Paranormal Movie Page #7

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We're talking about

that monstrosity!

I don't know why

I do the things that I do.

I mean, why does anyone

do anything, for God's sake!

I don't know.

When you've lived

a life like I've lived,

growing up with

celebrity parents.

I've been on Broadway.

I've worked with Fosse

and Brian De Palma.

I've done Carrie, First Love,

Big Wednesday, House,

Greatest American Hero.

It all just gets so freaking dull, okay?

So incredibly dull!

Dude, I've traveled

the entire world.

I've gone from Los Angeles

to Orange County.

I've taken cyanide,

I've driven a bus off

the Malibu freeway.

None of it interests me,

man, all right?

None of it!

Oh, good for you, man.

Good for you!

You made me say it!

Blood no longer runs

to this part of my body, okay?

So, yeah, I'll surgically

alter a group of Mormons.

Or I'll swallow a rubber duck, just to see

the look on the X-ray technician's face,

but none of it interests me, man, all right?

None of it!

I understand, Bill.

Do you?

No, actually.

No, not at all.

But I do have something that

might be right up your alley.

How would you like to help

me destroy a demon?

Destroy a demon?

That's right.

Hey, a demon destroyer?

Uh-huh.

Larry, you just gave me the first natural

hard-on I have had in 15 years, dude!

That's awesome. 'Cause this guy's caused me

a lifetime of despair.

Haunted our house,

possessed me through my anus,

and now I'm afraid he's going

to force me to kill Katie.

Okay. What's your plan?

I don't got one.

Well, then

it's a good thing I do.

All right, what is it?

Okay, the first thing

we're going to do,

we're going to

get you possessed.

Party time!

Twinky, twinky.

Winky, winky.

You go down, Bill! Go around!

Get that bad guy!

God damn, I'm funny.

Go get 'em.

Hmm.

Sorry, guys.

Almost forgot the camera.

Larry!

Larry, you okay?

Who's there?

Father Berkowitz.

Thank God you're here.

Father Berkowitz, thank you for coming.

My boyfriend.

He's possessed.

Don't worry

your little tuchus, sweetheart.

We'll take care of

the fakakta demon

and I'll even do three more,

if you have them,

but for the price of two.

That's a good deal, right?

Oh, could I turn the heat up?

It's a little chilly. My neck gets stiff.

Sure.

Hope it's not costly, though.

'Cause you know...

The bastard demon

shivved me, God damn it!

Miss, I know I'm dying, but

could you pay me anyway?

I'd like to have it.

My mother warned me

not to convert.

Stay with your own kind!

Those Catholics...

Hello?

You know all the cameras I set up

are kind of pointless,

if you don't lock

your door!

Ma'am?

Disappointed!

Hi, girl, hi! We've come back

for another party, y'all.

I think that guy

just stabbed me!

He just stabbed you?

He totally just stabbed me!

Jesus Christ!

Now he stabbed me!

He just stabbed you, too!

Yeah, he stabbed me, too.

Oh, my God. He just

stabbed us both!

That is not cool, Shakira.

Totally not cool.

Seriously.

I think there's a dead guy

on the floor right there.

Oh, he's deader

than this party.

Ew! Let's just leave

this whole scene.

Yeah. We're out of Audi.

See ya, wouldn't

want to be ya.

Ow. It hurts getting stabbed.

It totally hurts, right?

Guys, I'm here for

the threesome.

No?

Oh, my God.

You just stabbed me.

Guys, I just need

one more shot.

Is that Ted Striker?

He shivved me!

He shivved me!

Surely you can't be serious.

Who's that?

Is that Tom Sizemore?

Oh, my God.

Hello?

It's Quinton

from The Blind Side.

- I played Big Mike.

- I love that movie.

I heard some commotion.

Just, I got your back.

Said I got your back.

This is some bullshit.

I love Sandra Bullock.

Damn it!

Just had these done.

F***ing b*tch.

Hey!

Why don't you pick on someone

in your own universe, Demon?

Yeah. I tell you what.

Why don't you and I

discuss this over a brewski?

Come on,

sit over here with me.

You like beer, don't you?

Uh-huh.

So tell me, why do you

want this guy so bad?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, really. I've taken shits that are

more interesting than him.

I don't know.

Wouldn't you want someone

with a little more flavor?

Someone with

a little more pizzazz?

Someone in the top thousand

of IMDb's STARmeter.

Oh.

Mmm-hmm.

I tell you what.

I know you're bored.

Why don't you and

I get a little weird?

Just you and me together.

That's right. Look over here. Right here.

Now open your mouth nice and wide.

Whoa! What happened?

Larry, you're back.

Oh, Katie!

His plan worked.

Bill saved you.

He's the best squatter

a guy could ever have.

Bill?

Where are you going, Bill?

To the moon, Larry!

To the f***ing moon!

What a guy.

Bye, Bill.

Bye, Bill.

This movie is gonna go

straight on the f***ing DVD.

This f***ing sucks! You're

looking for a theater release?

No way!

I f***ed your tusk and

you didn't even know it.

Bunch of f***ing losers!

More found footage.

Crap.

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