Paranormal Movie Page #4

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how we make the money

This is how

we make that cash

Since this movie's

out of money

This is how we make it fast

This is how

we make the money

Yeah!

You see how it goes down?

And now you see

how it goes up?

I can do whatever I want to do

with this f***ing stupid chandelier.

Let me see what

they have here.

Light beer.

All they have is light beer.

So sick of this place.

When I'm 18,

I'm so out of here.

Wake up, b*tches.

I'm going to run the water bill so high,

you don't know what hit you.

Maybe that will

teach you some lesson.

Come here, little piggy.

I pick you up from here,

and I put you over there.

No bacon for you, b*tch.

This place sucks!

Ah! I'm going to

smoke some weed.

Light up. Come on!

Yes. B*tch weed.

That sh*t kicks in fast.

What's that?

What's that?

Hello! Is somebody there?

Hello!

Man, I'm freaking out.

It sounds like just a series

of odd events to me.

I think you're just overreacting,

Larry.

No, Sheila, this would be

overreacting.

We got a goddamn

demon in our house!

No, that's overacting.

And you're good at that, Larry.

Larry, get that

out of the pool.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe this is all in our heads.

Doesn't it feel better

just to say that?

Yeah, it does.

I mean, Larry's got

a vivid imagination.

I guess it just

rubbed off on me.

You're going to be fine.

Sheila, what would I

do without you?

You make everything

seem like it's going

to be hunky-dory.

My tit!

It will. I promise.

It's sucking my tit off!

I think I have to pee.

Ah, what have we here?

Angel from heaven.

I'll show you

something tonight to remember, baby.

Ah, yeah. Sucky, sucky.

Yeah.

Titty-titty-bang-bang.

Hmm.

What is that?

Oh, yeah.

I told you, you can't be cheap

with toilet paper.

You gotta go at least two-ply

or people freak out.

Yeah, motherf***er.

Oh, you like that.

Your pool is gonna

be dirty as sh*t now.

Algae's gonna build up, your pH level's

gonna be so f***ed up,

you won't know what to do.

Take that, b*tch.

Larry! Larry, what's that?

What was what?

That!

That's just the demon, honey.

Go back to bed.

Larry, I'm scared.

Well, then go down

and check it out!

You're the man!

I expect you to investigate

creepy sounds. Come on!

God! Ow!

Larry!

All right!

Boy, first you want the vote,

then you want equal wages.

Why don't you go down

and check out creepy sounds?

Larry.

Do you have to

bring the camera?

Yes, I do.

Hey! What the hell?

Hey, what are you

doing in here?

I'm making a

found-footage film.

No, I'm making

a found-footage film!

I was doing it first.

Well, mine's a spoof!

Well, I was making spoofs when you were

pooping your diapers, you little fart.

Besides, I starred

in a Zucker film.

I starred in a Zucker film.

Look, get out of my house.

Get out of my movie.

That doesn't count.

You get out of my movie.

Get out of my movie!

Get out of my movie!

You get out of my movie.

Get out of my movie!

You get out of my movie...

Did somebody call

for a demon hunter?

I don't think so.

Well, with the economy being in the toilet,

I was sure hoping to find a job.

I'm so happy you're here.

We haven't slept all night.

Well, you know what you should do

is take a light walk before bedtime.

It boosts serotonin levels

and promotes relaxation.

Is that some sort

of ghost hunting tool?

No, it's a cell phone.

I got a new app that locates

Christian singles in the neighborhood.

There's a real cutie

about four doors down.

Catholic girls

like to do anal.

Yeah. I think your place

is definitely haunted.

How can you be sure?

I've got a sixth sense.

You can see ghosts?

No, but I can communicate

with household pets.

Your goldfish is

definitely depressed

and probably seen a demon.

What can we do?

Well, he could do with a little of this.

There you go, fishy.

She should be better in

the morning. That's for sure.

Yeah. She'll get much

better in the morning.

Where's my manners?

My name's Goff.

Jack Goff.

Ah. Nope, no way.

My friends call me Jack.

You can call me Jack.

What do

your enemies call you?

Inmate 2571044.

But that's in the past,

God willing.

Listen, I don't mind you filming me,

but I'm not going to sign any release forms.

Ever since I did Corky Romano,

I've been a little cautious.

How do we proceed here?

I'd like to walk around a bit.

Get a lay of the land.

Have you ever

done this before?

Walking? Sure. Ever since

I was three years old.

I'd like to think

I'm pretty good at it.

No. Demon hunting.

You hear that?

- No.

- No.

Neither do I.

Quick! Go to night vision.

It's going to make it seem

a lot more suspenseful,

when actually I'm just gonna monolog

about my history.

I've been hunting ghosts and dealing

with the paranormal for years now.

It all started

way back when,

when I auditioned for this reality TV show

and I landed the lead.

I thought you looked familiar.

You were on that show Demon Hunters.

One and the same.

Yeah, they had me

going all over the world.

Chasing down ghosts

and haunted houses and such.

I thought

that stuff was bogus.

There's nothing bogus about a 2.7

ratings share on a Wednesday night, sir.

Yeah, we made it all up.

Yeah, after three years of pretending

to hear doors creak and ghosts talk,

something really

strange happened.

You started

hearing them for real?

No. We got canceled.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Yeah, I got pretty

depressed here for a while.

Kept hearing voices in my head going,

"You're an idiot, Jack.

"You're a loser, Jack.

"You're a loser. Loser.

You're a loser."

At first, I thought

it was my intuition.

But then my intuition was telling me

it wasn't my intuition.

It was a demon.

So ever since then,

I've been using my powers to...

Help all mankind?

What? No.

To try to build

an audience back,

so I can get back on a reality TV show

where I belong.

Jesus.

It senses me.

Oh, it senses me,

all right.

Yeah.

You feel that?

It senses me, and it

doesn't like what it...

Didn't spill a drop.

I'm okay. I think we should

check out your bedroom next.

So is this the room where most

of the disturbances happen?

Yeah. A lot of them

do happen in here.

Yeah. Yeah. I can feel it.

I'm feeling stuff.

It's kind of like a tingling sensation.

Who's that whore?

What?

That's my Aunt Linda.

Yeah. I'm feeling,

like, a heat.

Kind of a tingling, tingling feel.

I don't know.

Oh! They like to possess

stuffed animals a lot.

You know what, that's my grandmother's.

Can you not...

Pop. Pop.

Hey!

Get over it.

She's dead.

She's not dead.

She will be.

All right. They like to creep

into walls sometimes.

Feel them out.

What is that thing?

That's a, uh...

It's an imaging, uh...

You hear stuff with it.

It's a hearing device.

- It looks like a stethoscope.

- Yeah.

It's getting warm.

It's a warm kind of a feeling that I...

You know what,

can you not...

It's okay, Katie. I'm a professional ghost hunter.

You know what...

Oh, ho, ho! Bingo!

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