Paranormal Movie Page #2

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a little while ago.

I don't know,

maybe that's it.

I think you dropped

something, Bill.

Yeah, you dropped something.

What's that?

Is that...

Is that a finger?

Oh... Oh, yes.

Yes, indeed.

That is a finger.

I won this off a Somali pirate

some years ago in a game of five-finger fillet.

Little bastards. Not nearly as good

with the blade as you'd think they are.

Okay. All right.

Going back down to my basement.

Goodbye. Goodbye, Larry.

Goodbye.

- Good night.

- Good night.

- Good night, Bill.

- Have a good one.

- Have a good one. Jesus!

- God damn it! Son of a b*tch!

- Look out! Look out.

- F***. God damn!

- Watch out for those little f***ers, man.

- Okay.

- You can't be too careful.

- Okay.

- Okay?

- Yeah.

Love that guy.

Can we do

a sound test real quick?

I want to see how good this mike is.

What should I do?

Just whisper something creepy.

Okay. But this time try to speak up.

I'm testing the mike here.

Okay. One more time.

Okay, go ahead!

Wow! This mike is really good.

It's like you're standing right...

Okay. That looks pretty good.

Are you gonna have that camera

on every night now?

We have to if we want to

catch this thing in action.

All right. Camera man,

what do you think?

I'm flying a 12K par on a

condor and a couple of 650s

with CTB

for an ang light, nigga.

Where do you want me, sir?

What scene number is this again?

- What was that?

- I don't know.

Larry!

It's coming from here.

Wait! Composer?

Yes, sir.

Can I get a little

scary music swell here, please?

Of course, sir.

Don't worry.

It's just a vibrator.

Why would it go off

on its own?

I don't know. Must have

some sort of timer on it.

Why would a vibrator

have a timer on it?

I don't know.

So you know when to go

yourself?

- Hey, wait.

- Why was that bleeped?

Because, sir, the distributors

want you to maintain a PG-13 rating.

So I can't say?

I'm afraid not.

I can't say pig?

No, you can't say that either.

Well, what good does it do in a scary movie

if I can't say pig?

I'm sorry.

But the script has a gnarly

decapitation scene

where a paraplegic woman

gets raped and brutally murdered.

Yeah, and that's fine.

The MPAA doesn't care about shocking violence

as long as you don't say any naughty words.

I see.

I feel better.

What the?

Okay.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

Yeah, just...

Wait. Whoa.

Where's the clown?

Oh, there he is.

Yeah, no biggie, right?

No, seems

like a normal night.

You know, I was thinking about calling

a psychic to help with our problem.

We don't need a psychic for that.

The pump I ordered came in yesterday.

No, not that problem.

The problem with our

house being haunted.

Oh! I know a great psychic

we could call.

He's a waiter at

the dim sum place.

He's always sticking

notes in my dessert.

What does it say?

"Cheer up,

it's only chlamydia."

There's a lot of truth to that.

Yeah. A lot.

Listen, Katie, this is

a serious matter.

I don't think we can rely

on Chinese mumbo-jumbo.

Okay,

this is what we need.

You mind zooming in here?

I don't feel like getting up.

Okay. This guy's been a practicing

psychic for over 500 years.

He even attended a psychic retreat

in India for two weeks.

That's a foreign country.

Yeah. Exactly!

For a one-time fee, he'll not only

communicate with spirits,

but he'll also pop out

a dent in your car.

Okay. We're just waiting

for our psychic to arrive.

Look at that.

Perfect timing.

Not really. Wish that would

have happened about 10 seconds ago.

But here we go.

Hi.

Hi, there, folks.

We are going door to door

doing missionary work

for the Church of

the Latter-day Saints.

We'd like to share our message of peace and love.

Here, take a pamphlet.

It just says, "F*** the Jews."

Oh, you know what?

We're already fans of Mel Gibson,

but we appreciate it.

Thanks for coming.

Hold on a minute.

Hold on, Larry. Hold on. Hold on.

These folks are

from the Mormon church.

The Mormon church, right?

That's right.

Yes, yes.

We are.

Well, that is wonderful.

Absolutely wonderful.

I want to hear all about it, all right?

Great.

Let's go down into the basement,

and we can talk down there.

I have so many questions.

Great.

Okay, let's go,

all right.

Hey, let me ask you something.

Do you know how to

get semen out of cat fur?

'Cause I have been

trying for the longest time.

You know...

And I used baby powder and detergent.

Where's our cat?

- Hi!

- Hi.

- I'm Dr. Lipschitz.

- Nice to meet you.

Good to meet you,

too, darling.

So, why we're here.

You think something paranormal

is occurring

within this residence.

Yes, there's been lots

of odd things happening,

with wall noises,

doors squeaking,

lights switching on and off,

d*ldos turning on...

Yes!

You certainly have some type

of presence here. Nice pink.

What will happen

to us, Doctor?

Well, the events you

have been describing

are going to slowly get worse.

Why?

Ghosts know formula.

Mmm-hmm. I mean,

for the first, like, 45 minutes,

they'll slam doors and whisper your name.

But then things will escalate,

and the last 10 minutes

should be quite compelling.

But, Doctor, why is this ghost

after us? What does it want?

Well, I believe Larry knows the answer to that.

Don't you, Larry?

Larry?

Well, it's true.

It all happened

when I was 15 years old.

I had an imaginary friend

named Toby,

and Toby and I would...

Oh, wait, wait, wait!

Oh, my God. If we're

going to have a flashback moment,

somebody else ought to

be behind the camera.

I mean, really,

where's the dramatic effect

with you on the wrong side

of the lens?

He's got a point.

I'm filled with points.

Well, yeah, this is...

This is better.

Um, okay.

It all started

when I was 14 years old.

My dad had just passed away

from alcohol poisoning.

He drank 144

non-alcoholic beers.

That's a gross.

That is gross.

No... Never mind.

My stepdad used to like

to videotape me at night.

He even went so far as to put

a video camera in my room.

I could never figure out why.

All right.

Let's have some dancing

Oh, yeah.

Oh, dance the night away!

Oh, get into it.

Go, Larry!

Yeah. All right.

It's bed time.

Why don't you put on your PJs?

Yeah.

These ones? Oh, no, no, no.

Not those. Not those.

Let's, uh,

put the training ones on.

Yeah.

This one?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, those are steamy.

Oh, you know, because

of the locomotives.

Because there's trains

on them.

I had an

imaginary friendnamed Toby.

And at night we would play

different games together.

One hundred...

I taught him how to play

hide and seek.

Found you!

He taught me how to

get high smoking catnip.

Meow!

I showed him how to

give cool handshakes.

And he taught me how to

autoerotic asphyxiate.

My stepfather had set up

a camera in our living room

mounted to an oscillating fan.

Mostly for his own amusement.

You know, looking back at it,

I don't know why anyone

would want to document themselves

doing mountains of cocaine.

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