Paranormal Movie Page #5

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Look what we got here.

The possession of a vampire,

Count Juggula!

You know what,

I don't think that's

appropriate at all.

All right. Jeez,

I was just kidding around.

All right, where's your

bathroom anyway?

Got a little dribble.

Yeah, I'd wash

that if I were you.

- All right.

- You were in there for a while.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Focus up.

Let's get to work.

All right, let's do

a little peeping.

Got anything? Nothing.

Hope I didn't lose him.

Nothing there. Damn it!

Where, oh, where could you be?

Oh, yeah,

I'm getting something.

Yeah, it's big.

It's real big.

I'm getting a rod.

All right,

that's enough!

Hey, man. It's cool.

We're cool, right?

Yeah. Come on, Goff.

All right. This is what's called

a thermal imaging camera.

Let's just scan the area

for anything out of the ordinary.

How does this thing work?

I got no ideas.

I just like the pretty colors.

Just stand over there.

Let me get a reading. Okay.

Right here?

Okay.

Good God! I got a reading.

I got a reading.

What? Where?

Jesus. This thing's amazing.

What? What do you see?

God dang it! I lost him.

I lost him.

Wait. Wait.

I think it's trying to

communicate with us.

Well, okay,

what is it saying?

I'm not sure.

The message may be too advanced

for our feeble human

minds to comprehend.

Ah, damn it! I lost him.

We know where you are, you son of a b*tch!

I brought in a cognitive

psychologist

to help relate to your

demon you got there, Larry.

I'm Dr. Luni.

But you can call me Ima.

Ima Luni.

Sounds like you're the guy

I'm here to see.

Pretty hot for a doctor,

right, honey? I mean, wow.

Larry, get to the point.

Right. No.

So tell me what

you're seeing.

Yeah, you know.

I've been living in the house.

It's just been weird that

all of sudden I get taken over by a demon.

I think it's got to

be a demon,

'cause it makes me say stuff

and do things I would never do.

But it takes over me

and I don't know how to stop...

This is the demon

inside of Larry!

And he's thinking

that you're pretty hot,

and maybe you, Katie and me could go out

to dinner and drinks sometime

and maybe get to know each other

and fool around, I don't know.

Whoa, God! It happened.

It happened.

What did it say?

Nothing. He just

introduced himself.

Oh, that's... That's weird.

Usually he's

a lot more forward.

He's a demon, he's kind of a dick...

He didn't say anything?

Nope.

Get the cotton out of your ears, you dummy!

I'm talking about f***ing!

I'm a demon, let's get it on.

You, me and Katie! Come on, baby.

I can f*** all night,

I can f*** all night.

Whoa, man. Oh, boy.

Felt that one. That was a big one.

What'd he say?

He gave me a recipe

for chocolate chip cookies.

Cookies?

Yeah.

Oh, that's bizarre.

Weird. Sometimes he says

stuff that's really rude.

I'm talking about a threesome, you dumbass.

I'm talking about me...

I'm talking about a foursome.

Me, you, Katie and you.

We all get it on.

We'll go upstairs and watch dirty movies,

get in the bathtub,

put some hot lotion on us.

We can jerk it and suck it

and f*** it all night.

Sticking fingers in holes,

you get it front side, I'll get backside,

up top and we're going

to get to town and...

Whoa. My goodness.

I got possessed.

I think I had your guy!

No, I don't think you did, because she's

the doctor and I know it doesn't jump people.

No, it does.

I'm a demon hunter

and this one, I think he was

Italian and really strong.

No, I don't think it was,

'cause I don't think...My demon...

The f*** are you doing, Goff? Get the hell outta here!

This is my thing going on here.

Why do you have to be so selfish all the time,

for God's sake?

I'll just sit in the corner

and whack off.

What the f***?

I don't want to see you whack off!

My dick won't even

touch your dick!

I don't wanna see

your f***ing dick!

Wait! Stop! Enough!

Oh, my goodness!

I'm going to hit you!

I'm going to f***ing kill you,

you f***ing psychos!

I f***ing can't stand

the two of you!

I'm going to f***ing pepper

spray both of you!

Whoa.

What just happened?

That was so weird.

I feel like I was possessed!

What did I say?

You said you wanted

to have sex with...

Me.

Us.

No, me.

Us. All of us.

My demon has a big dick,

did I tell you that?

Shut up, Goff.

Nice one, guys.

That was a bust. Jeez.

Hey, I was possessed.

Well...

I was possessed.

Yeah. Me...

Sure, Larry.

I was, Katie.

We still got, Katie.

We could probably get a threesome going.

Shut up, Goff!

Come on, jeez.

Well, that was a bust, huh?

Sorry.

Can we please figure

out how to talk to this demon?

Hey, you want to put

a sock in it, hot pants?

Big boys are talking here.

Whoa, hang on a minute.

All right, all right.

Sorry about that.

All right, listen.

Demon! Demon!

Demon, I'm trying to communicate

with you right now, listen up!

Um...

I know you're a supernatural

being and probably prefer to communicate

through grunts or

unidentifiable noises.

So let's keep this simple.

One grunt means "yes,"

two grunts mean "no."

How does that sound?

Okay, I think I just got

a "yes" and another "yes."

This is going great.

Okay!

We're on a roll here.

Demon, um...

Can you see us?

All right. This is great.

Demon, are you

the only presence here?

All right.

Demon, have you been

with Larry all his life?

Oh, okay.

Hey, Demon, have you

ever, like, sharted?

Uh-huh.

Oh, man, I knew it!

I shart all the time.

I sharted on the way over here,

that's why I asked, 'cause my underwear is full.

Enough

with the sharting.

All right, honey,

I had a question, okay?

Why don't you just

let me talk to him?

Hold on a second!

Let me talk to him for a second.

Hang on.

What is it that

you want from us?

- What was that?

- Something fell in the kitchen.

Maybe he's trying

to communicate with us.

He wants us to

use the Louigi board.

What's a Louigi board?

Well, it's just

like the real one,

but we don't have to

get clearance from Hasbro.

It's working.

It's working!

Write this down.

Write this down. "I."

Are you moving it?

He put an "M" in there.

You know what, Larry, can we get

a crossfade on this thing?

'Cause it's

taking a long time.

"D." Put a "D" down.

What does it say?

"I'm extraordinarily bored."

Huh?

God damn, you're black-hearted,

Demon. Come on!

Quit playing games!

Well it is a game.

What do you want

from Larry? What?

Answer us!

Put your hands on here.

Let's get this done.

Hey, Larry, can we just go montage?

I'm getting kind of tired here.

Oh, no! The demon

killed Grandma!

Oh!

I get to go to hell!

Yay!

The demon says

I'm an alcoholic!

Whoa!

The demon gave me herpes,

and I gave it to you!

Herpes!

You shut your fat faces!

Why am I angry?

We shouldn't be playing this.

Louigi!

"E." All right.

Jeez, what do we got?

Looks like a poem.

"Winter wind of death blows,

"love smells sweet,

soon we'll be one."

What does that mean?

That's not a poem.

That's a haiku.

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