Paranormal Movie Page #3

---

But, hey, that was my stepdad.

He had his ways.

It got worse two days later.

My stepdad came into my room

to play a game of catch

and next thing I know

I was being questioned by the police.

Apparently his brains and his hemorrhoids

exploded simultaneously.

He died instantly.

And, you know,

I just knew it had to be Toby.

I woke myself snoring.

Excuse me.

It sounds like

Larry was possessed.

Can you help us, Doctor?

I'm afraid I can't, Katie.

What I sensed when I walked in here

and what Larry has now just confirmed,

this is not a ghost

we're dealing with, honey.

This is a demon.

What's the difference?

Well, a ghost will sell you

crack on a street corner.

But a demon will wash

your crack and sell it back to you.

No, I'm sorry. That's

a drug dealer and a hooker.

This is terrible.

I know it is, Katie.

The jokes are stale,

the plot unoriginal,

but nothing

we can do about it, so...

I suggest we do what

Brendan Fraser does.

Take that money and run.

Maybe there's something we can do.

Should we move

out of the house?

No, I'm afraid that won't work either,

Larry, you see,

this demon is attached to you,

so if you leave this house,

it ain't gonna

make a difference.

I suggest you stay here.

Plus, save you a bundle

on below-the-line budget.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, I mean, should we try

to communicate with it?

I mean,

find out what it wants?

Hmm.

No, I don't recommend

that either. You see,

when you start to communicate

with this kind of creature,

you open the door for it

to come on in.

So we should just do nothing?

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah. Absolutely nothing.

We should do absolutely nothing.

And end the movie right here.

Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

Never mind. I got nothing.

No, wait, wait, wait.

There is an alternative.

Oh, yes. Here we are.

Okay.

Call him.

I don't know if he's any good,

but he is an expert.

I'll be outside

if you need me.

He took your dildo.

Yeah.

We should

call Jack Goff.

I can't believe

this is all happening.

Promise me you'll call

that expert tomorrow?

I don't know, Katie.

It's only 45 minutes into the movie.

Why don't we just wait

until things get a lot worse?

What am I going to do

if something happens to you?

You'll probably marry up.

Listen, why don't we just put all this

ghost business behind us,

at least for tonight, huh?

I like the sound of that.

But, Larry?

Yeah?

Remember what I told you about

filming me when I'm on the toilet?

Only do it when you're doing number one?

Exactly.

Larry, film us making love.

I want you to capture

our essence, our passion.

Our deepest, darkest desires.

I want to feel

like Kim Kardashian,

if only for one night.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Yeah.

This is going to be the most

tasteful sex tape ever made.

Yeah.

Get ready to have your world rocked.

Yes.

Yes.

Ooh. Bad dog.

Oh, no,

you didn't.

Oh! You mean

I can't say?

this

movie!

Larry!

What is it? What is it?

Are you okay?

Are you okay? Look!

They've already pirated

the movie.

Fast-forward

a little bit.

What is this?

It's like watching

a pirated version of our lives.

It's a found-footage movie,

within a pirated movie

of a found-footage movie.

I don't get it.

It's April 14th, 2011.

We just got back from

the Justin Bieber concert.

And our house is

completely torn apart.

They take anything?

Everything seems to be here.

I called the police department

and they said I should just document

everything for their amusement.

Wow, whoever this was

they even trashed the script.

And wiped their ass

with it, too.

Larry, come here!

What is it?

I can't find your

penis pump anywhere.

It's all that seems to be missing.

Oh, damn it!

That was $19.95, plus $25

shipping and handling.

I know!

That's where they get you.

Maybe Bill Katt

heard something.

Hey, Bill.

Hey.

Hey, we were wondering

if you heard anything?

Well, I heard you knock at the door.

That's why I'm here.

No, I mean earlier.

Well, you'll have to be

more specific than that, okay?

I mean, I have the memory span

of a sea sponge, so...

Okay, I'd say around 11:30.

Who the hell are you?

Bill, this is a disaster.

I mean, just look at it.

Certainly is. You should be

ashamed of yourself, man.

Haven't you heard that godliness is

next to cleanliness?

You could mop my floor with your tongue

and not get sick.

Believe me, I've forced

many people to do just that

and they're all in

spectacular heath, okay?

Bill, are you okay, man?

You've got blood all over you.

Oh, what?

This is beet juice, dude.

All right? I drink four cups

of it every day.

Keeps the

erectile dysfunction at bay.

Really? Okay,

I'll just remember that.

Look, I can't believe somebody would break

into a house and not take anything.

You know what I mean?

Maybe it's not even a person at all.

What are you talking about?

Like gnomes?

Gnomes? Good God, man, don't be silly.

It could be the Jews.

Jews?

Yeah!

You see a house, it gets broken into,

you immediately suspect blacks, right?

You see, what no one

is thinking about is Jews.

Bill, I think we have a bigger

problem on our hands than Jews.

Yeah, like what? Koreans.

Those little sneaky bastards!

- No. No. A demon.

- A demon?

What was that?

That's just something the body does

when you inhale baby powder on an empty stomach.

Don't worry about that.

No, I mean those screams.

Oh, just don't worry about that.

That's what they do

when they're hungry, right?

Mamby-pambies, they can't go a day

without food!

Shut up!

Hey, I survived six weeks

in the Kalahari desert,

eating nothing but

the corns off my feet.

Okay.

We're done, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks.

You want something to eat? I'll give you

something to eat, you little f***ers!

Holy crap.

Yeah, I think we'd better

call a security guy.

People don't take

security seriously.

Sure, they'll install five or six

cameras here and there,

but you're not going to

catch anything with that,

other than maybe the top

of a burglar's head.

And maybe the love

of your life

cheating on you with some

handsome security guy.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Did that happen to you?

That's okay.

I later killed the man

and stole his identity.

You need to

take safety seriously.

You should install cameras in every nook

and cranny in this house.

Well, how many cameras

are you talking about here?

Oh, I don't know.

A place

this size,

I'd recommend at least

Isn't that overkill?

Overkill?

Was it overkill when I called

that security guy for protection

and he didn't use any

when he f***ed my wife?

Cameras are all very small.

You won't even notice them.

Okay, well, we'll just do whatever

you think is necessary.

Necessary?

Was it necessary for me to cut off

that security guy's balls and hang them

over my rearview mirror

like a pair of fuzzy dice?

No?

No?

Did my wife say no when that security guy told her

to bend over and take it like a man?

I like the couches.

Tastes so good

Yeah, this is

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes