Paranormal Movie Page #6

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That's not a haiku.

Guys, I took a class

in college, okay?

For it to be a poem,

it has to rhyme.

Good point, honey.

My nose is running.

That's a poem.

Shut up!

Okay, what this poem is trying to tell us...

Uh, haiku.

Shut up.

This poem is saying there's one thing

for certain that this demon

is in love with you!

Get out of here!

What are you talking about?

No, it is.

It's in love with you.

Read between the lines.

Look at it.

It's saying it wants you and

nobody else to have you!

That is why he's been

with you your whole life.

That's why you killed

your stepfather!

How'd you know that?

I saw the first half of this movie.

Any good?

Eh...

Well, what you're saying is...

What I'm saying is,

we've got to kill this

demon before it kills Katie.

Here! Dramatic effect!

Zoom in on Katie's face

for this one.

We've got to kill this

demon before it kills, Katie!

Okay,

how do we kill it?

We kill it with this.

Booyah!

Your demon exists in a completely

different plane of reality,

but with this lens

we got right here,

oh, yeah, this lens focuses

kinetic energy

emitted from all kinds of

different objects in the view

and then focuses this energy

with a phased array of infrared detectors,

and elements, thus transmitting

the electromagnetic pulses

and allowing us to view alternate

planes of reality.

So that's what you got.

And we'll be able to definitely

see your demon in the flesh.

Flesh...

That's what I got for you.

I have no idea what

you just said to me,

but I know you've

been drinking all day.

What? Are you

a drink counter, boy?

No, I'm saying

you're an alcoholic.

Yeah, yeah, I already

got a mother, so shut it.

This looks

exactly the same.

What are you

talking about?

It's all blurry right there

and the edges are blacked out.

Check upstairs.

We gotta go

this way then.

Okay, you see anything?

Nothing yet.

Okay, if you see something,

just give me a tap on the fanny.

What? No.

Oh, look out!

Look out!

Leave my b*tch alone,

Jack-me-off!

What was that?

It's a scream light.

It's gone. It's gone.

Where the f*** is it?

Where'd it go?

What was that?

I don't know.

I don't...

Suck the devil's dick, b*tch!

He shivved you!

The little bastard.

- Wow! That's...

- Larry!

Whoa.

What happened?

Are you okay?

Oh, my God! What?

Are you okay?

You're...

Are you okay?

Do I look okay?

I just got shivved

by a demon up there!

Okay, okay.

I got one last idea for you two.

What?

Run. Run.

That's what I say!

I'm used to TV show blood.

This is my blood.

Real blood. Ugh!

Too real for me.

I'm out of here. Goodbye!

Larry, I think we should

get out of here.

Nah, I think we should stick around,

see what happens.

Okay.

Want to go to bed?

Yeah. Sure.

I can't sleep with

that demon growling!

Neither can I.

How are we going

to sleep, Larry?

I'm going to call

Dr. Conrad Murray.

Hi, Conrad. It's me.

Yeah, we need you.

Can we get some

of that Propofol...

Of course.

Great.

Thank you.

Wait!

I don't care what they say,

you're a good man.

Time to pay the piper.

Where am I going?

It's like you're possessed.

Oh, no,

I'm lactose intolerant!

My God.

Oh, my God.

That looks delicious.

That's just really

gay.

Yeah, I'm

trying to come up with something clever

to end this scene

and, uh, I got nothing.

Okay, let's just never

watch that again.

Katie! Katie!

- What? What?

- Help me. Help me.

- What? What's wrong?

- Something happened last night.

What happened?

- Something happened.

- Come here.

- I got branded.

- Oh, my God!

The demon branded me

with a gun!

Oh, my God, Larry.

It's a gun!

It's not a gun.

Larry, that's a...

That's a penis.

What are you talking about?

He branded me with a gun!

It hurts, Katie! Look at it!

I'm looking. Babe,

that's definitely a penis.

Look at it.

Now stop it!

I'm looking.

Stop it!

It's a handle and a muzzle.

It's balls and a shaft.

Stop it!

Stop it now! It's a handle

of a gun and a muzzle.

Stop it. It hurts.

Balls and a penis

and the shaft with

a mushroom head.

Katie, that's a silencer!

Get out of here!

God almighty!

You don't even know.

Larry, I'm calling a priest.

Why would a demon

brand a penis on you?

Call a priest, but

tell him it's a gun.

It's definitely a penis.

I've seen a million of them.

Larry, it has pubic hair.

You don't know what a gun is?

It's a gun, it's a gun like this.

I've seen a gun, and I've seen

a penis and that is a penis, Larry.

I wonder who this could be.

Oh, no, no, no. We already

said we don't want any.

Oh, wait! Do you people do exorcisms?

We need a priest.

No, I'm sorry, you need

the Catholics for that.

We could use your help, though.

We're missing some of our flock.

Chickens?

Mormons. Surely,

you've seen them.

They were last seen

entering your home.

Uh, no,

it doesn't ring a bell.

Here, have a look.

It's in the script. Page 35.

Oh, yes!

Now I see. Yeah.

They were downstairs talking

to our squatter, Bill.

Actually, I prefer

house guest.

I have a question. Let me

ask you all something.

If you were stranded on

the ocean, dying of thirst,

would it be better to drink

sea water or your own urine?

Now, think about it,

think about it.

Let's go down into the basement

and we'll discuss it.

Okay? Come on.

Thank you.

Okay.

It would be urine, right?

I'm going to

call right now.

Thank you for calling

the Catholic Priest Hotline.

For English, press 1.

For Latin, press 2.

If you are male and under the age of

eight, press 1,

and a priest will be

with you immediately.

If you or a loved one has been possessed

by a demonic presence, press 2.

Your call will be answered

in the order it was received.

Current wait time

is 45 minutes.

Must be busy.

Should have called

on a school day.

Please enjoy some music

while you wait.

The priest said he'll

be here as soon as he can.

Good. Good. Good.

We can't risk falling asleep.

I have to stay up

all night long.

Oh, goody! Look, there's

a marathon of Glee on tonight.

What was that?

I don't know.

I'm gonna go check it out.

No. Don't, Larry!

Don't worry about it.

I've got this special lens.

I'll be able to see the demon

if it comes anywhere near me.

That makes sense.

Yeah. Don't worry about it.

Bill?

You there?

Bill?

Bill, are you here?

Larry.

Thank God you're here, man.

Hey, have you seen my socks?

No, but I have heard noises

coming from down here.

Oh, don't mind that.

That's just my Mormon centipede.

Did you say Mormon centipede?

Yeah, I operated

on those Mormons,

I created a being connected

through their gastral system.

Mouth to anus.

They're right here.

I was so bored,

I started to improvise.

Oh, not this again.

Well at least I'm in

the front this time.

Bill, come here.

What are you doing, Bill?

Why would you go do this?

Why would you do something so terrible?

Well, I like Legos, Larry,

and I couldn't find any, all right?

We're not talking

about Legos here, Bill.

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