird

I'm not weird.

Hey, buddy!

What did you bench today?

What the hell are you doing?

Huh?

Get the...Get out of here.

Whoa.

Hey, Roger,

you wanted to see me?

Yeah, Larry.

You're fired.

Okay.

So...

How do you rate our date so far?

Do you film everything?

Well, I wanted to

capture our first kiss.

Oh! Uh...

Oh. Really? Okay.

Oh, Jesus. Okay.

You all right?

Oh, my God.

I'm meeting my girlfriend's

parents for the first time,

and I just took the

biggest dump of my life.

It won't flush.

It won't flush.

Honey, is

everything okay in there?

Huh?

Ooh.

Today's the day

my girlfriend moves in.

Hopefully she doesn't have

too many boxes.

Hi, honey! How are you?

Yes. Oh, God.

I think I lost the baby.

What?

I think I had a miscarriage.

Are you filming this?

Better.

Okay, so this is the house

i inherited from grandma.

Those lanterns at the front

were from Paris. Stole 'em.

You know,

if you come over here,

I talked to a lot

of sculptors,

and

I wanted to capture the moment that

i discovered masturbation.

That's a Playboy I'm reading,

and a lot of times

my dog, Rex,

would watch me masturbate.

It got so annoying that I'd have to climb

a tree just to get away from Rex,

because it made me creepy

that he'd watch me.

That is a desk

my grandma actually died at.

And we just kept it

the same way.

This couch was a find.

I had it in college.

Wiped the pee stains

out of it.

Oh, oh, these tusks are

an interesting story.

I was in Mexico and I was drunk

and I hit an animal I didn't really know

what it was,

but I cooked it up and ate it.

And I think look

pretty darn good.

B*tch getting that

through customs.

This is our dining room.

Oh, this is a nice,

interesting piece.

This piece represents the story of a small,

black child in the South,

a slave, making her way North to safety

in Harriet Tubman's Underground Railroad.

Interesting.

This is the kitchen,

where we do a lot of stuff.

Over here is the fridge,

the refrigerator.

This is where we do a lot

of our product placement.

And come over here. Oh, wait, go back.

And this is great.

This is an interesting thing.

Last night,

I cooked the best cheese sandwich of my life.

I put it right up on top there.

And the cheese

melted perfectly.

The best thing I've ever had

in my life. This, uh...

That's my pig.

There's a paper mache replica of my dog, Dog Byron.

Good guy.

And there's Cindy.

Hmm.

Watching her favorite TV show.

Hmm.

Here's the backyard.

A lot of party going on out here.

You bet. We eat there, sometimes.

This is the pool

and that's the...

One-Eyed Willie cleans the pool automatically.

Don't have to do jack squat.

That stop sign is

an interesting story.

I plowed into that.

Once again, drunk.

And rather than wait

for the cops, I took it.

This is our bedroom.

So this is where all the paranormal activity

has been happening.

We've been hearing

a lot of loud bangs at night.

What was that?

I don't know. I just banged on the wall.

Why'd the lights go out?

Oh, I had

scream lights installed.

They turn on and off

when you scream.

Oh, well, let's just be really quiet

and see if we hear any odd noises.

Okay.

Why'd you

scream now?

I don't know.

Good thing I can't get you to reach orgasm

or our lighting bill would be enormous.

What is that?

What was that?

I don't know.

Something happened.

I heard something.

What was that?

I don't know.

- No, it's okay. It's just my keys.

- Oh, boy.

- Okay. Did you hear that?

- Shh.

I mean, did you hear that?

Shh.

Tell me. It's okay. It's okay.

It's just a lamp.

Okay. Okay.

- I heard that. I heard something.

- Shh.

It's okay, it's just Snooki.

Larry, what are we gonna do?

Something is really strange in this house.

I'm just going to keep

on filming.

Then, when we know

exactly what we're up against,

we'll be in the

perfect place to

take care of it!

Oh, my God.

Are you all right?

The battery's low.

Oh, no, baby.

Looks like somebody...

You're so hot.

Oh, no. Something's wrong with you.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

I don't know

what I'd do without you.

Mmm. These are great green beans, Cindy.

Thank you.

Wait. Who are you?

Cindy refused to sleep

with the director, so he killed her off.

I'm your new girlfriend, Katie.

Oh, right!

Did you hear that?

Yeah, I did. What is it?

I don't know. It's coming

from the basement.

Baby, I'm scared.

Don't worry about it. Everything's going to be okay.

I've got a camera.

Oh, it's William Katt.

Hey, Larry.

I forgot. William Katt

lives in our basement.

Hi, Bill.

Hi. How are you?

- How could you forget, man?

- I'm sorry.

Hey, Bill, I got a question.

Have you heard anything strange going on?

We've been hearing

weird noises

and doors opening and closing

for no reason and stuff.

Could be gnomes.

Gnomes?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, gnomes.

They're like little leprechauns.

They get in through the walls.

They cause all kinds of problems.

You gotta watch out for them.

Okay.

Hey, do we have any strong

sedatives in the house?

Sedatives?

Yeah, I need

something that's gonna knock

a 400-pound woman on her ass.

I've been keeping this girl

down in the basement

for about half a year,

and I feed her nothing but 18 pounds

of catfish every day.

She's gotten so fat, she

can't even move anymore.

She's completely dependent

on me to keep her alive.

That's terrible.

Yeah.

But, you know, when you've been

as famous as I have,

for as long as I have,

you've got to do whatever

you can to get your rocks off, right?

What? Whoa! God damn it!

Look out! Look out!

Whoa!

What?

- Did you see him?

- What?

- The gnome?

- A gnome?

Gnome?

Oh, come on, Larry.

- You didn't see the gnome?

- No.

It was right there.

I didn't see it.

You know, I did a little angel dust

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